Saturday, January 12, 2013

Jurassic Pork

Chicken Flavour?
Jurassic Park IV has been rumored for so long, I had begun to think it wouldn't and probably shouldn't happen. Remember back in 2007 when it was announced that the movie was being cast and would feature dinosaurs with guns? That makes about as much sense as Chicken Flavoured Vegetarian Ham (and whatever the hell that is, keep it as far away from me as possible, please and thank you!).

Now, as much as I liked the original movie and hate both of it's even more ridiculous sequels (OK - I'll admit that I laughed when the Japanese tourists were running from the T-Rex in JP2), the idea of a third sequel never really sat well with me. In fact, most sequels (with a few exceptions), remakes and reboots (again, with a few exceptions) never really sit well with me. I've always been interested in original films with original ideas and find most such films to be lazy attempts to cash in on something that has already proven to be successful. Ever see The Sting II or Superman IV? How about Bewitched, The Dukes of Hazard or The Stepford Wives? Ugh!

That's not to say that all such films are terrible. But for every The Italian Job or The Fly, there's a Godzilla, The Wolfman or The Wicker Man taking big, smelly dumps on the originals. 

Indiewire is now reporting that Universal Pictures has scheduled Jurassic Park IV for release in June of 2014 (of course, they're also reporting that a script has been commissioned for the completely unnecessary Pirates of the Caribbean V, but I digress). The real news in this story is that the latest script for Jurassic Park IV has been written by Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver, the writers behind the very entertaining Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which revived the franchise that was nearly destroyed by Tim Burton's 2001 remake starring Mark Wahlberg. I can only imagine that if anyone can revive the late Sci-Fi writer Michael Chrichton's vision, it's these two.

Still - I can only wonder where they might take the story and must offer up a few ideas of my own.:

1. Jurassic Park IV: Dinos on the Run. Knowing they are feared and despised by the public at large, the dinosaurs go on the lam, hiding in seedy motels under bad pseudonyms like 'John Dodecasaurus' and 'Tommy Rex.' Pursued by a team of government agents led by Leonardo DiCaprio, they soon find themselves lost in world of alcohol, drugs and loose women. Directed by Gary Sherman and starring Wings Hauser as John.

2. Jurassic Park IV: Night of the Giant Iguana. A former priest leads a group of aging women on a tour of Isla Nublar and learns a valuable lesson about his life's failure before being eaten by a pack of hungry velociraptors. Starring Hugh Jackman, Dame Judi Dench, Dame Helen Mirren and Dame Maggie Smith. Directed by Danny Boyle.

3. Jurassic Park IV: Rise of the Iguanadons. When an evil dinosaur threatens to take over the world, it's up to a team of Europasuruses to stop her from turning the world into a frozen wasteland. Animated. With the voice talents of Jude Law, Isla Fisher, Alec Baldwin and Fran Drescher as the Iguanadon. Directed by Don Bluth and produced by Peter Jackson and Guillermo del Toro.

4. Jurassic Park IV: Lost in Pangaea. A lonely Allosuarus pines for a simpler time when 80's New Wave music ruled the airwaves and size 127 Chucks were available in hot pink. When she's married off to the Rex of Pangaea, Allie realizes how empty her life is and willingly submits to death by meteor. Starring Parker Posey, Steve Carrell, Bill Murray and Kirsten Dunst as Allie. Directed by Sophia Coppola and Christopher Guest.

5. Jurassic Park IV: We Just Don't Care Anymore. Dinosaurs kill everyone and destroy everything. Starring Matthew Broderick; Pierce Brosnan; Helen Hunt; Hank Azaria; Betty White; Ed Asner; Pam Grier; Samuel L. Jackson; Sid Haig; Anne Heche; Woody Harrelson; Jake Gyllenhaal; Harvey Fierstein; Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio and the corpse of Charleton Heston. Directed by Roland Emmerich and Seth MacFarland.

Spielberg's original Jurassic Park is scheduled for a 20th Anniversary (HOLY CRAP!) 3D IMAX re-release later this year. I only hope that Jaffa and Silver have been able to come up with a script worthy of their Apes re-boot that is as excitingly entertaining as David Keopp's adaptation of Chrichton's novel.

More, anon.

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