The Worst TV of 2011

Jason Gann and Elijah Wood in "Wilfred"

So, after last night's "Best of TV" post, it's time for my "Worst of TV" post. And this was actually a much harder list for Uncle P to compile. Sadly, there was simply a plethora of terrible shows last fall. A few years back, there was a writers' strike and many shows were hurt. The ones that weren't managed to retain whatever uniqueness they had to carry them through the worst. The others all fell by the wayside and the networks have been scrambling to find the next "Lost" or "Madmen." The glut of terrible which ensued resulted in this year having an Eleven Worst List (cue dramatic music)!* So, lets get started, shall we?

11. "Free Agents" (NBC). Mega-talented Hank Azaria ("The Simpsons;" The Bird Cage) and the always interesting Kathryn Hahn (Anchorman; Our Idiot Brother) starred as co-workers who "accidentally" sleep together. I think they were copywriters or something. I don't know. It didn't last long enough for me to actually figure it out. I was sad, because it's excellent cast deserved a much better show. Worst adaptation of a British comedy since "Coupling."

10."Whitney" (NBC) Comedian and "Chelsea Lately" panelist Whitney Cummings may be funny on stage at a comedy club, but she's just annoying in her own sitcom. It took half of one episode for me to decide I hated everything about it.

9. "Wilfred" (FX). Another adaptation of a Brit-com Oz-Com (I hope I just coined a phrase), this time starring the original Wilfred. Elijah Wood is a depressed schmoe who makes lame attempts at suicide until a neighbor asks him to watch her dog, Wilfred. To everyone else, Wilfred is an adorable and irresistible dog. To Elijah, he's a pot-smoking; wise-cracking; leg-humping booze-hound (all puns intended) in a dog suit. OK. Funny premise? Check. Hit show abroad? Check. Original star? Check. All systems are go? No. What a shame. The writing on "Wilfred" is beyond sophomoric (and not in a good way). Wilfred is just a d*ck, rather than the Harvey/Jiminy/Donkey that would make him likeable. Bad show! Bad, bad show!

8. "Two Broke Girls" (CBS). Whitney Cummings strikes out again as creator of yet another show with a fun premise that fails on almost every level. Lame jokes about hipsters; a sadly miscast Kat Dennings and racial stereotypes do nothing to help this show. Still, there are two things that may make it worth a look. First, Garrett Morris is back on TV! (Don't you dare ask me who Garrett Morris is!) Sadly, he probably won't be for long. And then there's breakout star Beth Behrs. This is how to play quirky, smart and funny, Zooey Deschanel! I hope this isn't her one and only. I think she's going to be one to watch.

7. "Last Man Standing" (ABC). Tim Allen, tired of making family movies, returns to TV in a sexist, homophobic and unfunny version of his old show, with daughters instead of sons. Hahahahahahahaha... NOT!

6. "Once Upon a Time" (ABC). Quite possibly even dumber than "Dark Shadows" (though infinitely less entertaining), "Once Upon a Time" is just silly. Mostly using the Disney versions of fairy tale characters (Disney owns ABC) without employing a hint of irony, "Once Upon a Time" is a soap opera for kids, which makes me sad. It makes me sadder that the talented Lana Parilla is stuck in this ridiculous show. I guess a paycheck's a paycheck.

5. "Terra Nova" (FOX). Delayed by a year for re-tooling, this Spielberg produced Sci-Fi Actioner should be a billion times better than it is. I slogged through the slow-moving pilot and knew a dog when I saw one. Yawn... I don't imagine we'll see a second season of this expensive stinker.

4. "Pan Am" (ABC). The meeting went something like this: "Madmen is hot!" "We need a show set in the sixties!" "What was sexy in the sixties?" "Stewardesses!" "Yes! Now what airline is out of business and can't sue us?" Lord knows they tried, even adding a spy subplot (how James Bond of them!). Even the talented Christina Ricci couldn't make this show watchable. We won't talk about how in the decade when everyone smoked, Disney won't allow smoking in its "historical" drama.

3. "Charlie's Angels" (ABC). Really?

2. "New Girl" (FOX). Okay, I don't know a single gay man who would put up with Zooey Deschanel's 'Jess' on "New Girl," let alone three straight guys. I don't get it. I have loved her in many things, Elf and The Hitchhiker's Guide... among them. I just want to smack the hell out of every person involved with this show. This is what happens when terrible movies like Juno and Lost in Translation are inexplicable hits.

1. "Two and a Half Men" (CBS). I won't even get into the whole "Winning" nonsense. This show has never been and will never be funny, no matter who it stars. The only show on this list that isn't new, "2.5M" has always been a comedy about d*ck jokes; boobs; booze; drugs; hookers; excess and stupidity. None of that changed this season with the addition of Ashton Kutcher. I always feel like I need a shower after watching this show. Yuck.

There were so many bad shows this season.  Dishonorable Mentions to: The Jersey Shore; Mike and Molly; Prime Suspect; Unforgettable; Any So-Called ‘Reality’ Show; Everything Kardashian; Allen Gregory; How to Be a Gentleman; I Hate My Teenage Daughter and almost countless others.

I'm already jonesing for "The Closer!"


*Yes, I know it's actaully a prairie dog!

More, anon.
Prospero

Worst 5 Movies of 2011 - So Far

Tahar Rahim Covered in Mud with a Skull in His Hair

Once again, this is hardly my definitive "Worst of" list, either. Just 5 movies I've seen this year that have irked me the most - so far.

It seemed that this year, there were far more bad movies, than good. And of course, any year that has a Twilight movie in it, has to qualify for a new low bar. I saw all of these movies on purpose, hoping that something (even if it was just the objectification of one its leading men), only to have my hopes dashed to the bottom of a rocky cliff and into the raging sea of suckage they actually turned out to be. These are movies that actually made angry at having spent my hard-earned dollars to see them. These aren't just bad movies, my friends. These are the worst. 

5. Final Destination 5. While there honestly is much to admire about the latest installment (that amazing bridge sequence; the surprise ending) of the "Death as Rube Goldberg" franchise, the acting is truly terrible and the deliberately gimmicky 3D did nothing to further the pro-3D argument.

4. Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. Wow. Talk about movies that should have been better than they actually were. This was one TV horror movie remake that was worth doing, on paper. Guillermo del Toro wrote the screenplay and produced it. It had to be good, right? I mean, it had to better than the ABC TV movie (which still freaks lots of folks out), right? Wrong. Silly and predicable, the movie isn't half as scary as it should have been. First-time feature director Troy Nixey relied too heavily on his mentor and delivered a watered-down version what the remake could (and should) have been. Also - Katie Holmes. Ew.

3. The Eagle. The trailer for director Kevin (The Last King of Scotland) Macdonald's adaptation of Rosemary Sutcliffe's novel "The Eagle of the Nine," promised a homo-erotic sword and sandal epic. What we got was a travelog. Yawn... I hope Channing Tatum's stripper bio movie is better this:

2. Your Highness. I saw this movie for free while on a business trip this summer. In fact, I ordered it completely by accident, even though it was on my list thanks to the pedigrees of those involved. Sadly, I didn't laugh once during this medieval quest fantasy/stoner buddy/sibling rivalry piece of crap. While I truly like nearly every actor in this movie, I have to wonder why they agreed to make it. A very bad, very unfunny film.

1. Season of the Witch. I am ashamed for him that D claims to actually like this movie. I think he's only saying so to make me crazy. And it's really annoying to me that the first movie I saw in 2011 is also the worst movie I saw this year. Nic Cage is clearly insane, while Ron Perlman does his best to play the comedic irony and camp, but even he can't save this silly mess of a movie. Our mutual friend Heather and I were reduced to fits of giggles at how ridiculous this film was. Season of the Witch was delayed by more than a year, I should have known better. Heather and I did finally get D to admit it wasn't a good movie, but he still says that he loved it. Of course, questioning his sanity is much like questioning mine... (love ya, D).

This was just a tease... watch for my full Ten Best and Ten Worst lists at the end of January.

More, anon.
Prospero

5 Best and Worst Movies of 2010: Part 1

Sadly, this isn't a post about Best Worst Movie, the hilarious documentary about the cult phenomenon that Troll 2 has become. Even sadder, I have not seen enough movies this year to make a Top Ten list, mostly because there just weren't that many movies that interested me enough to make the effort to go and spend the money to see them.

Still, the year isn't over and there are several films either playing now (Black Swan) or opening soon (The King's Speech) that are on my "must see" list. Ask me at the end of January and I may have a very different list (or at least larger) list of Best and Worst Movies of 2010. 

But for now, it's 5 of each.

Let's start with the 5 Worst Movies of 2010, shall we?

#5 - The Wolfman

Wow, what a cast! Benicio del Toro; Anthony Hopkins; Hugo Weaving; Emily Blunt and Geraldine Chaplin starred in the much-anticipated remake of the 1941 classic that starred Lon Chaney, Jr. Seriously - three Oscar winners, Agent Smith, an acting royal and the creator of the FX for An American Werewolf in London should have combined for a terrific update. Sadly, in the clumsy directorial hands of Joe Johnston (Jurassic Park 3), it's a silly and derivative bore filled with bad dialog and even worse CGI. P.U.

#4 - Alice in Wonderland

Can anyone tell me what happened to the wunderkind that was Tim Burton? Alice in Wonderland should have been a no-brainer, given its amazing source material.* Sadly, Linda Woolverton's feminist revision of Lewis Carroll's brilliant nonsense story only served to let Burton loose with a wild assortment of visuals that do absolutely nothing to serve Carroll's story. I may be one of a handful of people who actually liked Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but after this mess, I have to admit Burton needs some reigning in.

#3 - Death at a Funeral

In 2007, Frank Oz (Little Shop of Horrors) made a delightfully madcap British comedy about a funeral in which the decedent's family discovers all sorts of terrible secrets about him and themselves. The movie was decidedly British and delightfully hilarious. Just three years later, director Neil LaBute  (The Wicker Man) remade Death at a Funeral for the American black audience. Crass, unfunny and loaded with stereotypes, LaBute's movie is not only completely unnecessary, but insulting to the original.

Here's the trailer for the original:



#2 - A Nightmare on Elm Street

Jackie Earle Haley may be enjoying a career renaissance, but his reinterpretation of Wes Craven's most famous Horror icon Freddy Krueger, will not go down as one of his better performances. Music video director Samuel Bayer takes everything that made the 1984 original so scary and reduces it to a CGI-infused mess devoid of any real human emotion.

#1 - Splice

This was one movie Uncle P really wanted to like. Writer/Director Vincenzo Natali (Cube) got two of my favorite actors, Adrien Brody (King Kong; The Pianist) and Sarah Polley (The Adventures of Baron Munchausen; Dawn of the Dead) to star in this tale that had the potential to be a truly horrifying treatise on genetic engineering and manipulation. Instead, audiences were treated to a silly and sickening movie about which my movie-loving Dear D said: "I hate this movie so much, I never want to see it again." By far, the worst movie released in 2010.

Tomorrow, my picks for the 5 Best Movies of 2010 (so far).

More, anon.
Prospero

*Uncle P is a rabid fan of Carroll's works and loves them like few others do, which led me to watch this mess of a movie in abject horror. I own every version of his works you can imagine, including 'The Annotated Alice." Carroll's skewering of Victorian society and language has inspired me to no end, and I consider myself somewhat of a devotee. That whirring sound you heard every time this movie screened was the poor Reverend Dodgeson spinning in his grave over the bastardization of his work.

The Worst Movie of 2009

I was going to do a "Ten Worst of 2009" list (and I still may), but I already know what my my #1 Worst Movie of the Year is, so I thought I'd just get it out of the way.

Like many of you, I tried not to get caught up in the online hype for this picture. The trailers promised something so scary, you could literally crap your pants. The word-of-mouth was unlike anything I'd seen since the movie it was being compared to, The Blair Witch Project. And the "Demand It" campaign was a stroke of genius. But when all was said and done, Paranormal Activity turned out to be a completely unscary and downright boring movie.

Director Oren Peli's First-Person hand-held camera movie about a young couple (Micah Sloat and Katie Featherston) dealing with extraordinary events in their home was touted as the scariest movie since the aforementioned Blair Witch. Katie and Micah have been experiencing some unusual phenomena in their home. Micah buys a video camera to try and catch whatever is happening while they sleep (it is through that camera we see what's happening). Katie calls in a psychic, who advises her to consult a demonologist. We soon discover that Katie was "haunted" as a child (apparently by the same entity) which ended with her house burning down. Micah decides he will take matters into his own hands and get rid of it himself, taunting the entity and inviting it to communicate, things the psychic expressly warned them not to do. As Micah becomes more and more of a macho asshat, the creepy goings-on get more intense.

Paranormal Activity was a great idea, and while it isn't badly executed from a technical point of view, it's pacing is deadly. The first hour meanders about as Micah continuously tries to convince Katie to have sex on camera while ignoring her increasing discomfort. A door moves. Something screeches and thumps. Katie sleepwalks. Sort of creepy, but too little for too long. By the time the movie actually starts to look like it's going to get scary, it's over (with one of the single most ridiculous and superfluous final shots, ever).

People were supposedly walking out of the movie because they were scared. I can only imagine they were walking out because they were bored out of their minds. Much like the highest grossing movie of all time, Titanic, this film's ticket sales were fueled by younger audiences who were fooled by its triteness and allowed themselves to be scared by its vagueness and admittedly excellent performances. Peli's script completely fails to deliver on the scares and seasoned horror fans were left scratching their heads as to why so many people were tricked into buying his snail-paced direction and lame dialog. I keep asking myself how this exceptionally cheap ($11,000) indy movie from 2007 became the box-office sensation of 2009, and can only surmise that young American film-goers wouldn't know a good movie if it bit them in the ass. Paranormal Activity bit ass, alright. Just not in the good way.

Want to see an actually scary movie? Try Robert Wise's original version of The Haunting. Absolutely terrifying:

More bad 2009 Cinema, anon.
Prospero

Worst Movies of 2008

I suddenly realized that the year is nearly over and I haven't posted my Best and Worst lists (yes, I know I did the Best Horror, but that only partially counts). I'm doing the worst list first, only because it's easier. I saw a lot of bad movies this year. Please remember, unlike the professional critics, I don't get to see every movie, so I can only opine on the ones I did. Counting down from 10, here are the worst movies I saw in 2008:

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10. 10,000 BC

Hottie Steven Strait (The Covenant) plays half-naked caveman D'Leh in this preposterous story of mammoth hunters who find themselves prey to slave-making proto-Egyptians. When the only hot girl in the tribe is captured, D'Leh takes it upon himself to lead the search. Director Roland Emmerich (Stargate; Independance Day; Godzilla) proves there is no topic too ridiculous to tackle on the big screen. Despite the presence of many hot, half-naked men and women, 10,000 BC is just a mess.

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9. Made of Honor

80's teen star Patrick Dempsey may have made a comeback of sorts on ABC's "Gray's Anatomy," but his movie career hit the skids once again with this deplorable romantic comedy that should have been called My Best Friend's Wedding 2: I'm Not Gay. Dempsey plays a womanizer whose best friend is getting married. It is only then that he realizes he loves her and despite being asked to be her "Maid of Honor," sets up to sabotage the wedding at all costs, lest of all, his dignity. Pure treacley crap.

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8. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Oh, how I loves me some Brendan Fraser (especially mostly-naked, as in another bad movie, George of the Jungle). And I really loved Stephen Sommers' first Mummy film. It was fun and exciting and had some terrific CGI (not to mention 'yummy mummy' Arnold Vosloo). The Mummy Returns was okay, but not nearly as good. And eight years is a long time between sequels, folks. Long enough for studio execs to realize that the moment has passed. But it was not to be. This lame-ass picture, set in pre-war China, is just an excuse to extend a franchise beyond its prime. The talents of Jet Li and Michelle Yeoh are completely wasted here and Rachel Wiesz is the only smart one (her role is played by Maria Bello, another actress who should have known better).

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7. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

I should have realized from the ridiculous title that this would not be the Indy movie the fans have all been waiting for. Yes, I enjoyed it on first viewing. But unlike the first three IJ movies, Crystal Skull just doesn't hold up. From the ridiculous (and infamous) refridgerator stunt to the CGI monkeys and the over-the-top performance of the usually brillaint Cate Blanchett, almost everything about this movie screams "Sellout!!!"

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6. Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Okay - full disclosure: I played Sweeney in a truly great and very dark production in 1998. And while the film was officially realeased in 2007, it didn't go wide until 2008. which is when I saw it, with the man who directed the production I was in. Both of us loathed this film. Director Tim Burton (whose films I usually adore) removed all of the humor from Stephen Sondheim's brilliant operetta and turned it into a musical horror movie. Burton's favorite actor (and one of mine), Johhny Depp, proves that he can't sing and a role meant for a booming baritone becomes a whiny, reedy tenor with a shock of fake hair and a bad British accent. Sondheim should have sued. I would have.

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5. Hancock

Director Peter Berg also made the terrible Very Bad Things, so it should be no surprise that his foray into the Superhero genre would be equally as awful. Hollywood's go-to good guy, Will Smith, plays the titular character, an alcoholic schmuck who causes more damage than he does good. He has no memory of how he came about his powers of what he's been doing for the last forty years, but that doesn't stop PR guy Jason Bateman from trying to rehabilitate Hancock's image. Of course, Bateman has his own problems with his gorgeous wife, Charlize Theron, who harbors more than a secret or two of her own. Boring and confusing, Hancock is just one more notch in Smith's 'mistake' column (along with Wild, Wild West and Seven Pounds).

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4. Jumper

Hayden Christiensen (the bad Star Wars movies) stars as a guy who can teleport in this mess of a movie from director Doug Limen (Mr. & Mrs. Smith; The Bourne Identity) and writer David S. Goyer (Dark City; Blade; Batman Begins). Co-stars Samuel L. Jackson, Diane Lane and Tom Hulce all should have known better.

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3. The Love Guru

Mike Meyers used to be funny. The Love Guru is proof that he isn't funny anymore. Pure crap, through and through.

2. 27 Dresses

I used to like Katherine Heigl. She's actually a good actress and was very funny in Knocked Up. Then she made the single most insipid rom-com ever. I'm trying not to vomit and block all memories of this film from my mind.

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1. The Happening

No clip or image here. I already discussed this movie as the Worst Horror Movie of the Year. It just also happens to be the worst movie of the year. Please, someone needs to tell M. Night Shamylan that his career is over and he should be happy that it lasted as long as it did. I'd rather see an Uwe Boll film than another piece of crap from this jerk. 'Nough said.

Next up, my picks for the Ten Best Films of 2008.

More of this, anon.

Prospero