Retro Review - "Hercules"

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?" ~ Captain Oveur (Peter Graves) in Airplane!

I really have to hand it to Dwayne Johnson. The Samoan superstar who started out as a professional "wrestler" has become a household name (though I promise more people refer to him as "The Rock" than Dwayne) through a very successful and eclectic film career. He has done well in both action and family films and has a stellar reputation as a genuinely nice person and a very professional performer. And while he may be very unlikely to win an Oscar, genre awards are certainly within his reach. Last summer, Johnson hit theatres in terrible action director Brett Ratmner's Hercules (the second of 2 Hercules movies last year; the other starred the Aryanesque Kellen Lutz and was directed by rival terrible action director Renny Harlin). Based on a graphic novel by Steve Moore, this version is a rationalist's delight with a dash of 'magic' which results in a very mixed bag of a movie and happily surprising, not at all what J and I were expecting when we sat down to watch it Friday night.

Johnson's Hercules is a the leader of a band of mercenaries, all devoted to him and to promoting the legend of his own creation. When hired by the beautiful Ergenia (Rebecca Ferghuson), daughter of Lord Cotys (John Hurt) to unite Thrace and free the land from a monstrous army of 'demons' and 'centaurs' led by the vicious Rhesus (Tobias Santelmann), the group sets out for a promised payout of twice Hercules' weight in gold, enough for all of them to retire and live out their lives in peace. Among team Herc are mystic warrior Amphiaraus (Ian McShane); Autolycus, King of Thieves (Rufus Sewell); Amazon warrior Atalanta (Ingrid Bolso Berdal); nephew and story-teller/barker Iolaus (cutie-pie Reece Ritchie) and silent berserker Tydeus (Aksel Hennie). Also on hand is Joseph Fienes in the small but pivotal role of King Eurystheus, for whom Hercules slew the 'Hydra.'  

Almost everything (except McShane's drug-induced predictions) is refreshingly given a very rational and sensible explanation (I'm not sure if I liked the 'Hydra,' the 'demons' or the 'centaurs' more). The fairly good CGI is equally used to create gigantic sets and armies as well as a few hallucinogenic creatures. There are several violent and bloody battles which (I reluctantly must admit) Ratner's team actually handles quite well, with none of the blurring and confusion generated  in so many similar battle/fight sequences. The massive Johnson* (who looks about as Greek as I do) holds his own in uncomplicated role, while McShane and Sewell are more than up to the task of pulling off some of the sillier bits. Unfortunately not even Fiennes' appearance (last seen in "American Horror Story: Asylum") can make up for some of truly ridiculous things in that keep this movie from being worthy of a higher rating. For example...

J and I continue to grow closer and literally had the following same comments/complaints at the same time:

"If this is Ancient Greece, why does everybody except Hercules have a British accent?" (somewhat excusable, I suppose, given the mostly British cast)**

"How does everyone know who he is without every having seen him before?"**

"She (Ingrid) needs to play Nicole Kidman's younger sister."**

"A training montage in 2014?"**

"Saw THAT coming fifteen minutes into the movie."**

Action/Fantasy fans should have a good time with their brains in 'park.' There are all sorts of different eye-candies to go around for everyone but if you're expecting the kind of cheesy beefcake provided by Steve Reeves in the 50's and 60's, this isn't what you're looking for.  Let me put it this way:  Looking for a new take on classical story that provides loads of action liberally peppered with humor and rationalism? Enjoy. Looking for the classical Greek myth? Don't watch this or Sam Raimi's 90's TV show of the same name. **1/2 (Two and a Half Stars). Hercules is rated PG-13 in the U.S. for "epic battle sequences, violence, suggestive comments, brief strong language and partial nudity." It is available on Showtime OnDemand.

*He-he! I said "massive Johnson!" 

** Paraphrased/consolidated from similar comments/thoughts J and I shared about the movie.

More, anon.
Prospero 

 

"Penny Dreadful" is NOT a Drag Queen

Photo via EW.com

I guess I lied. Or rather, changed my mind. I'll talk about upcoming Sci-Fi movies soon, though. I promise.

And I while know I have talked a little bit about "Penny Dreadful," a new trailer has recently been released, distracting me once again with it's style and tone and very interesting (if not exactly original) concept, as well as a rather fascinating cast.

A little background...

In 1999, graphic novelist Alan Moore ("Watchmen") created "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen," in which several Victorian-era literary characters (Mina Harker, Captain Nemo, Alan Quatermain and others) work together for British Intelligence to 'Protect the Empire.' The series was turned into an infamously terrible movie with Sean Connery, Stuart Townsend and Shane West.

Building on that concept, while adding a decidedly dark supernatural element, Showtime's up-coming series "Penny Dreadful" takes that central premise and goes "American Horror Story" on it. Josh Hartnett (wasn't he supposed to be a 'Next Big Thing' once upon a time?); former James Bond Timothy Dalton; Eva Green and Broadway's Spider-Man, Reeve Carney head up the cast of this creepy, spooky, sexy series created by John Logan (screenwriter of Skyfall; Hugo and Gladiator).

My current favorite cable drama, "Shameless," is also on Showtime and will end it's (exceptionally gut-wrenching and hilarious) season soon. I can only imagine how much I'm going to love their steroid-infused version of TLEG via AHS.




I'm very pleased to see genre TV having such a renaissance. 

More, anon.
Prospero

The Gayest Things You'll See This Week

Showtime's "Penny Dreadful"

After losing a massive (and, if I say so myself, really good) post about "American Horror Story: Coven" (how much do I love that Myrtle plays the theremin?)* thanks to a connectivity issue last week, I haven't really been all that inspired. But today I not only got caught up on AHS and it's insane, over-the-top season 3, I came across a couple of things I just had to mention and share.

First up (via) comes this Axe Body Spray parody which makes sure we all know that DADT is a thing of the past. And while the video below is purportedly a pro-Army shout out in the annual Army v Navy football game from 2008, it really doesn't get much gayer than this:

I can't believe that clip only has 19 thousand hits in 5 years.

And then (via) came this next clip; a teaser for Showtime's upcoming Not-The-League-of-Extraordinary-Gentleman show about literary characters banding together to fight evil, "Penny Dreadful" in which Broadway's original Spider-Man, Reeve Carney plays a decidedly bisexual Dorian Gray (I can only imagine that Oscar Wilde would be very pleased). See if you can spot the moment when Reeve gets licked:

For the first time in a long time, a Showtime series has gotten me hooked. "Shameless" hit me like a ton of bricks when I accidentally stumbled upon the marathon they ran the Sunday before the new season's premiere and I have become a huge fan. Let's see if they can hook me again (I'm guessing yes) with "Penny Dreadful." The show also stars Josh Hartnett; Timothy Dalton and Eva Green. Here are a couple more teasers:

Can't wait!

More, anon.
Prospero

*I'll have to talk about my obsession with the instrument and it's creator, sometime. It's a fascinating story that too few people know (as well as the subject of a musical in progress from yours truly).

I. Can't. Wait.

Click Image to Enlarge

FOX's "Sleepy Hollow" was a happy surprise for both myself and many people I know, and while I am looking forward to several other new shows this season there are a few returning favorites that have me absolutely chomping at the bit to see. 

First up is Ryan Murphy's amazingly-creative-and-creepy television experiment's third season which starts on October 9th. "American Horror Story: Coven." is set in both contemporary New Orleans and Historical Salem, exploring yet another Horror trope with what looks like another season of amazing; puzzling; creepy; original and arresting visuals, story lines, characters and performances from a cast that makes me just a little more excited than a man my age should ever get over a TV show. Returning are the astonishing Jessica Lange; Lily Rabe; Francis Conroy; Taissa Farmiga; Sarah Paulson and Evan Peters. And joining them are some powerhouse talents: Angela Bassett; Kathy Bates (!!); Christine Ebersole (!!) Emma Roberts; Danny Houston (!!) and Pattie effng Lupone (!!!!!). Add a war between Good & Evil Witches to the potential for exponential insanity and you have yourself what has so far been one of the best and most provocative genre series, ever.

Here are all seven Season 3 teasers:



And the first Season 3 promo with dialog, "School:"

And I don't think I need to say how much I am anticipating the Season Four premiere of AMC's "The Walking Dead" (the producers of which just announced a spin-off - oh, excuse me: "Companion" series - for 2014). While I will happily admit that Season Three was better than Season Two, neither was as good as the amazing Season One.It seems like the producers are listening to the fans and upped the ante this season. My mother is actually antsy for it's return.

NBC's dark-humored fantasy "Grimm" ended with our beautiful intrepid hero zombified while in the clutches of a voodoo priest. A co-worker whom I truly adore watches because her husband watches and calls it "The Grimm." It's another show Mom surprisingly loves - and I love that she's finally come to appreciate quality genre works. She was a huge "Fringe" and "Lost" fan and I'm so glad she's expanded her horizons. We know Nick is going to escape and recover from whatever Baron Samedi has done to him, but that's hardly the point. It's clever and campy and imaginative with a terrific ensemble cast and usually well-executed (and often hilarious) CGI transformation FX. But like any good show, story is king and the mythology is both well-constructed and unfolding in a way that makes complete sense. But most importantly, "Grimm" never takes itself too seriously, which helps to make it both endearing and interesting.

Outside of Genre shows, I am also looking forward to the return of CBS's Law and Politics drama, "The Good Wife." Another dream cast of exceptionally talented actors and a brilliant writing team make "The Good Wife" so worth DVR'ing. 

There are a few others I'm looking forward to seeing return and at least one or three I don't understand why they are returning at all. There are also lots of new shows this season that I'll write about the next time I write about TV (which will probably be soon).

In the meantime, what shows are you excited to see returning this fall?

More, anon.

Prospero

The Gayest Thing You'll See This Week

Michael Douglas and Matt Damon in Behind the Candelabra

It's been a while since I've done a "Gayest Thing" post, but I think this movie warrants one. 

I'm still not sure how I feel about HBO's upcoming film Behind the Candelabra. When I was kid in the 60's and 70's (I keep telling you I'm old), Liberace was a huge star, as famous for his diamond-encrusted pianos and feathered capes as he was for his prodigious talent as a pianist. He loved performing and loved his fans, most of whom were middle-aged straight ladies who imagined the fairly attractive son of Polish immigrants could be theirs for the asking. Liberace was so popular, he even appeared on "Batman" as concert pianist Chandell and his evil twin, Harry who goaded Chandell into becoming the villain "Fingers." In real life, Liberace was born with a twin brother who didn't survive and parodies of him often refer to his brother 'George.' His flamboyant life of excess came to an end in 1987 when he died of AIDS-related pneumonia at the age of 67. Though he was sued for palimony by former chauffeur and alleged lover Scott Thorson in 1982, Liberace denied his homosexuality up until his death. Thorson settled out of court for $95K. At one time the highest paid performer in the world, Liberace supposedly made Thorson have cosmetic surgery in order to make him look like a younger version of himself. 

Director Steven Soderbergh (Magic Mike; Contagion) and HBO have teamed up to bring us Behind the Candelabra, screenwriter Richard LaGravense's take on the tumultuous three-year relationship between Lee (as Liberace's friends knew him) and Thorson. Michael Douglas plays Liberace and Matt Damon is Thorson. As seen in the trailer below, Douglas went out of his way to study and emulate Liberace's iconic vocal patterns, while Damon obviously buffed up to play the flamboyant entertainer's boy-toy:

Rob Lowe; Dan Ackroyd; Cheyenne Jackson; Debbie Reynolds; Scott Bakula and Paul Reiser all have supporting roles (all of whom may well prove far more interesting to see than Douglas and Damon) in what promises to be an exploitative and over-the-top movie from one of the most innovative directors in Hollywood. Uncle P is actually considering subscribing to HBO just to see this film, though in all honestly, I'll probably wait until it's on Netflix or available on DVD. 

Honestly, does it get any gayer than this?

More, anon.
Prospero

Retro Review: 5 For and 5 Against "Mother's Day"

So, I finally got to see the much talked-about 'remake' of Mother's Day from director Darren Lynn Bousman (Repo: The Genetic Opera) and I first have to say that it resembles Charles Kaufman's 1980 Troma slasher as much as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre resembles Psycho. They may share the same source material, but they are two very different films. And I must admit, Bousman's is the more successful of two. 

A suburban house party is interrupted when three bank-robbing brothers force their way into the home where they grew up, only to discover that their mother doesn't live there anymore. Brother Johnny (Matt O'Learly) has been shot. Brothers Addley (Warren Kole from USA's "Common Law") and Ike (Patrick Fluegler from "The 4400") call Mother to come get them. When Mother and Sister arrive, all hell breaks loose and the movie becomes a story of survival, torture, desperation and revenge. 

It's late and I'm tired, so here's another 5 For/Five Against review, inspired (as always) by my buddy, Sean:

5 For:

1. Rebecca De Mornay, best known for Risky Business and The Hand that Rocks the Cradle, gives a new career-defining performance as Mother. As chilling as she may have been in Cradle, she is absolutely terrifying as a woman who will go to any lengths to protect her children.

2. Shawn Ashmore (X-Men; X2) is practically perfect as George, the doctor forced to attend to a killer and who has perfect insight into Mother's manipulations (on a side note, his twin brother Aaron can be seen on my favorite steampunk SyFy show, "Warehouse 13").

3. Scott Milam's screenplay transforms Kaufman's characters into real life people, as opposed to the cartoonish villains Kaufman gave us in the original.

4. Warren Kole's obviously insane Addley was the antithesis of the character he plays on "Common Law." Kole proves himself an actor who is not afraid to go where he needs to in order to achieve the performance required. Addley is definitely not a guy you want to meet in a dark alley.

5. Bousman manages to create an intense feeling of claustrophobia in what is probably his most artistically successful film to date. Yes, there are plenty of scenes set outside the house where the main action takes place, but the scenes in the house's basement are particularly upsetting and disturbing.

5 Against:

1. The violent torture depicted in the film may be a bit much for some viewers. I was able to distance myself, but some folks may find some scenes too much to handle.

2. Jaime King ("Heart of Dixie") as the film's "final girl" just didn't cut it for me. Her rather one-note performance didn't make Beth a character I wanted to root for.

3. The movie keeps referencing an impending tornado which is threatening the Nebraska town in which the film is set but we never get to see any evidence of such a storm.

4. Stupid cops. A cop arrives at the house and obviously suspects something is wrong, yet he never calls for back up and (SPOILER ALERT) announces his presence without being sure the killer is actually dead.

5. The ending (SPOILER ALERT 2). Characters who should have been dead, survive and pull off a highly improbable kidnapping. 

Overall, I liked the movie. It's one of the better 'Home Invasion' films in recent memory and proves that Bousman is capable of making a film that doesn't rely on weird makeup prosthetics or strange mechanical devices to make an interesting, if very disturbing, film. **1/2 (Two and a Half Out of Four Stars).

More, anon.
Prospero

Retro Review: 5.5 For and 5 Against "X-Men: First Class"

I really do wish I could see more movies in an actual movie theatre. But, now that I have some premium tier channels again, I'm happy to be catching up on quite a few movies I missed in theaters: The Thing (2011); Scream 4; Conan the Barbarian (2011); Horrible Bosses. The first three were just awful, though  Horrible Bosses' mashup of 9 to 5 and Strangers on a Train meet The Three Stooges was ridiculous, but funny as hell with stellar performances all around. So good, that I have to admit that I did not hate Jennifer Aniston in a movie for the first time, ever. She is actually quite hilarious in this movie, as are Kevin Spacey; Colin Farrell; Jason Sudiekis; Charlie Day; Jaime Foxx and the still-adorable Jason Bateman. A modern madcap comedy for grown-ups. Watch the trailer here.

Tonight, I finally got to see Matthew Vaughn's Superhero origin prequel X-Men: First Class. I'll tell you right now that I liked it a lot. I'm not surprised, Vaughn has made two other films I really like (one of which I adore); Kick-Ass and the perfect fantasy Stardust. It has a mostly terrific cast and it beautifully sets up a lot of what we know about the X-Men from the first three films, as well as what put the events of those films into motion. Anyway, since I was up very late last night, I promised myself not to be tonight. So here (as always with a nod to Sean) are 

5.5 For and 5 Against: X-Men: First Class

 FOR:

5. Four writers doesn't usually mean an intelligent script, but with Vaughn one of them, the alt-history plot which hinged on the Cuban Missile Crisis of 1962 was so clever. It probably helped that Singer was one of the producers and co-wrote the story.

5.5. Cameos galore! So many awesome appearances from genre and franchise favs in dozens of cameos!

4. Rose Byrne, playing plucky CIA Agent Moira McTaggert. I love Byrne in everything I've seen her do (especially "Damages") and thought she did quite well with what she was given. And just for the straight boys, she's down to her 1962 lacy undies within seconds of her first appearance, in order to get into a private party at a Vegas casino.

3. The visuals! First Class features some of the best special effects in the franchise. The attack on Langly and the finale were nothing short of spectacular. The period costumes by Sammy Sheldon and Chris Seagers' production design are dead on.

 

2. Kevin Bacon as an ageless, mad-scientist energy mutant was half Bond villain and all perverse and disturbing as hell. Everybody loves Bacon. (Mmmmm... Unexplained bacon...). Bacon rocks the evil in this movie!

1. One simply cannot take one's eyes away from Michael Fassbender - he is literally fascinating to watch and he once again owns an entire film. If for no other reason, see it for his performance. No one portrays pain and anguish quite like Fassbender. The man's wheels always appear to be turning and his face and body language always say why he's saying what he's actually saying.

AGAINST:

5. Nicolas Hoult's weird-ass baby alien face. Is he almost-not-quite-cute-triangular-headed, or is just me? I guess he makes a cute-ish zombie in the upcoming Warm Bodies. He just just looks odd here, though I guess he's supposed to, in order to like his transformation into Beast. I found him much more attractive blue and hairy, but maybe that's just a bear thing... (Did someone just say TMI?)

4. James McAvoy came very close, but just missed it for me. I wish I knew why. It just wasn't all there, if that makes any sense. He wasn't bad, but I guess he just wouldn't have been my first choice (and please don't ask who is - I don't know).

3. January Jones. Yawn. The whole thing. The character; her abilities; the performance - all terrible, terrible, terrible. Yawn.

2. Shaw's (Bacon) lame motive for starting WWIII. Who the hell wants to be the Emperor of a destroyed planet?

1. As with McAvoy, Jennifer Lawrence would not have been my first choice for a young Mystique. A lovely young woman, Lawrence doesn't wear the 'real' Mystique costume nearly as well as Rebecca Romijn and it was actually distracting. Maybe it's the hair? Ugh. She just didn't work for me, here. Again, don't ask why who I would have cast instead. 

Most certainly better than Brett Ratner's X-Men: The Last Stand and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but almost as good as X2, X-Men: First Class is certainly worth seeing, if you haven't already. I know that I'll really try to see the as-of-this-writing unofficially titled sequel in a theater, especially knowing that Vaughn is once again directing. ***1/2 (Three and a Half Out of Four Stars).

BTW - did you catch the X-Men reference in the Horrible Bosses trailer?

More, anon.

Prospero

Flush that Potty Mouth!

Ghostly Graffiti in Grave Encounters

Last year I posted about the trailer for Grave Encounters, an independent horror movie about the crew of a paranormal investigative TV show who find themselves trapped inside an abandoned asylum which is not only actually haunted, but may be rife with demonic forces. I finally caught it last night on cable and thought I'd share a few thoughts about it with you.

A 'found footage' movie in the style of The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity, Grave Encounters has some truly intense moments and a couple of great jolts (a moment that truly got me involved images similar to one of the most terrifying nightmares I've ever had). The cast of Canadian unknowns does alright and the atmospheric sets are downright creepy. And like any decent haunted house movie, it's most effective moments are when we can't see what's happening and are left to imagine it for ourselves. All in all, Grave Encounters is a fun and effective horror movie that I almost really enjoyed. 

Almost? Yes, almost. And I'll tell you why - nearly every other word in the movie was "F#@%!" Now, I'm no prude. I have no problem with profanity and have been known to use some very colorful combinations of it (especially when a rude and dangerous driver pulls some idiotic stunt in front of me) and have even included the F-bomb in my own screenplays. It wasn't that someone used the word. It was that everyone used the word, constantly. It got to the point where I literally wished I could have reached into the screen and washed the actors' mouths out with soap. The movie was written and directed by first-time filmmakers, the Vicious Brothers but I don't know whether the script was that profane or the actors improvised all of that swearing. In either case, it nearly ruined what would have been a perfectly fine movie experience. the brothers have written a sequel which is scheduled for an October release in Canada. I hope they toned the swearing down for it. Of course, the actors could have just been swearing about being Canadian (love you Joyce and Mark!). 

 More, anon.
Prospero

Cable Review: "Saw VI"

I actually loved the first Saw movie. Director James Wan and co-writer Leigh Whannel actually managed to fool me with the film's twist ending, and I loved the dark, grim feel they managed to create (not to mention appearances by Danny Glover, Cary Elwes, Dina Meyer and "Lost" baddie Michael Emerson).

Of course, as the franchise has progressed, the quality has suffered (despite the almost-as-good Saw II) and the movies have degenerated into a "how can we kill them, next?" series of contrivances. I officially gave up on seeing the movies in a theater after Saw II, but have managed to catch the rest either on DVD or on cable. Such was the case while bored over the past weekend, when I caught Saw VI On Demand.

The long-dead killer Jigsaw (Tobin Bell), continues his plan to teach people the value of life through a series of deadly puzzles, thanks to FBI Agent Hoffman (former "Picket Fences" hottie Costas Mandylor), who has apparently been an accomplice since Saw III. We learn this through the franchise's by now well-known series of partial flash-backs, which also allow for more appearances by Jigsaw and his devoted acolyte, Amanda (Shawnee Smith) - think of Dr. Phibes and his beloved Vulnavia. This time, Jigsaw is targeting the Health Insurance Industry, trapping an insurance exec (Peter Outerbridge) in a building filled with kidnapped employees of his company; forcing said exec to choose which of them will live or die via a set of increasingly bizarre traps and puzzles. Aliens alum Mark Rolston returns as a police detective and Jill Tuck returns as Jigsaw's widow, following her late husband's final wishes.

Screenwriters Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton (winners of the final "Project Greenlight" contest for the amusing Feast)*, along with director Kevin Greutert, do nothing to add anything new to the franchise, other than coming up with sicker ways to kill people. Mandylor is sweaty and apprehensive throughout, knowing he is about to be caught. The film's final scenes, initially set-up to lead us to believe this will be the last of the increasingly ridiculous movies, ultimately let the audience down with a patently ridiculous ending that only leaves room for another outlandish and awful sequel.

I had hoped that Lionsgate Films would let this franchise die the death it deserves but, sadly, Saw VII has already started filming... sigh...

O Stars out of Four. Rated "R" for Violence, Gore and language.

*On a side note, Uncle P's own screenplay, Army of the Dead finished in the top 25% of entries in that last Project Greenlight contest.

More, anon.
Prospero

The "Joys" of Pay TV

After many years as a Comcast customer (and before that, Cablevision), I recently switched to Verizon's FIOS service. I did so, not only because I could bundle my Internet service, landline phone and TV into one cost-effective bill, but because Comcast's Customer Service (as I am sure many of you know) was something even less than deplorable. I do find that the picture is better and the FIOS CS reps are far more polite and responsive. And I must note that when I returned my Comcast digital box, they never even bothered to ask why I was dropping their service, nor offered me any incentives to stay with them. Honestly, I hope they soon go out of business - that's how awful they are.

But even before I made the switch, I dropped my "premium" pay-channels (HBO, Showtime, etc.). Despite a few original series I loved ("Dead Like Me;" "Queer as Folk;" "Six Feet Under;" "Carnivale"), the premium channels offered movies I'd either already seen in the theater or had rented on DVD. Now, as part of my subscription to FIOS, I have a free trial to all the premium channels again. Picking through their offerings, I decided to watch a few movies I'd never seen. The first was Reno 911!: Miami. Based on the Comedy Central series, the movie was more of the same comic idiocy we've all come to expect from the crew at "Reno 911!" but with more foul language and some graphic nudity (little of which appealed to me, as it mostly consisted of women's bare boobies). Amusing, but hardly worth the $9.00 it would have cost me to see it in the cinema, even though it does feature my favorite reality TV show hostess, Niecy Nash of Style Network's "Clean House. "

Next, I stumbled upon a true gem of crap - the Hilary Swank "horror " movie The Reaping.

Swank (who's won not one, but two Oscars) is a religious 'debunker.' A former missionary whose family was murdered in the Sudan, Swank now spends her days as college professor who proves that miracles aren't miracles at all. When she is asked to investigate a town which seems to be expriencing the Biblical plagues of "Exodus," she and her assistant head down to the bayou to check it out. It seems that the town blames a beautiful little girl for their woes (a river turned to blood, a rain of frogs and kids full of head lice) and they expect Swank to kill her for them. Not only is Swank's faith tested, but so is our patience. Stephen Rae (The Crying Game) plays Swank's friend and mentor, a priest who wisely stays out of the main action and literally phones in his performance. It turns out that town is filled with evil folks and the young girl is actually an angel, sent to prevent the coming of the anti-Christ, or some such nonsense. I couldn't be sure because the script, by Carey and Chad Hayes makes no sense at all. There are some intersting CGI FX and an appearance by William Ragsdale (Gremlins) as the Sherriff, but mostly this movie made my head hurt. In fact, The Reaping is so bad, I wanted to ask for my money back, even though I hadn't paid a dime to see it. I ask you, it too much to expect that a two-time Academy Award-winning actress be in a movie that not only makes sense, but is actually entertaining? I think not.

Needless to say, if this is the kind of fare being offered on "Premium" channels, I'll be calling up to cancel as soon as my free trial is over. On the bright side, FIOS does offer more HD channels than Comcast and the picture is measurably sharper. If you have an HD Television and FIOS is available in your area (it's not available in about half of the area in which I live), go for it. You won't be sorry.

More, anon.

Prospero

Flight of the Conchords

Okay - I guess I have to start by saying that I got rid of HBO and Showtime about 3 years ago. Alan Ball's brilliant "Six Feet Under" had ended on HBO (in the single best series finale in television history, I might add) and "Queer as Folk" was about to have it's final season on Showtime (the show - always little more than an extra-sexy soap-opera - had become stale, anyway, so I didn't feel like I was missing much. I didn't watch any of the channels' other series ("The Sopranos" had already jumped the shark two seasons earlier) and they both played the same crappy, old movies, over and over. I cut a huge a huge chunk off my cable bill and got DVR, which is the best invention since the VCR.

But lately, I'd been reading about an HBO comedy called "Flight of the Conchords," about two Kiwi (New Zealander) musicians who move to New York to make a name for themselves. The critics were calling it fun, quirky and original and as I read more about the show and the duo, I got curious. Now, I'm too lazy to go watch them on YouTube (I can't access YouTube at work, and just don't bother at home), but I was desperate to at least hear songs with hilarious titles like "Hiphopodomus vs. Rhymenoceros" and "Mutha 'uckas." So, when I was in New York last weekend, while browsing the bizarre assortment of fun items at Urban Outfitters in Union Square, I came across their CD. On a whim, I bought it (I also bought a couple of other CDs at the Virgin Megastore, too).

Here's the deal: I still haven't listened to it. Don't know why. I opened it, took out the disc and looked at the very colorful, 2-sided mini-poster that came along with it, then put the disc back in the jacket and set it on my desk. I'm looking it at as I type this. Don't know why I haven't played it yet. Fear of disappointment, maybe? Maybe it's that my subconscious thinks that if I don't listen to it, I won't know that I've wasted my money on something I don't like. I honestly have no idea. I've listened to the other CDs I bought that day.

Maybe I'll listen to a song tonight. If I like it, I'll try some more. Maybe not. Help me. Please, help me.