The Most Egregious Thing You'll See This Week

I was a sophomore in High School when Annie made it's Broadway debut (look it up and do the math). The comic-strip on which the musical was based debuted in 1933 and was still in syndication when the musical first arrived on the Great White Way. It's ubiquitous anthem "Tomorrow" is one the late 20th Century's most recognizable songs and without it, we wouldn't have Sarah Jessica Parker.  The show has had two revivals, one in 1997 and another in 2012. It was made into a not terrible movie in 1982, starring a local gal with whom my mother shared 1 degree of separation, Aileen Quinn (Mom worked with Aileen's mother back in her Playground Monitor days). Carol Burnett and Tim Curry were the villains in director John Huston's fairly faithful version.

News of a new version slated to star Willa Smith arose about three years ago. Last year it was announced that Smith was out, replaced by Beasts of the Southern Wild Oscar-nominee Quvenzhané Wallis.All seemed well and good until we found out that Cameron Diaz (Bad Teacher) and Jaimie Foxx (Ray) were slated to play Miss Hannigan and the updated version of Daddy Warbucks, Benjamin Stacks (get it? -- ugh!). Okay. Fine. Maybe an update is in order. Urban orphans are certainly VERY different today from those of the Great Depression. I have no problem with making older works relevant to modern audiences. I've set both Much Ado About Nothing and Romeo and Juliet in the 20th Century. A timeless story is just that, right?

Wrong.

Look at this trailer for the 2014 Annie and tell me it doesn't make you want to pull your hair out by the roots.

UGH! It's everything I hate about the treacly original show, combined with every unoriginal thought put to paper by modern, corporate filmmakers. Directed by Will Gluck (best known for teen sex comedies like Easy A), this shameless POS is a perfect example of everything wrong with Hollywood and the U.S. film industry today. The trailer makes it clear that this movie will undoubtedly be the miserable flop that it is destined (and deserves) to be.

More, anon.

Prospero

PS - A special thanks to my friend Sally, who first shared that clip.

The Sound of Vincent Spinning

Tim Burton and Johnny Depp have made some terrific movies together. Edward Scissorhands; Ed Wood (Burton's masterpiece, as far I am concerned) and Sleepy Hollow, among them. They've also made increasingly bad movies. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (which I am almost embarrassed to admit I really liked because of it's loyalty to the book, and Depp's creepy, weird and molestery performance); Sweeney Todd (a movie so removed from its very theatrical origins - much like Les Miserables - that it became little more than a slasher movie with songs); Alice in Wonderland (which I found to be actually insulting to Lewis Carroll and all of nonsense. Imagine being insulting to nonsense. It's actually too sad to be considered nonsense) and worst of all, last year's truly awful Dark Shadows. Burton over-estimated the camp value of the series whose fans hated that he tried to make it into a deliberate comedy. The TV show's appeal was never its camp - it was the characters and the story lines. Sure, they were absurd. But that's the nature of genre TV and film. The audience accepts those unlikely conceits by acquiescing to a willing suspension of disbelief. When the absurdities became the point, that suspension shuts down and people hate you for making fun of the show instead of embracing what they loved about it.

Burton used to be an interesting and actually good filmmaker. But then he got jaded and lazy and lost sight of the importance of story. Anymore, his films are about visual tricks and weird CGI. Depp used to be an interesting and fun actor, but since Pirates of the Caribbean  (not a Burton film), he's become a parody of himself, known for being bizarre more than anything else. His upcoming role as Tonto alongside Armie Hammer's Lone Ranger is just further proof of that. Watch this trailer if you don't believe me.

Of course, Burton and I have many common influences, which naturally makes me want to like his work, very much. One of those influences was the amazing genre actor Vincent Price. And while I've certainly seen just about all of Price's films by now (even the non-genre ones), my favorites are what I consider his Masterpiece Trilogy: The Abominable Dr. Phibes; Dr. Phibes Rises Again and Theatre of Blood. The Phibes movies are about a massively disfigured musician and composer taking revenge on those whom he considers responsible for his wife's death, while Theatre of Blood concerns an insane hack Shakespearean actor who, after failing at killing himself, takes revenge on the critics he blames for his failing career.

Today, Naughty But Nice Rob (a blog I've never heard of before, but was linked to via my Facebook feed), is reporting that Burton has cast Depp in his remake of The Abominable Dr. Phibes. And I responded with "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"  The bizarre, Steampunk/Clockwork/Art Deco horror movie with murders based on the 10 Plagues deserves a better team. I know Burton has a deep reverence for Vincent (indeed, the film that first got him noticed is an homage to our mutual hero and Price's last film was Edward Scissorhands), but I can't imagine either of them restraining themselves enough to make an actually good version of this movie. They must be stopped. I can't handle the thought of Helena Bonham Carter as Vulnavia.

While Theatre of Blood was adapted into a stage play in London a few years ago, I've always thought it deserved a musical adaptation. Wish I could afford the rights to that. Of course, I could always do an "unauthorized" version...

As for the Burton/Depp remake of Phibes? That spinning sound you hear is coming all the way from Mr. Price's grave.

More, anon.
Prospero

Please Don't Shoot Myrna's Dog

John Daker

I have absolutely nothing bad to say about most religious people. I may think they are silly and misguided, though most of them are decent people with good intentions; inclusive and non-judgmental; loving and fervent in their beliefs. That's fine with me. As long as they don't try to impose their beliefs on me, that's just peachy.

Of course, they are also human, which means they have egos. Egos which lead them - despite their most devout intentions - down the path of derision, ridicule and just plain patheticity (Yes, I made up another word. Deal). These folks truly believe they are doing 'service' to their Lord with these performances, While I have no doubt about their sincerity, their obvious lack of musical talent far surpasses the messages they are trying to import.

A few years back, I stumbled upon the video below and shared it during the Holidays. I remember commenting that poor Myrna looked as if her dog was being held at gunpoint off-camera, which was a reference to former Little Rascals star Jackie Cooper (Superman), who claimed producers threatened to shoot his dog to make him cry on camera.

And I imagine that attorney Michael Clancy wishes this next video never found it's way to YouTube. I'm guessing this is late 80's to early 90's. Ladies and Germs; I give you young, white, untalented Christian rapper Michael Clancy and Nu Thang:

I'm lucky enough to be from a time before video cameras and when the most embarrassing photos are safe inside an album. Poor Mr. Clancy will have this follow him in Cyber Space well beyond his death.

And speaking of things from beyond the grave (rimshot, please), the latest of such performances to pass across my feeds is "My Name is John Daker." Mr. Daker, undoubtedly confident of his presentation before actually shooting, does his best to keep from looking terrified at forgetting nearly every word of both of the songs he was supposed to sing. The fact that neither song has anything  to do with the other makes it all the better (or worse - I'm not sure which).

Oh, dear. Of course, since then, I've discovered two rather genius takes on that clip. First this animated version from cr0uchingtiger:



But best, this 'Daker on Idol' mashup from Erik Hollander:

I really don't have much more to say. I think the clips speak for themselves. No, I'm not 'God.' Yes, I am judging you (well, your performances, anyway) and I find your lack of talent disturbing. Just promise you'll never record yourselves 'singing' again and we're cool. And Myrna - I hope your dog was okay.

More, anon.

Prospero

The Strangest Opera, Best Sci-Fi and Worst Superhero You'll See this Week

Oh, Hell No!

So, Uncle P has an honest to goodness date tomorrow night - my first in more than ten years! Yikes! I met T on "Compatible Partners," the site E-Harmony was compelled by the courts to create. T seems likes a nice, normal guy from our emails, texts and phone conversations. Of course, my breakup with Ric was rather devastating as I thought I had found the person with whom I was going to spend the rest of my life. Looking back, I'm actually glad that didn't work out as my life would have been very different had we stayed together.   

But that has little to do with tonight's post.

First up (via) comes this bizarre and rather entertaining video from tenor August Schram,who mixes realism, surrealism and kink to create this possibly NSFW video for the aria "Habanero" from Bizet's classic opera "Carmen:"

Of course, regular readers know how much of a geek I am when it comes to Horror, Sci-Fi and Fantasy. And as much as I really loved JJ Abrams' Star Trek reboot, I'm really looking forward to it's sequel: Star Trek: Into the Darkness. Here's a little "behind the scenes" video to whet our geeky appetites:

Last, but not least, new photos of wackadoo Nicholas Cage in test footage for Tim Burton's proposed (and happily aborted) "Superman Lives!" movie have surfaced, featuring Cage wearing a 'muscularly enhanced' Superman costume (see above photo via) Personally, I can't get past Cage's receding hairline. Superman should have super hair, no? Henry Cavill may not have been my first choice for the iconic American superhero, but Cage would certainly be my last. Thank goodness this film was never made. Poor little Cal-El Cage might never have lived down the embarrassment.

More, anon.
Prospero

TV Review: "Once Upon a Time"

Let's take another zombie break, shall we? That's the beautiful and talented Lana Parilla as the Evil Queen in ABC's newest series "Once Upon a Time." Parilla's big break came on "Spin City." Since then she's appeared on the failed "Boomtown;" the failed "Swingtown" and the failed "Miami Medical." Sadly, it looks like she's landed another turkey with "Once Upon a Time."

A sequel of sorts to the familiar stories we all grew up with, "Once..." starts with Prince Charming (Josh Dallas) rescuing Snow White (Ginnifer Goodwin). On their wedding day, the Evil Queen promises to put a curse on all the fairy-tale characters, sending them "somewhere horrible" (the 'real' world). A pregnant Snow (Disney characters have sex?), unnerved by the prediction, seeks out the imprisoned Rumpelstiltskin (Robert Carlyle) for advice. He tells her that the daughter she is carrying will save them all on her 28th birthday.

Meanwhile, in modern Boston, Emma Swan ("House" alum Jennifer Morrison) appears to be on a blind date with a handsome rogue. Turns out she's really a bonds person, taking down a creep who skipped out on bail. She arrives home to celebrate her birthday alone with a cupcake when her doorbell rings. There she finds young Henry (Jared Gilmore), a 10 year-old who claims to be the son she gave up for adoption. Begging her to come home with him, Henry explains that Emma holds the key to saving him and everyone else in Storybrooke, Maine from the curse. He says his adoptive mother, the town's mayor (Parilla) doesn't really love him and he knows why. After dropping Henry home, a wolf in the road leads to an accident which keeps Emma in town and after some poking around, she decides to stay for a week at Granny's Bed and Breakfast. There she runs into Mr. Gold (Carlyle) who, Granny explains, owns the town.

Jumping back and forth between the two worlds, "Once Upon a Time" does it's best to create a cohesive story. And because Disney owns ABC, the show uses the Disney character names (Doc; Sleepy; Grumpy; Jimminy Cricket, etc.) with abandon. But try as they may, the writers ("Lost" and Tron: Legacy writers Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis) just don't cut it. While the fairy-tale land is gorgeously rendered in terrific CGI with beautiful and elaborate costumes, the whole thing is just too damned silly to be taken seriously. It might have worked if they had taken the characters and set them in the modern world as an allegory, but making them the actual fairy tale characters trapped in the 'real' world, is just ridiculous. 

And before you say "Enchanted" (a movie I loved) to me, I have to say that there is not a hint of comic irony to "Once Upon a Time." We're meant to view this nonsense as a serious dramatic take on the genre. I'm hoping that NBC's upcoming competing fairy-tale series "Grimm" does a better job of it, though I'm dubious.

I'll probably watch "Once Upon a Time" a few more times before I give up on it entirely, but I don't anticipate the show making it past it's first season.

The real losers here are the talented cast, forced to take part in the most ridiculous series in recent memory. while retaining straight faces. *(One Star Out of Four).

And here's the trailer for NBC's competing series, "Grimm"

 

At least they have the good taste to use a Eurythimics song...

More, anon.

Prospero

Someone PLEASE Stop Them!

This is a shot (via) of Johnny Depp as Barnabas Collins on the set of Tim Burton's Dark Shadows movie, scheduled for a 2012 release. Seriously? Depp looks like Michael Jackson playing the Joker in an exceptionally terrible Joel Schumacher Batman movie. 

Okay. Burton and Depp made the remarkable Edward Scissorhands and the amazing and totally under appreciated Ed Wood. But that was back in the 90's when Burton was still a wunderkind and Depp was just known as a "quirky" actor. Then came 1999's Sleepy Hollow. Not awful, but not nearly as good as their prior collaborations. In 2005 I enjoyed Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, mostly because it followed the original Raold Dahl book more closely than the Gene Wilder version. Most critics hated it. Corpse Bride that same year was fun, but it was a simple voice-over job for Depp.

Then came the travesty that was 2007's Sweeney Todd. Seeing Stephen Sondheim's brilliant black comedy operetta turned into a musical horror movie was actually painful, especially given Depp's reedy tenor in a role written for a powerful baritone. In full disclosure, I played Sweeney in a rather amazing and particularly dark 1998 production, so I may be a bit biased. Still, for those who know and love the original show, the movie was abysmal. Most recently was Burton's most craptacular movie to date, Alice in Wonderland. An inexplicable box-office hit, Burton's 3D version of Lewis Carroll's nonsense classic is, quite simply, a fiasco. I could hear the Right Reverend Dodgson spinning in his grave from across the Atlantic as I watched this bastardized piece of Jabberwock poo. And again, in full disclosure (and as many readers know), I am an 'Alice' fanatic, having written several papers in college on both of the Alice novels and much of Carroll's poetry.

So now comes the above image from Burton's and Depp's latest collaboration and all I have to to say  to them is: "Put the bong down, stop chomping on the 'shrooms and leave my childhood the hell alone!" 

Below is a picture of Jonathan Frid as Barnabas in the Gothic daytime soap opera that ran on ABC from 1966 to 1971:

Now does that look anything like the foppish clown in the photo above? Survey says: "Buzzzzzz!"

"Dark Shadows," with its cheap special effects and preposterous story line (which included vampires; werewolves; witches; ghosts; time travel and even an alternate universe 40+ years before "Fringe") has deservedly developed a cult following since it first aired. To see the groundbreaking supernatural show sullied in such a way is not only an insult to its fans, but a slap in the face to the original cast.

Granted, this is only the first image we've seen. It may well be a deliberately campy shot in an otherwise brilliant take on the series. But given Burton and Depp's most recent track record, I think not.

Are/were you a "Dark Shadows" fan? Are you a Depp/Burton fan? Am I overreacting? Look at that picture again. Just as a reminder, here's a 1967 clip from the original show:

Dig that swinging 60's soundtrack! Frid may not have had Depp's admittedly sexual attractiveness, but he was at least believable as a vampire. So again, I implore you all, someone please stop them!

More, anon.
Prospero

A Movie in the Worst of Taste

I was going to talk about this movie earlier this week, but it slipped my mind until I saw another trailer for it today.

In 30 Minutes or Less, Jesse Eisenberg (Zombieland; The Social Network) plays a pizza delivery boy who gets a bomb strapped to his chest by two idiots (Danny McBride and Nick Swardson) who force him to rob a bank. Eisenberg drags buddy Aziz Ansari ("Parks and Recreation") along for the ride. All of this is supposedly played for laughs. 

I say supposedly because the thing is, this happened in real life a few years ago with tragic results.

In August of 2003, pizza deliveryman Brian Douglas Wells was arrested after robbing a bank while wearing a collar bomb, which he claimed he had been forced to wear. After a standoff with police, the bomb went off, killing him. 

It was later learned that Wells, an Erie, PA high-school dropout, was in on the plot but thought the bomb was going to be a fake. When he learned it was real, he tried to back out and after tussling with his accomplices, was in fact forced to go through with the robbery. In 2008, accomplice Kenneth Barnes was sentenced to 45 years in federal prison; in 2010, accomplice Marjorie Diehl-Armstrong was sentenced to life plus 30 years for her role in the robbery/murder.

Why writer Micheal Dilberti, director Ruben Fleischer (Zombieland) and company think this is fodder for a raunchy comedy is beyond me. And worst of all, it just looks awful:

Thankfully, the movie's been getting terrible reviews. It currently stands at a paltry 45% on RottenTomatoes and critic Leonard Maltin says "What can I say about a movie that made me want to take a shower and cleanse myself, afterward?"

Maybe if they had made a serious drama about the true events, they could have had a compelling film on their hands. It all sounded like something out of heist-gone-wrong movie when it was happening. 

Everyone involved in this movie should be ashamed of themselves. This is Hollywood at its worst, exploiting a real-life tragedy for cheap laughs. And anyone who pays to see this movie should be ashamed of themselves, as well. Disgusting and disturbing (gee, Uncle P, how do you really feel?).

More, anon.

Prospero

Speaking of Daniel Craig...

One reason (of several dozen or so) that I love seeing movies in a theater is that they show trailers. And the last two movies I saw were each prefaced by at least 8 trailers - some for movies I really want to see, some for movies I'd rather have a hot poker stuck in my ear than see. Before Cowboys & Aliens last night, I saw two trailers that really got to me. One because I thought it might give too much away and the other... well, we'll get to that in a minute.

The first was for Dream House; starring Craig, his new wife Rachel Weisz and Naomi Watts. It's the story of  a family who move into a house where the previous owner had murdered his wife and children. Or did he? 

Craig and Weisz are the couple and Watts is the neighbor who seems to know more than she's letting on.

The problem with the trailer is that it seems to give up too much information. Or does it? I'm sure there's a mystery to be solved, and I hope that we're seeing stuff from the movie's first and second acts only, because it would really suck if not. You tell me:

So what do you think? Too much info? Or is there (hopefully) way more to this story that they aren't showing us? Dream House is scheduled to be released on September 30th of this year.

Now - on to the other trailer that got me riled up. I've never been a fan of movies based on toys (though the opposite holds true of toys based on movies). And before you mouth off - the Toy Story movies don't fall into this category because Pixar invented the star toys for the story and use real-life toys only as supporting characters. I'm talking about movies like the execrable Transformers films. Even worse are movies based on board games. Now I know it has plenty of fans, but I have to say Clue is a terrible movie. The only time I laughed is when the singing telegram girl (played by The Go-Go's Jane Wiedlin) gets shot. But the coming months seem to bursting with board game-inspired movies, the first of which is apparently Battleship:

Liam, no! Still, I guess it's better than two hours of this:

Other board games and toys reportedly scheduled for film adaptations include Monopoly; Ouija and (dear lord!) Stretch Armstrong. Hollywood has truly become the nadir of true creativity. Sorry, I have to stop. I think I'm going to be sick...

More, anon.
Prospero

The Ultimate Slap in the Face

That's an image of the villain "Carnage" from Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, the $65M Broadway disaster I've been decrying for months.

Last week, the producers fired meglomaniacal director Julie Taymor (though "official" press releases say she will still be part of the show's creative team) and commissioned new songs from Bono and The Edge. They brought in director Phillip William McKinley (The Boy from Oz) and Marvel writer Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa to fix the problems with the show, though at this point, it's probably beyond saving. 

I've said all along that this was a bad idea from the get-go, though a few theatre friends tried to defend it... The show is now scheduled to close for three weeks in order to fix it (though I doubt three weeks is enough  to come up with an entirely new second act) and is now officially scheduled to open June 14th, with previews resuming on May 12th.

While I am always a proponent of new theatricals, I will continue to express my disdain for this ill-conceived project until it closes, which should be sometime in July (sigh). I am always sad to see a show fail, but I honestly can't say I'll be sorry to see this particular show fall by the wayside. Not everything is worth musicalizing and not every idea (no matter how good it may seem at first) should be brought to fruition. Taymor, whose original concept came to her as a dream after 9/11) apparently had no prior knowledge of the Marvel source material, and tried to integrate completely irrelevant Greek mythology into the show. Maybe she should have read a few of the Marvel comics, or at least viewed the Sam Raimi films before attempting to adapt the character for a musical.

If you want to see Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark (whatever the hell that title means), I suggest you do so while you can. In the meantime, enjoy this parody from Jimmy Kimmel:

Ouch! Take that, Broadway!

I will always love "The Great Invalid," but sometimes the folks who run it just have to admit when they've been defeated.

More, anon.
Prospero

Musical 'Meh'

Since I've been going on and on about Top Girls almost ad nauseum, I thought I'd talk about musical theatre tonight, for a change.

Of course, the big Broadway news this year is the on-again-off-again-on-again Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, directed by The Lion King director, Julie Taymor, with music and lyrics by U2's Bono and The Edge.

With production costs estimated to be well over $100M, SM:TOD will have to run for thirty years before it sees a profit. My friend Michael thinks this is a brilliant idea for a show and can't wait to see it. I think it's the dumbest concept for a musical since Carrie White (and we all know how well that turned out - poor Betty Buckley had to play a man in her next show to wash the stink off of her career). Now I love Taymor (especially her films) and I used to love U2, but I just don't see this working, especially after seeing this clip of Taymor's, Bono's and the Edge's recent appearance on "Good Morning America:"

Pop-up book sets? And what the hell is "Swiss Miss?" You can't tell me that Stan Lee actually approved that ridiculous costume. And here's Reeve Carney (Peter Parker/Spider-Man) singing one of the show's songs, "Boy Falls From the Sky:"

Not exactly something you'll be humming on your way out of the theatre, is it? 

But never fear. News from i09 is on the way to save the day... or is it? The Sci-Fi maniacs are reporting that Spidey will have some mammoth competition when the musical King Kong - Live On Stage opens in 2013. Construction on the animatronic ape is already underway in Australia, courtesy of the folks who brought us Walking with Dinosaurs. No word on who'll be starring yet, but you can bet they won't be monkeying around with this one (sorry - couldn't help myself).

Finally (via) out of Germany comes Hope! The Musical. A musical biography of our 44th President, Hope! The Musical is the story of the meteoric rise of Barack Huessin Obama, his wife Michelle and his rivals: Hillary Clinton, John McCain and Sarah Palin. The show is apparently huge in Europe and plans are underway for a US tour. Sung in English and German, the clip below looks to me like a combination of Hair, Rent, and Stomp as produced by Simon Cowell and the DNC:

Honestly, with shows like this in our future, I'm almost glad I stopped doing musicals a while back. 

More, anon.

Prospero

Turn That Crap Off!

Just for the record, I usually adore the work of director Julie Taymor. The Lion King was a huge Broadway hit simply because of her inventive use of puppets in bringing Disney's animated musical version of Hamlet to the live stage.

And her films are usually wonderful. Titus, her satirical take on Shakespeare's ridiculous Roman tragedy is simply brilliant and hilarious. Then there's Frida, the biopic of Mexican artist Frida Kahlo, starring Selma Hyack. And the outrageous, Beatles-inspired Across the Universe, a psychadelic story of a musician in the 60's. All of them are visually striking and interesting films.

But, when word came out late last year that Taymor and U2's Bono and The Edge were collaborating on a stage musical based on the Marvel Comics superstar superhero Spider-Man, I could barely contain my instant hatred of the idea. To date, there have only really been two successful comics-inspired musicals: Annie and L'il Abner, both of which are just atrocious. There was also a terrible Superman musical, It's a Bird.. It's a Plane... It's Superman, which was adapted by ABC into an atrocious TV movie in 1975., starring Leslie Ann Warren as Lois Lane.

Anyway, the Broadway version of Spider-Man (Entitled Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark) was supposed to star Universe star Rachel Evan Wood as Mary Jane and Titus/X2 star Alan Cumming as the Green Goblin. It was reportedly budgeted at... are you ready?... Really?... Because it's just ridiculous... $45 Million! Yes, you read that correctly. Forty-five million U.S. Dollars. That meant that the show would have to sell every seat in the Hilton Theatre for five years, just to break even!

Now sadly, in recent years Broadway has fallen into a Hollywood trap (I blame The Phantom of the Opera and Taymor's Lion King) of over-bloated spectacles in the likes of Mary Poppins, Wicked and Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang.

Upon news of this ridiculous idea, I immediately went insane. I mean, honestly, what the frig were all parties involved thinking? There was no way in hell that this was a good idea. And apparently, the backers think so too. According to both Variety and the New York Post, production has been halted on the extravaganza due to lack of funding. And all I can say is "Thank goodness common sense has prevailed."

Maybe now Taymor can concentrate on her film adaptation of Shakespeare's The Tempest, which I hope you are all wise enough to know is the play which inspired both my signature and this blog's title.

More, anon.

Prospero