Turkey Thursday on Saturday: Shark Bait

Seriously?

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is this coming Thursday and I've only done one Turkey of the Week post. I'm blaming Sandy, which screwed things up for so many of us in the Central Atlantic states these past few weeks. Thankfully, Uncle P received an unexpectedly expedient (say that 3 times, fast) check from my homeowner's insurance and I was able to start restocking my empty fridge and freezers today with the largest grocery order I've purchased in a very long time. I know there are folks within driving distance who don't even have a fridge to fill, so I am exceptionally grateful that I do. I urge you to continue to provide support to the American Red Cross and other local charities who are helping those most in need. Food, baby formula and warm clothing are still desperately needed by thousands affected by the storm.

Now I'll hope you'll allow me a moment or two of levity. Last night, Uncle P posted about my personal Top Ten Spielberg films, among them: Jaws. Universal made three sequels to Jaws, none of which included Spielberg and each of which is more ridiculous than the one before. Jaws II was okay at best, while Jaws 3D was just plain silly, despite the presence of the hotness known as Dennis Quaid as the adult Micheal Brody. Most egregious of all, 1987's Jaws: The Revenge delves very deep into the waters of ridiculousness, appearing on more "Worst Movie Ever Made" lists than anything directed by Ed Wood, Jr.

Convinced that her husband's fatal heart-attack was prompted by his fear of sharks, Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary) knows that the shark which quickly kills her son Sean has a personal vendetta against her family and flies Micheal (now played by the decidedly less-hot Lance Guest) and his family to the Bahamas in an attempt to escape it (though why she doesn't go somewhere land-locked like Kansas, remains a mystery). Pilot 'Hoagie' ( Oscar winner Michael Caine) and his pal Jake (Mario Van Peebles) also happen to be marine biologists (?) who decide to track the shark (which has apparently followed Ellen from NY to the Bahamas) with a device that monitors its heartbeat. Ellen has flashbacks to events she didn't witness, while experiencing some sort of psychic connection to the shark that wants to eat her family because her husband killed it's brother or father or something. Eventually, Ellen decides to sacrifice herself to the shark to save Michael and his family, but Hoagie and Jake save her by impaling the Great White on the prow of the their boat, after driving it crazy with electrical impulses from the device they attached to its heart. What? Yes. That's really what happens in this epic PoS sequel to one of the best movies ever made. Most of those involved in the making of Jaws: The Revenge disavow it as the garbage it is. In full disclosure, Gary was married to the head of Universal at the time. I hope she has divorced him, since.

Here's what the late Gene Siskel and the now-silent Roger Ebert had to say about the movie upon its release:

More, anon.
Prospero

Turkey Month Turkey of the Month: "Lady in the Water"

Happy Thanksgiving to all my U.S readers and those Americans scattered about the globe. Thanksgiving in the U.S. is all about the turkey, which is why November is 'Turkey Month 'here at Caliban's Revenge.

And what a turkey I have for you tonight. Philadelphia-based  writer/director M. Night Shyamalan made a name for himself with 1999's The Sixth Sense, starring Bruce Willis and a young Haley Joel Osment as the boy who could "...see dead people." His follow-up film Unbreakable (also starring Willis) was a pretentious mess about a "real-life" superhero (Willis) and his brittle-boned nemesis (Samuel L. Jackson in a ridiculous wig). 2002's Signs, about an unlikely alien invasion some major plot issues (Why would aliens who were deathly allergic to water try to invade a planet that is 90% water? They can travel billions of light-years, but can't figure out how to operate a doorknob?), but it featured some lovely low-key acting from its stars Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix. Then came 2004's The Village, a movie I actively stood up and booed after it was over. I swore I'd never see a Shyama-lama-ding-dong film again.

Then came 2006's Lady in the Water, filmed not less than two miles from Uncle P's house on the grounds of a former 3M plant. I would drive by and watch the set go up and then later come down, all the while curious as to whether or not I would hate this movie, too. When it finally hit theaters, the reviews were... well, terrible. I waited until it came out on DVD and rented it. And was sorry I did.

Lady in the Water stars Paul Giamatti as Cleveland Heep, an apartment complex maintenance man who discovers Story (Bryce Dallas Howard), a creature from the 'Blue World' called a  'Narf,' in the complex's pool. The almost incoherent plot revolves around Story's efforts to find and encourage a writer (Shyamalon) who is destined to write a book  that will change the world. Story is also being pursued by werewolf-like monsters called 'Scrunts,' who want to stop her, even though they've been forbidden the Blue World's simian leaders, 'The Tartutic.' After she completes her mission, Story is whisked home by a giant eagle-creature called 'The Great Eatlon.' Huh?

Supposedly based on a story Ding-dong made up for his own daughters, the convoluted plot involves cereal boxes, suppressed grief and a whole bunch of crap that makes no sense at all. Sadly, Jeffrey Wright; Bob Balaban; Mary Beth Hurt; Bill Irwin; Tovah Feldshuh and Freddy Rodriguez (all actors who deserve better) are tenants who figure into the nonsensical mythology Shyamalan tries to create. 

I watched this movie three times, falling asleep before it was over twice. When I finally made it through the whole thing, I still had no idea what the hell was going on. Of course, even this piece of crap movie didn;t stop Hollywood producers from throwing money at Shyamalon and he went on to make the Universally panned The Happening (about killer trees) and the video game-based The Last Airbender (also hated by every critic who had to sit through it).I have seen neither of these movies, nor do I intend to. I simply refuse to put another dollar in the man's pocket.

I'm not one to wish ill on anyone, but I really hope that producers have finally learned their lesson and never let M.Night Shyamalan make another movie as long he lives.

More, anon.
Prospero

My Last Saturday Evening Post

Well, almost. It's my last Caliban's Revenge Saturday Post.

Yes, your Mad Uncle Prospero has started a new weekly blog, Prospero's Zombie Zone. One guess as to what it's about.

Now, that doesn't mean I will stop talking about you-know-whats here in Cali's Revenge. I just may save most of it for the Z-Zone. It will only be once a week, so rest assured dear readers (all 16 of you), I will be posting here 6 nights a week (give or take - you know what happens when I'm working on a show).

I must admit that I do like the format I chose for the new blog, and will probably be changing Caliban's Revenge a bit, soon. It's looked the same for a long time and its due for a facelift. I'll let you know they're coming before I make any drastic changes here.

And how about that Saturday Evening Post cover? Who knew Rockwell could be so homoerotic?

Anyway, head over to the Z-Zone if you get a sec (and especially if you love the Zs as much as the stupid people on V love the Vs).

Man, that last parenthetical was exceptionally lame, wasn't it? I should delete it. Nah, I've written worse...

Oh, and I've decided that since November and Thanksgiving always mean turkey, I'm going to make November Caliban's Revenge's Official Bad Movie Month, in which we can revel shamelessly in the delirious joy of bad film making.

So here's another little appetizer until the Big Bad Movie Spectacular on Turkey Day , itself. (damn, now I have to live up to that claim come Thursday). Anyway - enjoy (with every ounce of sarcasm I can muster on keyboard) this:

Bad, bad movie! No! Not on the carpet!

More, anon.
Prospero