I've Always Suspected as Much

It's Girl Scout Cookie Season. Uncle P's downfall are the Peanut Butter Sandwiches. I don't care for the multi-flavored Samoas or the gag-inducing Thin Mints (typing those words was a major hurdle for me - mint and chocolate should NEVER be paired together. The very thought of Andes Candies or York Peppermint Patties can actually send me into a paroxysm of dry-heaving). You honestly have no idea how long I had to hold my breath to link to pictures of those disgustingly sweet confections.

I ran some errands today and was confronted by a table of Girl Scout Cookies manned by the most adorable moppets I have ever seen, set up in front of my local liquor store. I broke down and bought a box of my favorites and a box of Shortbreads for my mother. Of course, each year the box and the cookies get smaller while the price goes up. I can't really fault the GSA for this. Unlike the BSA, the GSA has proven to be an inclusive and welcoming group, allowing female-identifying boys to join and having no policy which excludes LGBT members or leaders. While cookie sales far outweigh membership dues in funding the GSA, they only make about 40 cents per box, just about ten percent. That seems both unfair and exploitative to me.

But this post isn't about the GSA. No. It's about a far more-insidious girl-centric topic: Unicorns. I get it. I think. Girls love ponies, horses and unicorns. I'm not sure what they fully represent or mean to them, not being a girl, myself. I imagine most girls think of unicorns like this:

Tom Cruise was so pretty before he lost his mind, no?

Anyway, I have come to suspect that unicorns aren't really quite as magical and beautiful as girls think they are, especially given this bizarre YouTube series featuring a rather jaded unicorn named Charlie:

But I fear the truth is far more insidious.Via comes this extremely disturbing (yet somehow hilarious) video about the true nature of the Lisa Frank staple (language may be NSFW):

I knew it! Unicorns are merely the tools of homophobic Nazis and gay-bashing, gun-loving nutjobs  who think the Gov'mint is out to git 'em by suppressing their rights to own assault weapons which serve to enhance their ridiculously small penises. It all makes so much sense now!

More, anon.

Prospero

The Gayest Nonsense You'll See This Week

Most of tonight's post is made up of last night's (far from sloppy) left-overs. I say "most," because I did find one of the items below this afternoon.

And before any of y'all get up in my face, I know that's a ROYGBIV rainbow in the picture of Pegasus, but when I Googled 'gay rainbow unicorn' and found what is literally the antithesis of that phrase, I couldn't not use it. Oh irony, how you mock me. Or something.

Then again, I suppose the rather phallic (not to mention psychedelic) mushrooms do push the whole thing from 'mythological' to 'gay.' By the way, what does a gay Pegasus eat? Haaaa-aaay! I'm here all week. Try the veal and tip your servers.

Anyway, I posted about the rainbow dude the other day and I guess I was right on the cusp of a meme, because yesterday I found a clip that makes the single best use of of AutoTune, ever:

Genius! I'd really love to meet the Rainbow Guy. I mean, how many of us can honestly say we have something that brings us that much insane joy?

And speaking of insane, the ever-expanding Cheezeburger network is holding a contest on Failblog. An Evil-You-Know-What contest that they're calling the ClownFail Contest. I would post an image, but I love too many coulrophobes to do that... Brave souls like you and I who find creepy clowns to be supercalifragilcalilisticexpialidociously fun, check out the gallery and vote for your favorite EYKW. New photos are added daily.

Did someone say "creepy photos?" What? Oh, my mistake. Yes, "Pathetic Celebutard Court Video" is very different. The Cult of Celebrity is nothing if not bizarre. We elevate people based on the slimmest of merits, then watch like rabid hyenas as they fall, drooling to tear them apart. I know I've taken plenty of potshots as 'Lilo,' here. I try to stay away from the celebrity gossip, mostly because I despise bloggers like Perez Hilton, who make their money exploiting rumors, innuendo and altered photos. But the once adorable and truly promising child star that was Lindsay Lohan has become a bigger train wreck than Britney and Paris combined. All the stupid bitch needs is a sex tape and she'll win the title... No... I know. Lilo needs a Sassy Gay Friend to pull her from the depths of despair. Honestly, I must admit to a certain sense of schadenfreude when I saw the video of her sentencing; and based on the comments on several websites that carried it (the majority of which were: "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!"), so did many millions of others. Still, I can't help be saddened to see another promising young talent throw it all away.

And finally, tonight over at Towleroad, I found this rather amusing clip of gay blogger and reporter Jesse Archer and his visit to Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want to be Girls in celebration of the release of Miss Vera's book of the same name:

Don't forget, tomorrow is a special 2nd Anniversary Edition of Caliban's Revenge, featuring an updated version of my first ever movie post and a few bonus surprises...

More, anon
Prospero

Cannibalism and The Gayest Thing You'll Ever See?

Your Uncle P is not exactly a young man. I've been some very interesting places and I've seen some very interesting things and met some very interesting people. And I've been some really, really gay places and met some really, really gay people and seen some really, really gay things. But in all my years; in all the places I've been; of all the people I've met and all the things I've seen, the image to your right is undoubtedly the single gayest image you and I will ever see.* Think about it.

Here's this half-naked muscle cub, sneering at us in a see-through plastic and feather unicorn costume. Perhaps (like the title character in in Virginia Woolf's Orlando or Gregor Samsa), Lisa Frank woke up one morning to find herself transformed into the 33 year-old art director of a gay greeting card company. Most likely, there are just some really odd folks out there, gay and straight - and any and everything in-between - who churn out all sorts of fetish-related images. Though how someone knows there is such a fetish as gay unicorn housekeepers, is beyond my ken.

I found the image at HomoShame, of course.

And now on to the promised Cannibalism, shall we? Well, that may be a bit of a Weekly World News kind of tease, because this is really a story posted all over (but I saw it first here), about a typo in a cook book in Australia, in which one recipe listed "salt and freshly ground black people" as ingredients. The publisher recalled existing stock and offered replacement copies, but no one took them up on the offer (I know I sure wouldn't).

Now, before I say what I have to say about this incident, trust me when I tell you no one is more committed to equality for everyone, everywhere, than I am. But if you are so sensitive that an obvious typo (which appears only once among dozens of recipes in which "pepper" is spelled correctly) rattles your chains, you need to get a life. People in Islamic countries are being executed for being gay (that, and for witchcraft). Millions die every day from AIDS, while millions more are infected, every day. True suffering and oppression is all around us, and you have nothing better to do than complain about a typo in a cookbook which only sold 5000 copies? I hate whoever made this an issue, and you should, too. If you can't laugh at something like this, you're taking life way too seriously. Might I suggest celebrating tomorrow's date in the traditional manner? You'll feel ever so much better.

And if that doesn't work, then here's a trailer for a movie which will no doubt foment anti-science creationists while exciting Sci-Fi nerds all over; the Adrien Brody, Sarah Polley monster flick, Splice:

No idea what that has to do with anything else here, tonight, but I've been reading about this movie for a while and am excited to see that it finally has a release date.

More, anon.
Prospero

*In case you're wondering, str8t readers, this image is actually way gayer than gay pron, because half those boys are gay4pay with habits... er, uh... I mean... uh, families to support. It's even gayer, in fact, than my friend Doug's twirling (and trust me, that's pretty damned gay).

The Weirdest Thing You'll See This Week

My dear friend and co-worker Mia sent me the below video, knowing I would love it like a son.

My response to her was "I want some of whatever this guy is smoking." Of course, it would have been so much better if she had sent it to me at 4:20, but hey...

Anyway, the video is bizarre, surreal and somehow still hilarious while taking on one of the most infamous urban legends of all time.

I know that Mia and Uncle P will be calling each other "Charlie" for many weeks to come, while our co-workers look at us, scratching their heads and asking themselves "What the hell is up with those two, anyway?" And we'll laugh all that much more, knowing we have confounded them once again.

Meanwhile, we'll just chuckle at our inside joke and hope that no gay stoner unicorns insist we accompany them to Candy Mountain. My organs are NOT for sale, thank you!



More nonsense, anon.
Prospero