Extended Winter Blahs

No Sh*t, Sherlock!

Normally, I despise Winter. And while this winter seems to want to hang on well past its welcome (an Ohio prosecutor has actually - though  satirically - indicted Punxatawny Phil, demanding the death penalty for Phil's 'deliberate misrepresentation of early spring'); there are a few things that made it more bearable than most (and one or two that made it a little worse). 

Let's start with what extra-sucked about this winter, so I can end on a high note, yes? First, though I deliberately chose to take most of this season off, I have done nothing theatrical since last June and have nothing lined up until October. Yes, I could use a break to concentrate on other artistic endeavors (and two dormant projects are well on their ways to revival and possible full fruition) but I still find myself jealous of my many of my friends who are (or have been) in some terrific shows, lately. And I worry that I'll get lazy and forget everything I've spent most of my life learning about acting and directing. I know it sounds silly, but the theatre folk among you know exactly what I mean. Of course, my mother's recent health issues and my increased involvement in her care have taken their toll. And I miss the Sun. We've had more gray days here in the East these past few months than I can remember. And as much as I hated spending 5 days without power and heat following Sandy, I know there are folks who had (and still have) it much worse than I.

Still, there were several things that kept this winter from being a complete disaster. First, I doubled up on my vitamin D supplement starting in late September and I can honestly say that it's made a difference. And as for those revived projects; I am very excited to see them in the hands of new collaborators, both of whom are very talented young men I am pleased to call 'Friend.'

Of course, the best thing that happened to Uncle P in a very long time was meeting T.  Being found both interesting and attractive does wonders for one's self-esteem. Last summer, I was telling friends I had given up on romance and had resigned myself to living a life of solitude. I don't know if it was the extra vitamin D or something else, but after Christmas I decided I wasn't going to settle for that and joined a few online dating sites. And along came T. And hope. T and I are still very new (and live an hour apart from one another) and I have no idea where it might lead (if anywhere), but it's nice to know I'm not done with romance, even if I'm older than dirt.

Now if it would only get warm and sunny already.

How does a movie so bad have such a great soundtrack? At least Peter Frampton was still adorable, though Aerosmith has the best number:

More, anon.
Prospero

Holiday Ennui

Thanksgiving at the Romneys'

I'm not sure what's going on this year, but with Thanksgiving just a few days away, I'm just not feeling it. I don't know if it was Sandy or my recent trip to L.A. or the fact that I'm getting older, but I have absolutely no Holiday Spirit whatsoever. Maybe it's because there is no one particular someone in my life. Maybe because I haven't done any theatre for nearly five months. Maybe it's a combination of things. 

I have all the stuff. I bought the turkey (breast) and the cranberry sauce; the stuffing ingredients and the side dishes; the wine and everything else that goes into the caloric overload. The dishwasher is practically empty and the linens are all cleaned and ready to go.

Still, I seem to have absolutely no desire to celebrate. Ad yes, I am thankful for many things. Mom is still with us. I have an amazing sister and brother-in-law. My favorite aunt is cranky, but relatively well. I have a well-paying job with an outstanding company. I have several very dear friends without whom I couldn't imagine my life. I get to travel often and just saw an exceptionally awesome production from a company I absolutely adore. I have an audition coming up for a show I really want to be part of and I have a long weekend ahead of me. So what's the problem? I wish I knew.

Sorry to be such a downer, tonight. This week is the start of the End of Year Holidays. I'm looking forward to seeing lots of movies and spending time with people I love. Still... something is... not quite right.

It must be my Seasonal Affective Disorder kicking in, despite the extra Vitamin D I've been taking. Ignore this post. We'll talk again in March.

Ugh! Such a downer. I'm sorry. Maybe I'll feel better after the weekend.

More, anon.
Prospero

Fighting It...

If you've been reading Caliban's Revenge for a while, you know that Uncle P suffers from occasional bouts of depression. I'm not afraid or embarrassed to admit this. In fact, I hope that doing so might help others who suffer in the same way.

My worst struggle with the disease came about in 1996, while directing a production of Romeo and Juliet. I won't go into detail, though I will say that seeking the help of a therapist was the best thing I ever did for myself. My therapist gave me tools to cope and introduced me to a group of men whose circumstances were very similar to my own and after about a year, I was able to move on. 

Out of that group, I remained friends with one of the sweetest people I've ever known, my dear friend Bill. Bill and I would meet for dinner, attend to movies and just hang out. Eventually, we lost touch. But thanks to Facebook, Bill and I reconnected a few years ago and struck up our friendship, anew. 

We left snarky comments on each other's walls and he came to see my shows and supported the JTMF. In March of this year, Bill emailed me that he had bought tickets to see Hairspray and was looking forward to the show. Then I didn't hear from him for a while. I went to his Facebook page and posted something to the effect of "Where have you been? I miss your snide comments." It was only after I posted that I read some of the things other people had posted on Bill's page: "I miss you so much!" "I pray you are at peace." "I can't believe you're gone!" What?!? It turned out that Bill had died a few weeks earlier of a heart attack, while brushing his teeth before work. I was devastated, to say the least. Bill was three years younger and in much better shape than me.

A few months later, a fairly new friend and exceptionally talented painter (who had donated a rather beautiful painting to the JTMF silent auction the previous year), also passed away from an unexpected heart attack. Ed was five years younger than me.

Last weekend, while in Miami for the day job, I learned that the young man who'd been cutting my lawn since he was teenager, passed away at the age of 34. Granted, Luke had been in and out of rehab several times in past ten years; had been ill enough to be placed in a medically-induced coma earlier this year and had recently ballooned to twice my size thanks to the medications on which he'd been placed. Still, 34 is far too young... The tox results are still pending, though his family suspects a blood clot in his leg may have moved into his heart. His mother and brother found him that morning, at first thinking he had fallen asleep in front of the TV.

I don't think after all this, the fact that I am contemplating my own mortality should be any surprise. It has also been almost three months since I've done any theatre (the one thing that actually makes me feel whole) and almost as long since I've spent any quality time with the friends who are always there for me. Combine all that with money being particularly tight and the lack of a truly fulfilling intimate relationship... Well, you can imagine how I've been feeling these past few weeks.

I know... all this means nothing, especially when each event is taken on an individual basis.But I still can't help but feel a bit disturbed.

What I need are hugs from my besties, a show to distract me and the attentions of someone who can see past all my nonsense. Of course, a date with Jon Hamm or Jason Statham would do wonders...

Oddly, it's lesbian singer/songwriter Melissa Etheridge who gets how I'm feeling right now...

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for "listening." I'm fighting this with every tool I have at my disposal (though I may up my daily vitamin D dosage) but it's not easy. Letting it all out here helps, a bit. And don't worry - I'm not planning on going anywhere, soon.

More, anon.
Prospero

F**k You, Very Much

I've been feeling a bit down of late. The show closing has a bit to do with it, but there are other factors (which I won't go into right now) that have me a little more than blue. Truth be told, I've been battling depression most of my adult life. Luckily, I've usually been able to work through it without the use of medication (though occasionally therapy helps a lot). As I am sure you have been able to tell from my most recent posts, it's been creeping back up on me.

Anyway, here's something I meant to post a while ago, but didn't for some reason. I was looking for something less maudlin to write about and went into my files and found this music video from "The Big Gay Collab" that cheered me up a bit. My sister will hate it (she won't watch movies with swearing -go figure), but the rest of you may enjoy it quite a bit. It's probably NSFW, but I don't particularly care...

Oh, and at least this did not happen to me, today.

More, anon
Prospero