I have not seen the latest Disney musical Frozen. I have heard the songs and the parodies of the songs and I think I have a basic understanding of it's plot. And while I love Idina Menzel and the fact that Disney is still able to produce quality films in the digital age... enough, already!
If like Uncle P, you live along the PA/NJ/NY portion of the infamous I-95 Corridor, then you know exactly what I am talking about. For the past hour, snow has been falling as part of the fourth major snow storm here in as many weeks. Some models project as much as 20 or more inches for the region. Snow here has passed beyond 'magical' and 'beautiful' and long moved on to "I F*CKING HATE WINTER!!" Of course, it was weather like this which prompted my Sister and the BIL to move to Florida (a state mostly populated by retirees, lunatics, meth-heads and cannibal face-eaters).
The days are slowly but surely getting longer and I go off of middle shift at the end of this month, which means I'll be going home during daylight once again. Both of these things give me hope, though I still remember the blizzard of March, 1996 and the multiple ice storms of 1998. I was then, as now, convinced winter would never end. I did then and still do, know better. This too, shall pass. Spring will arrive and summer in the Delaware Valley will be excruciatingly humid and we'll all be bitching about that, come mid-July. Still... Taos looks better and better with each passing storm...
If you are trapped in your house today, take some time to enjoy these hilariously (if only slightly) related videos:
This was just last week:
And just to make you feel a little better about this seemingly endless winter, the boys from MST3K have it covered:
Feeling a little warmer already...
More, anon.
Prospero
UPDATE: Uncle P has just learned that the Day Job is closed today! Woo-hoo! Sleeping in!
Since Turkey Month starts on a Friday, I thought I'd start with a bonus Turkey! I mean, why the hell not? And it's time I started getting back to what serves as 'normal' for me, anyway. (Did I hear somebody say "...Abbie something..." or did someone slip me a tab of Windowpane). What?
Forget that you read that. And don't share it. I don't want any filthy hippies reading this.
What?
Oh, you're right. I DO want filthy hippies to read me. I want everyone weird and wonderful to read me. Hippies; stoners; cinephiles; horror fans; theatre geeks; MST3K fans; bad movie fans; playwrights; screenwriters; actors; directors; LGBTQ people; free and forward thinking people; loving people; kind people; ecologically aware people... the list goes on and on. In fact, it might be easier to write a list of those I really don't want to read me. It's much shorter: Asshats; haters; bigots; bullies; religious nut-jobs; old Mormons; old Catholics; Neo-Nazis; Orson Scott Card and associates; people without a sense of humor and anyone remotely associated with a 'reality' TV show. That's it. So if you don't fall into one of the categories on the shorter list, please read on. Though, on second thought, those on the short list just might learn a thing or two... Oh, who am I kidding?
Sorry. Rant over. Let's get to this week's Turkey, then.
I have briefly mentioned this movie back in 2008, calling it My Favorite MST3K Episode. But it's crapulence was evident to me even as a child... 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martianscould very well serve as a monument to truly terrible kids' movies. What makes this movie especially delicious to Turkey connoisseurs is that it marks the first film appearance by future Golden Globe "winner" and future spousal abuser, Pia Zadora, as the Martian child Girmar.
So here's the plot: The Martians have been monitoring TV signals from Earth and have become jealous that there is no Santa Claus on Mars to give toys to the Martian children. The obvious solution? Kidnap Santa, of course. Meanwhile, two American brats on their way to meet Santa (I forget and don't care why) get wind of the plot and stow-away on the Martians' flying saucer. They and Santa are forced to make toys for Martian kids, but the machines breakdown or something and then the really stupid alien (i.e. most child-like) becomes the Martian Santa and the kids and the real Santa get home just in time to deliver toys on Christmas Eve.
Terribly written, horribly acted and ineptly directed by Nicholas Webster (best known for his TV work in the 60's and 70's), Santa Claus Conquers... has become a high-camp classic, skewered beautifully by the folks at MST3K and even more fun with a group of smart, quick-witted friends. The production values practically scream "CHEAP!!!" and the acting is more painful than a root-canal without Novocaine. If you love bad movies and have never seen it, make it a point to do so. If you love bad movies and you have seen it, then you know exactly why it's such a wonderfully awful thing. And honestly, it's nice to see Ms Zadora as an innocent, before she married a rich old coot who bought her a Golden Globe (in a category which no longer exists) or a beater of her later, younger new husband. And don't be surprised to see her pop up at least once more this month (anyone remember Butterfly, 18 years later? Poor, poor Orson... ).
Here are both the trailer and highlights from the MST3K version:
Dig that groovy soundtrack, Baby!
"Pills for breakfast? Who are we, Judy Garland?" Man, I miss this show so very much!
Well, that's better! I can see the inklings of my old self coming back. And it feels nice. Hope I got a smile out of you, too (I know a certain someone in Chicago enjoyed this post, at the very least - he knows who he is).
Nope, LEGO versions of Joel and the Bots just don't do it. Over its 10 year run on Comedy Central and Sci-Fi (long before it was SyFy), "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" entertained me and my friends with some of the snarkiest, silliest most outrageous and often very obscure comedic references ever.
The premise revolved around an ordinary human (Joel Hodgson and later, Mike Nelson) trapped aboard a space station with four robots (Cambot; Gypsy; Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot) who is forced to watch bad movies as part of an evil experiment. Joel, Mike, Tom and Crow would then spend the next two hours making fun of the movie (and sometimes shorts) they were watching with more-often-than-not hilarious results. If you are a fan, you know how brilliant the show could be. If you aren't familiar, go to YouTube (after you finish reading this post) and watch it!
I know I've blogged about this show before, but the lunatics at Io9 recently posted "The 15 Most Disturbing Host MST3K Segments" and it got me nostalgic for both the 90's and the show.
Here are just a few of my favorite clips, bits, movies and segments:
And here's a fan-made MST version of Twilight:
While the idea lives on at RiffTrax and the gang occasionally does live events broadcast to movie theaters nationwide, it's just not the same. Someone bring this show back, please!
I imagine this is how most babies and toddlers see Santa
So here we are, as of this writing, 36 minutes into December 22nd and as
every rational human being knew, nothing happened. Of course it is
inevitable that many people died today, making it the end of the world
for them. But if you are reading this, then congratulations! You have
survived the Nonpocalypse. Again.
I keep wondering if there will ever be
a time when everyone realizes "You know what? There probably really
isn't any truth in the vestigial, superstitious beliefs of our mostly science-less ancestors." Probably not. Nonetheless...
Many years ago, I played Santa at the department store where I was a manager (talk about a smooth segue). As the actor on staff, many such jobs fell to me. No pictures or throne or anything like that. I just walked around the store and gave out candy canes and talked to kids briefly. A quick tour of the store and I was done for a couple hours. One afternoon a young mother called to me, "Santa! Please come say hello!" I looked over to see a sleeping baby in a stroller and thought, 'Oh, please save us from screaming.' But the mother looked like she really wanted me to, so I headed over.
"Are you sure?" I asked her.
"No, I promise, he loves Santa."
"Okay, but let me get down so I'm not towering over him." So I squatted down (those were the days when my knees still worked well enough to squat) and smiled.
"Sean," Mom called. "Sean, wake up! Look who's here!"
The baby Sean, certainly less than a year old, roused and opened his eyes and looked around and then landed on me. 'Here it comes!' I thought. The baby Sean opened his mouth in surprise... and started to smile... and smile... the single most beatific baby smile I have ever seen in my life. That moment... that amazing smile... that was Christmas. Twenty-five years later and that moment always comes to mind when I most need some Holiday Spirit.
Of course, it took this post about about nightmarish Christmas things to get me there. All this Apocalypse nonsense; that dreadful business in CT (not to mention the idiocy of the NRA's response) and the seeming interminable week before the holiday vacation had me cranky today, and when BoingBoing shared some strange Christmas videos, I had to talk about them and find a few more. And even though I had a very nice evening tonight, I still wanted to share some weirdness.
This first goodie is called Santa in Animal Land and features a goose (?), cat, dog and frog (?) who are sad that there is no Animal Santa, so the goose (duck?) and the cat head off to find the most horrifying Santa in Puppetland. PeeWee would probably not approve:
I really have nothing else funny or snarky to say about that truly horrifying piece. It's evil speaks for itself.
This next treasure is a short from Castle Films, which I'm guessing is from around the late 30's or early 40's. Merry Christmas isn't overtly nightmarish (well, not most of it) as much as it cries out for the MST3K treatment:
Joel and his bots did take on a Castle short, which while having nothing to do with Christmas, is certainly nightmarish (not to mention probably the funniest short they've ever done, which was paired with one of the funniest features they ever did). If you've seen Here Comes the Circus before, you know you can't wait to watch it again. If you're seeing for the first time, enjoy. If you are Dear D (i.e. coulrophobic) DON'T watch it at all:
This next (also via) drek-tacular nightmare apparently got the Riff-Trax (sort of the Son of MST3K) treatment, but is certainly hilarious and weird and nightmarish all on its own. And it isn't just the sub-amateur acting, mid-century suburban locations, crappy stock footage and terrible camera work. There's actually something very 'Funny Uncle' about the whole thing. Both the Narrator and Santa even sound like child-molesters. Honestly, Ed Wood made better movies. Here's 1963's A Visit to Santa:
"Every doll must have a head. And also, a body!" Was this thing written by a young Thomas Harris? Then there's this gem: "For little girls, a doll is fun to warsh and dress and spank!" My head nearly exploded from that single line alone. Only to be followed by this: "How Ann enjoy these pretty dolls and Dick...(inappropriate and ill-placed pause)... shows no delight." And then even more incoherence: "She'll cook and scrub the whole day long and serve a TV dinner." What? WHAT!?!? TV dinners? What the hell was she cooking all day, Soylent Green? Oh, and the reason for Christmas? "...to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, hundreds of years ago." The underlining is mine. But I suppose that Santa is correct. I mean if the Earth is only 4,000 years old, then Jesus must have lived in 1763 or something. Right? In fact, he gave George Washington a ride across the Delaware on the back of his stegosaurus.*
There, that's better. Tonight saw a lovely dinner with some very dear friends, followed by a fond Christmas memory and some creepy holiday nonsense. Why wouldn't I feel better? Well, the citrus vodka spritzers I had while writing this post didn't hurt.
I am off from the Day Job for the next ten days and am looking forward to sleeping in, spending time with most of the people I love most in the world and maybe venturing out for a day trip or two. I have many gifts to wrap (and just a few left to get) and lots of cleaning to do in the next few days, but that's okay. I'm finally actually looking forward to my very secular version of Christmas, in which I choose to celebrate those I love with gifts, food, laughter and good times.
And that is Christmas, too.
More, anon.
Prospero
*Art challenge. Submit your artistic interpretation of Jesus giving
Washington a ride across the Delaware on a stegosaurus (or any dinosaur)
and the best entry will win a piece of show biz memorabilia.
By this time, the majority of my U.S. readers have either slipped into food comas from their Thanksgiving meals, or they're camping out in front of Best Buy waiting for Black Friday bargains at 5:00 AM. And here I sit, writing about a very bad movie.
At some point, I suppose one has to start feeling badly for Joan Crawford. I mean, here was a woman who, in the 30's, 40's and 50's was about as A-List as they came. By the late 60's, she was an alcoholic has-been, taking whatever work she could find. Her last film, the 1970 British Science Fiction stinker Trog, is a prime example of how low the mighty can fall. Crawford plays Dr. Brockton, an anthropologist with no first name. When an associate returns from a cave exploration with a tale of terror, Joanie puts on her gear and goes spelunking. She discovers a still-living troglodyte (which she imaginatively names "Trog") and brings him home in attempt to study and domesticate the beast, though local businessman Micheal Gough (best known to US audiences as Alfred in Tim Burton's Batman films) objects when she plans to breed Trog. Wearing makeup rejected by The Planet of the Apes team, Trog is set free by Gough (who I suppose wants to prove a point, though what point that might be is never made clear) and the "half-man/half-ape" goes on a murderous rampage. Truly atrocious special effects, a dull and exceptionally stupid plot and some of the worst acting anyone has ever seen all help make Trog a true turkey. Critic Ned Daigle said: "Trog is truly ungodly. The performances are rotten, the Trog
makeup is so bad it looks, at times, like it will slide right off the
actor's face, and everything proceeds at a snail's pace to idiotic
situations. It's really sad to see such a huge star be
consigned to the Z-grade abyss of films like this. But, hey, a girl's
gotta eat." He wasn't very far off the mark.
I suspect that if "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" had gone on to an 8th season, they might have gotten to Trog. The closest they got was 1962's equally stupidly titled Eegah which starred Richard Kiel in the title role of a caveman who goes on a rampage in Palm Springs.
Oh, how I miss that show!
I hope all my U.S. readers and friends had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
I know I've briefly mentioned a movie that absolutely freaked out my sister, to the point where even the humming of it's sappy 70's theme song "It's Incredible," sung by Bobby Doyle, would drive her screaming from the room. I believe she was maybe five when we saw this movie at a drive-in with our parents. I have no idea what the other picture was. I certainly remember thinking it was bad, even then. Of course, ten years later I learned to appreciate its stank in a completely different way.
And since I'm on a Bad Movie jag, I ran across the trailer for The Incredible 2 Headed Transplantand thought I'd talk about it a bit, which I will in a sec - because as I started thinking about this movie, I realized there are lots and lots of bad Head movies - some of them are about multi-headed horrors, many of them are about detached heads, kept alive through the science of a mad genius and still some of them are beyond description.
The Incredible 2 Headed Transplant (or TI2HT as it shall hence be called), has the distinction of having some surprising talent among it's cast, chiefly Bruce Dern as the mad scientist who is experimenting on animal head transplantation. Why? Who knows? It seemed like a good idea at the time, I suppose. Somehow (I seem to have blocked most of it's plot from my memory, and for good reason I am sure), he ends up grafting the head of a criminally insane killer onto the body of mentally-challenged Hillbilly behemoth, with the usual disastrous results. Scooby-Doo's Shaggy, Kasey Casem is on hand as Bruce's old college buddy and Pat Priest (Marilyn on "The Munsters") is the Dumbsel in Distress. Quite simply, a terrible film from schlock-house AIP:
Of course, long before either of those movies, two Americans made a 1959 Japanese horror movie called The Manster, about a man who (once again, thanks to a mad scientist) literally grows a second version of himself, starting with a boil that turns out to be an eye growing on his shoulder. Eventually, a head pops out and finally the new, evil version seperates itself, completely. The movie is paid homage by Sam Raimi in Army of Darkness, and was the inspiration for a two-headed man costume that won me three "Scariest Costume" awards when I was about 9, or so. Mom gave me a Styrofoam wig head which I decorated with paint and plastic face parts and a wig from Woolworth's and she helped me attach it to my shoulder with masking tape, if I remember. I wish I could have found footage from this film. If anyone knows of a site where I can get some, please let me know.
And while two heads may be creepy, one head can be pretty awful, all by itself. Take The Brain That Wouldn't Die, please. (Sorry, had to). A mad scientist (are you sensing a pattern, here?) is speeding with his fiancee in the car resulting in a wreck which decapitates the poor young lady. Of course, being a mad scientist in love, he takes her head back to his lab and hooks it up to wires and fluids and voila! she is alive (sort of). As the charming fellow tries to find a replacement body onto which he can transplant his beloved's coconut, she develops a psychic connection to her beloved's last experiment, a mutant kept chained behind a door. This 1962 piece of crap makes for a delightfully hilarious episode of MST3K:
And a head isn't always necessary... often, just a brain will do, as in 1963's They Saved Hitler's Brain(aka The Madmen of Mandoras):
The brain might even be invisible without the aid of special equipment. Hell, it might even have antennae:
So, are two heads actually better than one? I suppose it all depends on your perspective. Personally, it doesn't matter, because a Head movie will never be good (unless it's a joke on "Futurama"). And while two heads aren't necessarily any worse, one can be pretty awful. Of course, there is one really bad Head movie that actually scares me:
I came across the movie I'm going to briefly discuss while researching my "Shocktober" post on Evil Child Syndrome, but I had never seen it, and couldn't find a way to include it's ineptitude in that particular entry.
Still, given my propensity for all things MST3K and almost all things snarky, I felt it my duty to share with you the trailer for what may well be the single worst film in history. Seriously.
But, just on the evidence provided by the trailer, I think the 1977 stinkeroo The Childmay honestly be the actual holder of that rather dubious title:
Okay, I've watched that trailer three times and I still have absolutely no idea WTF this movie is about, other than Rosalie is a satanic killer in the body of a child? Or is a child possessed by a satanic killer? Or.. Oh, really! I have no friggin' clue what this movie is actually about. All I know is, I MUST see it!
Really? What the hell is wrong with me? I know - if I don't know, how the hell should you? Still, if you have a clue as to where I might find a copy of this atrocity, please let me know.
And possibly the funniest and/or worst movie clip you'll ever see. Thanks to the "Found Footage" section on I09, I came across this 1987 gem, Rock'n'Roll Nightmare. Along with the most jaw-droppingly ridiculous special effects (and unlike our President, when I say "special effects," I really mean special effects) it includes some of the most godawful writng, acting and directing, ever. Ed Wood would have been asking, "Dude, what the hell is wrong with you? This movie is crap!"
In the movie's climax, a girl turns into a travelling carnival's Dark Ride attraction and our Hair Band hero suddenly sheds his clothes, donning eye makeup and a studded leather codpiece and claiming to be an archangel. Did someone leave the house without taking his thorazine? The puppet demon (or whatever) grunts appreciatively as the muscle-bound drag queen poses and flexes. Then a stagehand throws poorly-made ambiguous "creatures" at our hero (presumably dispatched by the not-scary-but-ridiculous demon), who pretends to struggle valiantly, all the while making faces like a constipated yak (not that I have anything against yaks - their hair makes the best theatrical wigs and beards, as evidenced by the star's new and improved gigantic hair).
There's some hilarious face-off/dance-off moves between the sweaty, steroid-pumping, obsequiouslyandrogynous, 80's big-haired star (one Jon Mikl Thor - is it me, or are there very few more pretentiously spelled names?) "fights" the devil (or Beelzebub or Baal or any other number of names for the devil Mr. Thor can mangle the pronunciation of). There's even some ankle grabbing! It's truly indescribable. You just have to watch for yourself. Oh, what the boys at MST3K could have done with this:
Wasn't that just so perfectly je ne sais qua? I honestly think this movie was made in Mr. Thor's mom's basement with a bunch of retired carnies, aging roadies and the junior high art class for a crew. And that hair just makes me want to set it on fire, poor thing. He's actually not bad-looking when he's not scrunching up his face in all that ridiculous grimmacing. The only things missing were a nipple ring and a masked slave on a leash. Oh, Jon Mikl Thor worked again and in 2006 made The Intercessor: Another Rock 'n' Roll Nightmare. As soon as I have time to find a clip, Ill post it. I hope it's half as deliciously awful as the first one.
And speaking of the boys at MST3K, have you seen this fan-made MST clip on the crap-tasticTweener vampire franchise, Twilight? Hilarious!
See? You thought I was pulling your leg in my last post. Movies and "The Gayest Thing" in a single post! Who loves ya, baby?
My friends and I discovered Mystery Science Theater 3000 in the early 90's when it was a Saturday Late Night Staple on Comedy Central. Those were the days when creator Joel Hodgson was the host and the evil scientists were Dr. Clayton Forrester (Trace Beaulieu) and TV's Frank (Frank Conniff). The jokes were hilarious (and almost non-stop) and I was usually quite proud to get most of them, though there were always those few that made no sense to any of us. When head-writer Mike Nelson took over the hosting duties, the show was still pretty funny, but there was something missing. By the time the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Moviecame out, it was time to hang it up, though there were three more not nearly as funny seasons after that.
The premise was simple - a guy and two smart-alecky robots, trapped in an orbiting space station, were forced to watch terrible movies as part of a sadistitic experiment. The movies were usually horror or sci-fi (though there were plenty of other genres) and were always the worst of the worst. The audience watched the three in silhouette as they sat in the front row and said all the snarky things you and your friends said while watching bad movies and smoking dope. Simple and hilarious. There were eleven seasons and dozens of episodes, some better than others. And some of the best eps were those that included a short to fill the time left by a shorter feature. Here then, in no particular order, are my favorite MST3K episodes & shorts:
********
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (Season 4, Episode #21):
This episode contains one of my favorite all-time MST3K lines: "Pills for breakfast? Who do we look like, Judy Garland?" Also, the infamously bad actress Pia Zadora makes her film debut as a Martian child.
********
The Sidehackers (Season 3, Episode #2):
This godawful motorcycle racing flick is so badly made, the boys have to actually explain that the hero's girlfriend has been murdered, because no one in the movie ever mentions it. The boys' best line comes during a particularly bad edit that takes place just as the hero clutches the tiny padlock on a chain around his neck: "Oh magic lock, take me to the freeway!"
********
Here Comes the Circus! (Pre-Feature Short, Episode Unknown):
One of the show's best shorts, Here Comes the Circus was basically a commercial for Ringling Brothers. It features the classic line "Oh, no! No! They're doing it 'clown-style!'"
********
The Day the Earth Froze
(Season 5, Episode #22):
This Russian-made version of a Norwegian folktale is about a witch who steals the sun, and features a slew of the boys' best lines, including "My other log is a Redwood!"
********
Hired!
(Pre-Feature Short, Episode Unknown):
Basically a training film for Chevrolet salesmen, Hired! is just terrible - and oh so funny in our boys' hands.
********
Manos: Hands of Fate
(Season 5, Episode #24)
This very, very, verybad, semi-soft-core porno movie about a weird cult features Torgo, the oddly big-kneed manservant and the least erotic dance sequence ever put on film.
********
Attack of the Eye Creatures
(Season 5, Episode 18):
The boys were on fire in Season 5, and this stinker is no exception. It's so bad, in fact, the movie's title screen reads: "Attack of the The Eye Creatures" (No, that is not MY typo). The best line comes as an alien's disembodied hand is crawling around in the backseat of our hero's car: "Gotta boogie... gotta boogie... gotta boogie on my finger and it won't come off!"
Honorable Mention - For the episdoe featuring teh Japanese monster movie Gamera, the boys re-write the Japanese lyrics to the movie's theme song: "Gamera is really neat! He is filled with turtle meat! That's why we love Ga-mer-a!"
The show may be long gone, but the riffs continue as most of the original cast can be found doing much the same thing as Pay-per-View downloads at: CinematicTitanic.com. Check 'em out!
