Friday, August 19, 2011

Want/Don't Want: 10 Fall Movies


I know, Summer isn't over yet. And there are still several films I really want to see that I haven't got to or haven't opened, yet. Tomorrow, Matty and I are seeing Final Destination 5 (yes, I know... but the films are amusing, if nothing else). Also on my list this month (as previously discussed): Rise of the Planet of the Apes; Fright Night; Conan the Barbarian and Don't Be Afraid of the Dark. I'm hoping to fit Fright and Conan sometime during the coming week and D and I have a long-standing promise to see Don't Be Afraid.

But there is a plethora of films coming out this fall that rank high and low on my list. I'm not including any indie faves like The Descendants or The Rum Diary, simply because while hey may be excellent films, they don't fall into the genres I usually talk about. So here are 10 upcoming films I want to see and have no desire to see.

Let's start with the Don't Wants, shall we?

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part I:

If you're anything like me, you despise the entire Twilight saga. Basically a Mormon treatise on abstinence, Stephanie Meyer's books bastardize the vampire genre, turning monsters into romantic heroes and teaching young girls the Disney lesson that someday their prince will come. Complete and utter crap:



Real Steel:

Hot Aussie Hugh Jackman stars in this mash-up between Michael Bay's abominable Transformers series and Hasbro's Rock-Em-Sock-Em-Robots in a story about a former boxer who now "trains" robots to fight. Really? I'd rather eat glass.



Footloose:

In what is possibly the single most unnecessary remake ever, Dennis Quaid takes over for John Lithgow in a story about a town that has banned dancing. If Kevin Bacon was dead, he'd be spinning in his grave.



Paranormal Activity 3:

The most boring, annoying and least scary horror movie ever made gets a second sequel. The people who pay to see this crap deserve to be ripped off. There were so many parody trailers for this movie on YouTube, I had to go to Trailer Addict to find the real one:




Now for the Wants.

Apollo 18:

Another "Found Footage" movie in the vein of Blair Witch and  Paranormal Activity, Apollo 18 was originally scheduled to be released this summer in advance of a competing film which fell apart. Delayed for re-tooling, I think it could actually be worth seeing:



Contagion:

Steven Soderbergh's Apocalyptic virus movie stars everyone:



Drive:


Hottie Ryan Gosling stars as a Hollywood stunt driver who moonlights as a get-away driver in director Nicholas Rfen's thriller:



In Time:

Justin Timberlake, Amanda Seyfried, Olivia Wilde, Alex Pettyfer, Matt Bomer and Cillian Murphy star in this futuristic tale about a society where people stop aging at 25, but use time as currency. It doesn't get much more "high concept" than this:



Immortals:

Love or hate Tarsem Singh's films (I happen to love them), you cannot deny that they are visual feasts. Tarsem takes Greek mythology to new heights in this tale of Theseus (future Kal El, Henry Cavill) and the Titans:



Finally, something many of you may think an unlikely choice for Uncle P, but ever since Miss Piggy went all Kung Fu in the original The Muppet Movie, I have been a massive fan of the Muppets' particular brand of nonsense. So I very much want to see writer/star Jason Segal's The Muppets (and you know you do, as well):



I only have one question: What the heck is Wall-E doing driving?

So, what movies do you want to see this Fall? And no, I don't care about the artsy indie movies likely to be nominated for awards. I'm talking Pop-Culture, Popcorn flicks, folks (boy, do I love alliteration!).
More, anon.
Prospero

2 comments:

Michael Offutt said...

Nice comprehensive list of the movies coming out. I'm with you on Twilight. I live in Utah so bleh...I see it everywhere and people love her here.

In Time looks interesting and the man-candy in that is amazing. I love Alex Pettyfer...I'd so want to lick his chest.

Stephen said...

TERRIFIC LIST!
For me:
The Beaver 2
The Eagle: Flying High
Sucker Punch Part 2: Better Tits
The Fast & The Feeble
Thor 2: More Thor
Pirates Of The Caribbean:Heavy Flow Days
Caliban's Big Adventure