Retro Review: "John Carpenter's 'The Ward'"

Genre great John Carpenter made his mark with the original Halloween and has since made some of the most memorable genre films of all time, including Christine; They Live; his amazing remake of The Thing and the very campy Big Trouble in Little China, among others. This 2010 effort from the now 68 year old director, unfortunately can't hold a candle his previous work.

Amber Heard plays Kristin, a teen girl found standing outside a farmhouse to which she set fire, and with no memory of anything before that. She is taken to a special ward of the local mental hospital where Dr. Stringer ("Fringe" and "Sherlock Holmes" villain Jared Harris) is testing a new kind of therapy on a group of similarly-aged teen girls, each with their own disassociative disorders.  Kristin moves into the room formerly occupied by Tammy, who in a prologue appears to have been murdered by some malevolent entity.

What follows is probably the most un-Carpenter-like Carpenter film ever made. Filled with cliches and genre tropes, this 1966-set 'ghost' movie ends up being little more than a pseudo-psychological thriller ala Identity and Shutter Island, though both of those movies are superior in almost every way. There are some terrific performances by the young cast, which includes Mamie Gummer; Danielle Panabaker; Laura-Leigh and Lyndsey Fonseca, all of whom have appeared on plenty of prime-time dramas and assorted smaller films, and all of whom manage to create interesting - if not exactly original - characters. The script by Michael & Shawn Rasmussen is both clunky and derivative, and I am surprised Carpenter agreed to do it. Proof that even if you've got it, you don't get to keep it.

Want to have a John Carpenter Halloween movie festival? Watch the 5 films mentioned in the first paragraph of this review and avoid this stinker like Vampires. *(One Out of Four Stars). The Ward  is rated 'R' for "violence and disturbing images." It is currently playing on Cinemax and Cinemax OnDemand, should you wish to waste 89 minutes.

More, anon.
Prospero

Werewolves Are NOT the New Zombies

Tyler Hoechlin of MTV's "Teen Wolf"

In the pantheon of Horror archetypes,Werewolf used to rank just below Vampire. Since a little black and white horror movie in 1968, werewolves have been knocked down a peg or two. Obviously, all three are insanely popular in genre TV. MTV's "Teen Wolf" (which I gave up on last season) and SyFy's "Being Human" and their new series "Bitten" prove that. They have been less successful on the big screen, of late. I don't know anyone who actually likes the Underworld movies and don't understand why they keep getting made and Benicio Del Toro's 2010 effort to reinvigorate yet another Universal Monsters franchise (The Wolfman) failed miserably and season one of producer/director Eli Roth's "Hemlock Grove" for Netflicks was a total bore. 

Personally, I can name only two werewolf movies in the last 30 years that were actually up to snuff. The first is director Joe Dante's (Mad Max; Gremlins) almost brilliantly realized 1981 version of Gary Brandner's novel The Howling. Featuring the first real physical werewolf transformation on film (thanks to Rob Bottin) and a very funny script by John Sayles, the movie ultimately fails when Dee Wallace (as a TV reporter) has an on-camera transformation, resulting in something that looks more like an over-sized Pekingese than a vicious killer.

Of course, probably the best werewolf movie ever made is John Landis' An American Werewolf in London. Scary, funny and romantic, Landis' movie set a bar which has yet to be met.

Runners up: Neil Jordan's very dark re-telling of 'Little Red Riding Hood,' The Company of Wolves and Christoph Gans' 2001 Brotherhood of the Wolf. 

Unfortunately, despite the presence of the eye-candy that is Jason Momoa, the upcoming French-made Wolves doesn't look likely to bring the subgenre back.

Personally... Cats are way scarier (and sexier):



More, anon.
Prospero

November Turkey of the Month

I couldn't let Turkey Month end without a true turkey, could I? Will Smith continues to ride the wave downwards with this 2008 stinker about the most unlikeable superhero, ever. Hancock may pose some interesting questions, but never bothers to answer them and it's hero ends up looking more like a dick, than anything else.

With no memories of his origins and lawsuits against him for the destruction he's caused, Smith's John Hancock is a cypher (if only). After his latest debacle, he his contacted by PR genius Ray Embrey (Jason Bateman),whose wife (Charlize Theron) just happens to be Hancock's immortal partner (or some such nonsense), doomed to immortal super powers (oh, boo-hoo!)

On a side note, no matter how adorable many of us may find Jason Bateman, there is little room in my imagination to allow Ms Theron to be his wife. 

"Breaking Bad" creator Vince Gilligan may have come up with the concept for Hancock, but not every idea is a good one. Poorly written and loaded with bad CGI FX, Hancock serves as just another notch on Smith's increasingly large list of bad movies. I was 'lucky' enough to see this movie for free while on a business trip a few years ago. I almost felt guilty about billing it to my expense account. There are rumors of a Hancock 2. It is my fervent hope that they will remain just that.

Given Smith's most recent track record, which includes Wild, Wild West; I Am Legend; Hancock and M.Night Shamalamadingdong's After Earth, I'd say Will needs a new manager. And while I won't go into the rumors about Will and Jada and their supposed sexualities, I will say that Mr.Smith might want to consider going back into the music industry. At the very least, he should teach his son to keep his mouth shut when it comes to education. 

In the end, Hancock is a truly terrible movie and certainly deserves the title "Turkey."

Ugh!

More, anon.
Prospero

Turkey Month Thursday on Friday

Click to Embiggen

Since Turkey Month starts on a Friday, I thought I'd start with a bonus Turkey! I mean, why the hell not? And it's time I started getting back to what serves as 'normal' for me, anyway. (Did I hear somebody say "...Abbie something..." or did someone slip me a tab of Windowpane). What?

Forget that you read that. And don't share it. I don't want any filthy hippies reading this. 

What?

Oh, you're right. I DO want filthy hippies to read me. I want everyone weird and wonderful to read me. Hippies; stoners; cinephiles; horror fans; theatre geeks; MST3K fans; bad movie fans; playwrights; screenwriters; actors; directors; LGBTQ people; free and forward thinking people; loving people; kind people; ecologically aware people... the list goes on and on. In fact, it might be easier to write a list of those I really don't want to read me. It's much shorter: Asshats; haters; bigots; bullies; religious nut-jobs; old Mormons; old Catholics; Neo-Nazis; Orson Scott Card and associates; people without a sense of humor and anyone remotely associated with a 'reality' TV show. That's it. So if you don't fall into one of the categories on the shorter list, please read on. Though, on second thought, those on the short list just might learn a thing or two... Oh, who am I kidding?

Sorry. Rant over. Let's get to this week's Turkey, then.

I have briefly mentioned this movie back in 2008, calling it My Favorite MST3K Episode. But it's crapulence was evident to me even as a child... 1964's Santa Claus Conquers the Martians could very well serve as a monument to truly terrible kids' movies. What makes this movie especially delicious to Turkey connoisseurs is that it marks the first film appearance by future Golden Globe "winner" and future spousal abuser, Pia Zadora, as the Martian child Girmar. 

So here's the plot: The Martians have been monitoring TV signals from Earth and have become jealous that there is no Santa Claus on Mars to give toys to the Martian children. The obvious solution? Kidnap Santa, of course. Meanwhile, two American brats on their way to meet Santa (I forget and don't care why) get wind of the plot and stow-away on the Martians' flying saucer. They and Santa are forced to make toys for Martian kids, but the machines breakdown or something and then the really stupid alien (i.e. most child-like) becomes the Martian Santa and the kids and the real Santa get home just in time to deliver toys on Christmas Eve. 

Terribly written, horribly acted and ineptly directed by Nicholas Webster (best known for his TV work in the 60's and 70's), Santa Claus Conquers... has become a high-camp classic, skewered beautifully by the folks at MST3K and even more fun with a group of smart, quick-witted friends. The production values practically scream "CHEAP!!!" and the acting is more painful than a root-canal without Novocaine. If you love bad movies and have never seen it, make it a point to do so. If you love bad movies and you have seen it, then you know exactly why it's such a wonderfully awful thing. And honestly, it's nice to see Ms Zadora as an innocent, before she married a rich old coot who bought her a Golden Globe (in a category which no longer exists) or a beater of her later, younger new husband. And don't be surprised to see her pop up at least once more this month (anyone remember Butterfly, 18 years later? Poor, poor Orson... ).

Here are both the trailer and highlights from the MST3K version:



Dig that groovy soundtrack, Baby!

"Pills for breakfast? Who are we, Judy Garland?" Man, I miss this show so very much!

Well, that's better! I can see the inklings of my old self coming back. And it feels nice. Hope I got a smile out of you, too (I know a certain someone in Chicago enjoyed this post, at the very least - he knows who he is).

More, anon.
Prospero

This Is the Best They Got?

Aaron Eckhart as a Hot Creature

Along with Dracula, Frankenstein and Frankenstein's Monster (or Creature) have been the subjects of movies since the days of Edison. 

Most people think of James Whale's Frankenstein and The Bride of Frankenstein from Universal in the 1930's. Hammer Films had their own version of the franchise in the 70's and there have been any number of stage and television productions of the story. Portrayed in various versions by Boris Karloff; Bela Lugosi; Lon Chaney, Jr; Glenn Strange; Fred Gwynne; Christopher Lee; Peter Boyle; Peter Hinwood; Shuler Hensley and Robert DiNiro (among many others) in I, Frankenstein, Aaron Eckhart is the Creature from Mary Shelley's novel, still alive after 200 years and apparently drawn into a fight with gargoyles or some such nonsense. The movie comes from the same people who keep making those deplorable Underworld movies. Eckhart and British character actor Bill Nighy (Shaun of the Dead; Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest) are the headliners among a cast of unknowns in a cheesy Underworld/Legion mash-up of some kind. Based on the "Unpublished" graphic novel by actor and Underworld writer Kevin Grevioux, I, Frankenstein is conceptually interesting, but...

Personally, I haven't seen a trailer ever work so hard to convince audiences to stay away from what looks to be an absolute piece of Winter Cinema Garbage.

I don't know if it's the ridiculous dialogue ("Frankenstein must be destroyed!")*; the atrocious CGI FX (1997 called, they want their Macs back) or Eckhart's impersonation of Christian Bale's Batman... Well, they all contribute to what looks like traditional January/February studio crap dump. It makes me glad they waited until after Halloween. Both Eckhart and Nighy are better than this. I just hope they invite me to the latest summer house it bought them.

*


More, anon.
Prospero

Bad Movie Retro Review "The Dunwich Horror"

This past week especially has been that weird transitional week for TV. The Summer shows are just about over and the new shows and seasons just starting to trickle in, so there isn't a whole lot worth watching, even on the obscure, niche channels. So I've been doing a lot of channel surfing. If something looks interesting along the way, I'll DVR it and move on. Such was the case when I came across a movie I didn't even know existed on SyFy, 2009's The Dunwch Horror, based on the H.P. Lovecraft story of the same name. Then I saw the cast, which included Jeffrey Combs (a staple in every modern Lovecraft movie since Re-Animator) and Dean Stockwell! Yes, Dean Stockwell from "Quantam Leap." And even more importantly, Stockwell - along with Sandra Dee; Ed Begley; Lloyd Bochner and Sam Jaffe (all solid B-Listers at the time) - was the star of the 1970 film of the same name and origin. Not a lot happens in the 1970 version and it's probably the least scary horror movie of the era.

Tonight, I sat down to find out why I never heard of the 2009 version. And it was all too soon apparent. This movie is so ineptly made; so abysmally acted; so poorly written and features some of the most ridiculously lame physical FX since Ed Wood's Bride of the Monster. The story revolves around the search for the original copy of the fabled Necronomicon, a book used to summon the return of ancient evil gods who once ruled the earth, so it can instead be used against a group of cultists intent on restoring the Old Ones' rule. Stockwell plays a professor of Cthuhu-ology or some such idiocy, who is brought into exorcise a young girl possessed by a 5000 year old demon, using only a cheap, plastic ankh and 60's-era Japanese Kaiju animated power rays from his bare hands. Oh, and a Rubick's pyramid his assistant found under the floor. Meanwhile, a young couple on a road trip are stalked at a rural gas-station by Wilbur (Combs, doing his best demonic Billy Bob in Sling Blade via Jon Lovitz) who brings her to his crazy mother and grandfather so they can feed her to his demonic twin, Yog Sothoth. We know these people are evil because the film does weird little skips when they're on screen. While elements of this version run closer to the original story, the dialog is pure drivel and the acting is... well, I'm guessing half the cast got paid in weed, a quarter got paid in coke and a quarter paid and/or had sex to be in it. The laughable 'special effects' include poorly animated "magical" lights, ridiculous costume/make-up monster effects and a raging pink and purple storm cloud of apparently gay evil. 

Honestly, there are no words to convey how stupefyingly bad this movie was. I deliberately chose the word 'stupefyingly' because as dreadful as this movie was, I couldn't stop watching. I was truly stupefied (not so much that I didn't manage to fast-forward through the commercials. If you happen upon this movie in a similar way, remember Indy's advice to Marion: "Don't look at it! Shut your eyes, no matter what happens!" 

I almost saved that one for Turkey Month (and may revisit it), but I wanted to share my thoughts fresh. Further reflection may yield more hilarious insights. .00000003 Stars Out of Four.

More, anon.
Prospero

Summer of Suck Part Deux?

Okay, is it me, or have there been very few summer tentpole movies to actually live up to their potential once again this summer? And yes, I missed a lot of them, though only one by accident. And it seems as though I really didn't miss much...

This past weekend saw the opening of South African director Neil Blomkamp's big-budget debut Elysium. It took the number one spot for its opening weekend but performed far below expectations, beating out stoner comedy We're the Millers by just $3M. As a fan of Blomkamp's debut District 9, Uncle P was excited for this big-budget thriller starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster. And then I started reading the reviews and had to take pause when Colin Berry, one of the Happy Mutants at the insane Science/Art/Maker/Literature/Politics blog BoingBoing posted his review, calling it "...everything that sucks about movies these days." (Read it here).

And lots of big-budget blockbusters saw similar fates. R.I.P.D.; The Lone Ranger; World War Z; and After Earth (even though it never advertised that it was directed by one-hit wonder M. Night Shyamalan) all failed, miserably. Guillermo del Toro's much-anticipated Kaiju Vs. Giant Robots movie Pacific Rim underperformed, as did White House Down with Channing Tatum and Jamie Foxx. 

The top performers so far this summer? Despicable Me 2; The Conjuring (a movie I wanted more from); Monsters University; Man of Steel and Iron Man 3. I've seen only one movie on this list and liked it, but not nearly as much as some people.

No one is quite sure why some of these movies failed, though I suspect that audiences have finally caught on and want more than just CGI FX and deafening sound to carry a movie. To which I say: Hurray!

But summer's not over and I have high hopes for a few late summer/early fall releases:

Kick-Ass 2 (NSFW):



The World's End:



Riddick:



Insidious: Chapter 2:



Gravity:



That last clip is absolutely terrifying! I can't wait!

More, anon.
Prospero

A TV Quickie - Missing MST3K

Nope, LEGO versions of Joel and the Bots just don't do it. Over its 10 year run on Comedy Central and Sci-Fi (long before it was SyFy), "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" entertained me and my friends with some of the snarkiest, silliest most outrageous and often very obscure comedic references ever. 

The premise revolved around an ordinary human (Joel Hodgson and later, Mike Nelson) trapped aboard a space station with four robots (Cambot; Gypsy; Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot) who is forced to watch bad movies as part of an evil experiment. Joel, Mike, Tom and Crow would then spend the next two hours making fun of the movie (and sometimes shorts) they were watching with more-often-than-not hilarious results. If you are a fan, you know how brilliant the show could be. If you aren't familiar, go to YouTube (after you finish reading this post) and watch it!

I know I've blogged about this show before, but the lunatics at Io9 recently posted "The 15 Most Disturbing Host MST3K Segments" and it got me nostalgic for both the 90's and the show.

Here are just a few of my favorite clips, bits, movies and segments:

And here's a fan-made MST version of Twilight:



 While the idea lives on at RiffTrax and the gang occasionally does live events broadcast to movie theaters nationwide, it's just not the same. Someone bring this show back, please!

More, anon
Prospero

Choose Your Poison

Uncle P is currently the victim of some sort of plant poison. I doubt it's poison ivy as a particularly bad bout with it as a child left me immune. The weeds, vines and unwanted tees growing along my neighbors' fences which surround my back yard (or 'garden' for my UK, NZ ad AU readers) are incredibly varied and often unidentifiable. 

I know there's lots of Rose of Sharon, Honeysuckle and Briar, though there are dozens more growing over, through and under the various fences surrounding my property. If you follow me regularly, you know I am still in the process of cleaning up the debris left by my well-intentioned BIL in May. I suspect it is during this clean-up that I contracted whatever it is that has left my ankles, left thigh and left arm with angry, itchy and downright nasty red rashes which are driving me insane.

Yes, I am using both cortisone cream for the itch and a product recommended by both a dear friend and my local pharmacist to stop the rash's spread. Both are helping, but neither seems to be curing. Every time I think one of the rashes is healing, another one appears on a new limb or a new area of an already affected limb. It burns. It itches. It's ugly. I hate it.

One week from today, Uncle P will be visiting Chicago for both business and vacation. I'll be meeting up with at least two dear friends and hopefully having some non-committed fun (if you know what I mean - nudge, nudge, wink,wink) and I certainly hope these rashes are long gone before then. I don't consider myself a 'Prize' by any means and this unfortunate turn of events certainly doesn't help to upgrade my desirability. 

Honestly, I think my life could be included in the Lemony Snicket books, "A Series of Unfortunate Events." Every time I think things are going well, something comes along to say "Eff You and Your Life!" Of course, this is nothing more than a "First World Problem" or a "White Whine." I know there are people in the world with far worse problems than an uncomfortable rash. It still seems like these kinds of nuisances pop up at the worst possible times...

Of course, I could just be a whiny d-bag who doesn't appreciate how good my life is, compared to many. I'll leave that up to you to decide. In the meantime, I'll be doing my best not to scratch.

At least I know this isn't the issue (nor will it ever be):

More, anon.
Prospero

Review: "The Lords of Salem"

I'm in the minority and actually like musician-turned-director Rob Zombie's 2003 debut film, House of 1000 Corpses. Conversely, I am among the majority in really liking it's brilliant 2005 sequel, The Devil's Rejects. And his fake trailer for Grindhouse (Werewolf Women of the SS*) is hilarious. I was dubious when I heard he was remaking John Carpenter's career-maker, Halloween but was pleasantly surprised that he actually did it some justice. Then came the remake's sequel, which proved disastrous. Still, I had hope for Zombie's latest film, The Lords of Salem. The trailer looked like another trippy, creepy 70's-referencing movie, much like his first two films but influenced this time by Hammer Studios. It won me over with it's weird and wild imagery:

The film's conceit is among the oldest of the genre's old chestnuts: "The Witch's Curse." What a great starting point. Screw history! Let's burn us some real witches in Salem. Naturally, the head witch curses the female descendants of the original colony and makes the descendant of the clergyman who condemned her bear the Devil's child. Trust me, this is not a spoiler and I'll tell you why. Despite hoping for an original and actually scary take on the trope, Zombie takes ideas from dozens of other (and much better) films about witches, the devil and the anti-Christ; throws them all up on the screen and hopes they stick. 1/3 of the way through the film's 101 increasingly absurd minutes, it starts to become apparent that they don't. Another 15 minutes in and the movie stops making any damned sense at all and it becomes an exercise in directorial indulgence for predictable, uninspired shocks; bizarre imagery and as many references to other works as he could fit in. 

There are some highly uneven performances from the cast of genre veterans, which includes Dee Wallace; Meg Foster; Bruce Davison; Patricia Quinn; Ken Foree and Maria Conchita Alonso with cameos from Michael Berryman and Sid Haig. An unrecognizable Foster comes off the worst as the curse-spewing witch, Margaret Morgan, out-hamming Al Pacino in Scarface and William Shatner in almost anything. Wallace, Quinn and character actress Judy Geeson seem to be at least having fun as crazy, elderly satanists while Davison and Alonso make an unlikely pairing work. Zombie's wife, (Sheri Moon Zombie) continues to be his muse and leading lady, though at almost 40, Moon Zombie's child-like performance is ridiculous (though only slightly less ridiculous than her awful dreadlocks and her eclectic, pop-art perfect apartment down the hall from Old Scratch). As for those amazing visuals in the trailer? Yes, they're in the movie. But so are dozens more that serve no purpose other than to perplex or disgust or cause some sort of reaction without any rhyme or reason. Note to Rob Zombie: No one wants to look at flabby, old naked ladies (not even flabby, old straight men); your wife still can't act and no matter how much you draw on imagery from Bosch; Fever Ray; Roman Polanski;  Ken Russell and David Cronenberg, The Devil should never look like a frog in a chicken suit as played by Chuy Bravo. My friend Michael and I (as well as the rest of the small crowd at the 8:10 show) laughed out loud at one too many things that were obviously not supposed to be funny, while often asking ourselves aloud: "What the...?"

I suppose it's good to know that Zombie knows his genre's history, but knowing the stories hardly makes him a story-teller. In the end, The Lords of Salem tries too hard to be too many things at the same time, hitting the audience over the head with heavy-handed imagery and totally uninspired references to far better works. While some critics are calling it 'daring' and 'ambitious,' I think The Lords of Salem is self-indulgent twaddle from someone who should know better. Bizarre for the sake of being bizarre is never interesting. Honestly, who actually decided to release this crap? I hope he or she gets fired for it. 0 Stars Out of Four.

Have a marathon at home, instead. Rent Rosemary's Baby; The Sentinel; The Devils; Lair of the White Worm; Naked Lunch; Altered States and The Fly and have an actual good time watching movies with the same themes and visuals, made by actually talented directors. What the hell happened to the guy who made *this?:

I'll never get the time back that I wasted on this POS, but Rob Zombie owes me $11.00, damnit! The Lords of Salem is rated 'R' for violence, nudity, male masturbation, gore and language. It should be rated 'P' for Pee-yew!

More, anon.
Prospero

Extended Winter Blahs

No Sh*t, Sherlock!

Normally, I despise Winter. And while this winter seems to want to hang on well past its welcome (an Ohio prosecutor has actually - though  satirically - indicted Punxatawny Phil, demanding the death penalty for Phil's 'deliberate misrepresentation of early spring'); there are a few things that made it more bearable than most (and one or two that made it a little worse). 

Let's start with what extra-sucked about this winter, so I can end on a high note, yes? First, though I deliberately chose to take most of this season off, I have done nothing theatrical since last June and have nothing lined up until October. Yes, I could use a break to concentrate on other artistic endeavors (and two dormant projects are well on their ways to revival and possible full fruition) but I still find myself jealous of my many of my friends who are (or have been) in some terrific shows, lately. And I worry that I'll get lazy and forget everything I've spent most of my life learning about acting and directing. I know it sounds silly, but the theatre folk among you know exactly what I mean. Of course, my mother's recent health issues and my increased involvement in her care have taken their toll. And I miss the Sun. We've had more gray days here in the East these past few months than I can remember. And as much as I hated spending 5 days without power and heat following Sandy, I know there are folks who had (and still have) it much worse than I.

Still, there were several things that kept this winter from being a complete disaster. First, I doubled up on my vitamin D supplement starting in late September and I can honestly say that it's made a difference. And as for those revived projects; I am very excited to see them in the hands of new collaborators, both of whom are very talented young men I am pleased to call 'Friend.'

Of course, the best thing that happened to Uncle P in a very long time was meeting T.  Being found both interesting and attractive does wonders for one's self-esteem. Last summer, I was telling friends I had given up on romance and had resigned myself to living a life of solitude. I don't know if it was the extra vitamin D or something else, but after Christmas I decided I wasn't going to settle for that and joined a few online dating sites. And along came T. And hope. T and I are still very new (and live an hour apart from one another) and I have no idea where it might lead (if anywhere), but it's nice to know I'm not done with romance, even if I'm older than dirt.

Now if it would only get warm and sunny already.

How does a movie so bad have such a great soundtrack? At least Peter Frampton was still adorable, though Aerosmith has the best number:

More, anon.
Prospero

Redefining "Train Wreck"

LiLo as Elizabeth Taylor

I don't honestly don't understand the fascination with the downward spiral that is Lindsay Lohan's career. The Disney princess who fell from grace, Lohan showed promise as an adorable moppet in the remake of The Parent Trap and actual talent in Tina Fey's Mean Girls. Then, something awful happened. 

The product of two completely dysfunctional parents and a group of toadying sycophants who don't know how to say "No," Lohan has been reduced to a sad pop culture joke, which even she doesn't get.

Multiple arrests for drug and alcohol offenses; several traffic accidents; a failed lesbian relationship; a shoplifting scandal; a very public fight with her mother; a father who behaves like a child and her most recent arrest for a brawl in a New York nightclub are all signs of someone in desperate need of an intervention.

This past Sunday, Lifetime aired Liz and Dick, starring Lohan as the iconic Elizabeth Taylor. Universally panned and reduced to a drinking game, the TV movie may well be the nadir of Lohan's film career (though I Know Who Killed Me comes in at a close second). Not that anyone really expected a Lifetime movie to be good... 

Of course, Lindsay has yet another film on the horizon, The Canyons. Written by hack novelist Bret Easton Ellis; directed by Paul Schrader (Cat People) and co-starring porn star James Deen, The Canyons is supposedly a thriller set among life in modern L.A. The trailers have been nothing short of ridiculous, much like Lohan's life of late.

It seems to me, what Lohan really needs is someone to hold her hand and guide her away from all the negative influences in her life, including her ne'er-do-well parents. Fame is as dangerous and addictive a drug as meth or heroine and despite the many slaps in the face Lohan has had of late, I must admit that I won't be surprised when her premature death is announced in the next few months. What a sad waste of a life which showed so much early promise. A truly beautiful young woman with so much potential shouldn't end up as a comical footnote in Hollywood history.

More, anon.
Prospero

Turkey Month Turkey of the Month

1970's Trog

By this time, the majority of my U.S. readers have either slipped into food comas from their Thanksgiving meals, or they're camping out in front of Best Buy waiting for Black Friday bargains at 5:00 AM. And here I sit, writing about a very bad movie.

At some point, I suppose one has to start feeling badly for Joan Crawford. I mean, here was a woman who, in the 30's, 40's and 50's was about as A-List as they came. By the late 60's, she was an alcoholic has-been, taking whatever work she could find. Her last film, the 1970 British Science Fiction stinker Trog, is a prime example of how low the mighty can fall. Crawford plays Dr. Brockton, an anthropologist with no first name. When an associate returns from a cave exploration with a tale of terror, Joanie puts on her gear and goes spelunking. She discovers a still-living troglodyte (which she imaginatively names "Trog") and brings him home in attempt to study and  domesticate the beast, though local businessman Micheal Gough (best known to US audiences as Alfred in Tim Burton's Batman films) objects when she plans to breed Trog. Wearing makeup rejected by The Planet of the Apes team, Trog is set free by Gough (who I suppose wants to prove a point, though what point that might be is never made clear) and the "half-man/half-ape" goes on a murderous rampage. Truly atrocious special effects, a dull and exceptionally stupid plot and some of the worst acting anyone has ever seen all help make Trog a true turkey. Critic Ned Daigle said: "Trog is truly ungodly. The performances are rotten, the Trog makeup is so bad it looks, at times, like it will slide right off the actor's face, and everything proceeds at a snail's pace to idiotic situations. It's really sad to see such a huge star be consigned to the Z-grade abyss of films like this. But, hey, a girl's gotta eat." He wasn't very far off the mark.

I suspect that if "Mystery Science Theatre 3000" had gone on to an 8th season, they might have gotten to Trog. The closest they got was 1962's equally stupidly titled Eegah which starred Richard Kiel in the title role of a caveman who goes on a rampage in Palm Springs.

Oh, how I miss that show!

I hope all my U.S. readers and friends had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

More, anon.
Prospero

Turkey Thursday on Saturday: Shark Bait

Seriously?

I can't believe that Thanksgiving is this coming Thursday and I've only done one Turkey of the Week post. I'm blaming Sandy, which screwed things up for so many of us in the Central Atlantic states these past few weeks. Thankfully, Uncle P received an unexpectedly expedient (say that 3 times, fast) check from my homeowner's insurance and I was able to start restocking my empty fridge and freezers today with the largest grocery order I've purchased in a very long time. I know there are folks within driving distance who don't even have a fridge to fill, so I am exceptionally grateful that I do. I urge you to continue to provide support to the American Red Cross and other local charities who are helping those most in need. Food, baby formula and warm clothing are still desperately needed by thousands affected by the storm.

Now I'll hope you'll allow me a moment or two of levity. Last night, Uncle P posted about my personal Top Ten Spielberg films, among them: Jaws. Universal made three sequels to Jaws, none of which included Spielberg and each of which is more ridiculous than the one before. Jaws II was okay at best, while Jaws 3D was just plain silly, despite the presence of the hotness known as Dennis Quaid as the adult Micheal Brody. Most egregious of all, 1987's Jaws: The Revenge delves very deep into the waters of ridiculousness, appearing on more "Worst Movie Ever Made" lists than anything directed by Ed Wood, Jr.

Convinced that her husband's fatal heart-attack was prompted by his fear of sharks, Ellen Brody (Lorraine Gary) knows that the shark which quickly kills her son Sean has a personal vendetta against her family and flies Micheal (now played by the decidedly less-hot Lance Guest) and his family to the Bahamas in an attempt to escape it (though why she doesn't go somewhere land-locked like Kansas, remains a mystery). Pilot 'Hoagie' ( Oscar winner Michael Caine) and his pal Jake (Mario Van Peebles) also happen to be marine biologists (?) who decide to track the shark (which has apparently followed Ellen from NY to the Bahamas) with a device that monitors its heartbeat. Ellen has flashbacks to events she didn't witness, while experiencing some sort of psychic connection to the shark that wants to eat her family because her husband killed it's brother or father or something. Eventually, Ellen decides to sacrifice herself to the shark to save Michael and his family, but Hoagie and Jake save her by impaling the Great White on the prow of the their boat, after driving it crazy with electrical impulses from the device they attached to its heart. What? Yes. That's really what happens in this epic PoS sequel to one of the best movies ever made. Most of those involved in the making of Jaws: The Revenge disavow it as the garbage it is. In full disclosure, Gary was married to the head of Universal at the time. I hope she has divorced him, since.

Here's what the late Gene Siskel and the now-silent Roger Ebert had to say about the movie upon its release:

More, anon.
Prospero

Turkey Month Begins

A Turkey from Turkey

While Hurricane Sandy put an all-too-soon end to Shocktober here at Caliban's Revenge, Uncle P soldiers on. 

The year's penultimate month is known as "Turkey Month" at the Revenge, where every Thursday I post about a bad, bad movie. And since the month starts out on a Thursday this year, I thought I'd talk about a Turkey from Turkey. 

1982's Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saves the World) is often called "The Turkish Star Wars," and while the producers may have blatantly stolen footage from George Lucas' 1978 ground-breaker, the plots couldn't be more disparate.

Two men crash land on a desert planet they believe is inhabited only by women, only to find out it is Earth 1000 years in future, under the control of an evil wizard. There are zombies; skeleton warriors; an evil queen; a giant monster and "golden ninjas." At the end, we are 'treated' to a speech about the human brain being "the strongest weapon in the universe." Stealing its soundtrack from Raiders of the Lost Ark; Moonraker; Ben-Hur; Flash Gordon and The Black Hole (among others), 'director' Cetin Inanc has made what many consider to be the worst Turkish film of all time  - and that's saying something, especially if you've ever seen other Turkish films. Slack copyright laws and budgets that put many U.S, independent films to shame, helped to make Dunyayi Kutaran Adam a very sad reality. And the mismatched aspect ratios (is that the 'Death Egg?') certainly don't help.

Still, a reviewer from Istanbul had this to say on IMDb:

"One can not put this movie into any categorie (sic) because it has created a new categorie (sic) in film world. It might be classified as cult-scifi (sic) but in a very different way. Some people might think that it is a comedy but it is absolutely a very very serious movie which is made under very difficult circumstances. Very very low finance has forced the producers to use incredible items, and creativity is at the extreme measures. If you are interested in extra-ordinary movies, don't miss it."

Really? Truth be told, after sifting through several clips from this film, I'd personally rather spend another three days without power than sit through the whole thing (available here, if you're brave enough).  Here's a trailer (or at least, a hodgepodge of scenes):

My head actually hurts just from watching that. I hope you got through it without puking or having a seizure of some kind. I can only imagine that the Turks must be starved for real entertainment and I can only thank the circumstances of my birth that I am not one of them.

In case you're wondering, power was finally restored here at about 2:00 PM, though many in my area are still without. My thoughts are with them and all those still suffering the effects of Hurricane Sandy. If you are able to do so, please donate to the American Red Cross' relief efforts.

More, anon.
Prospero