The Funniest Nonsense You'll See This Week

Oh Frabjous Day!

Oh, I do hope you got to check in on tonight's "PUD" notification... Oh, dear. That doesn't sound right, does it? Maybe this will help: Because I have a tiny bit of a weird sort of OCD, I strive to post a blog entry before midnight every day (and actually get a little stressed when I miss an unscheduled day off). And because I usually start them later in the evening, readers who check Caliban's Revenge between 10:00 PM and 1:00 AM ET, usually find the post's title and an occasionally, cryptically relevant image accompanied by the words "POST UNDER CONSTRUCTION."

Now, stick with me here, and if you get to end of the post, I'll tell you what it said instead if the usual, tonight (the first variation ever).* Of course, that's all to do with tonight's post, anyway.

With me, so far? Good. Not for long, I bet...

Those who risk their sanity to regularly check in on what Uncle P has to say (and hey - who the heck knows what the hell I'm going to talk about on any given day, anyway? -- I rarely know myself, until I sit down to write) know how much I truly adore Nonsense. And no, I'm not talking about the ridiculousness of every day existence (though that usually plays a part). I'm talking about what some refer to as "High Nonsense" or "Smart Nonsense." Lewis Carroll. Edward Lear. The Pythons. Early Zucker Brothers. We laugh at these folks' works not only because it's silly, but because it is so with a usually intelligent, winking eye.

So, bearing all that in mind... I had made plans with a 'friendly acquaintance' (a talented, attractive and very funny actor/musician who has made appearances in two JTMF shows). I met (and cast) Mike thanks to D. Tonight, Mike and I got together for the first time in over a year and we very quickly managed to go from 'Friendly Acquaintances' to 'Friends' in one of those rare and surprising evenings when such things happen. And I love when such things happen. Q can attest to how she and I bonded in much the same way one night, while in college. 

And as if that weren't enough to raise my endorphin levels, I logged in to check out my usual haunts after getting home and came across the particularly hilarious bit of nonsense embedded below (via). Please take the time to read the often outrageously absurd credits which follow the 'film.' I haven't actually snorted at a YouTube video in a very long time. I lost count at seven.

Ladies and germs, I give you "Shortest Film:"

*Please don't cheat and go right to the end. Santa is watching, and every naughty thing you do goes in his book! Every. Naughty. Thing.

Now it's going to be anti-climactic, especially since you probably ignored everything I asked and you jumped right to the end of the post without even an iota or guilt or remorse... I hope you can live with yourself.

 So, today's "PUD" notification read: POST UBDER NUNSTRICTION. 

Sad, isn't it? I'm going to stand in the corner and think about what I've, now. And if you laughed at any of this, you might consider doing the same. Or not. I don't care. I'm not really going to, anyway. 

'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.'

'Hey! There's a great dictator on the gramophone, tonight! Let's all go to Venezuela and smell it!'

I know... you don't get it. But those who do, know exactly what I'm talking about. Well, a bit. We did do the nose. And the hat. But she 'as got a wart.

More, anon.

Prospero

Nightmares Before Christmas

I imagine this is how most babies and toddlers see Santa

So here we are, as of this writing, 36 minutes into December 22nd and as every rational human being knew, nothing happened. Of course it is inevitable that many people died today, making it the end of the world for them. But if you are reading this, then congratulations! You have survived the Nonpocalypse. Again. 

I keep wondering if there will ever be a time when everyone realizes "You know what? There probably really isn't any truth in the vestigial, superstitious beliefs of our mostly science-less ancestors." Probably not. Nonetheless...

Many years ago, I played Santa at the department store where I was a manager (talk about a smooth segue). As the actor on staff, many such jobs fell to me. No pictures or throne or anything like that. I just walked around the store and gave out candy canes and talked to kids briefly. A quick tour of the store and I was done for a couple hours. One afternoon a young mother called to me, "Santa! Please come say hello!" I looked over to see a sleeping baby in a stroller and thought, 'Oh, please save us from screaming.' But the mother looked like she really wanted me to, so I headed over. 

"Are you sure?" I asked her.

"No, I promise, he loves Santa."

"Okay, but let me get down so I'm not towering over him." So I squatted down (those were the days when my knees still worked well enough to squat) and smiled. 

"Sean," Mom called. "Sean, wake up! Look who's here!" 

The baby Sean, certainly less than a year old, roused and opened his eyes and looked around and then landed on me. 'Here it comes!' I thought. The baby Sean opened his mouth in surprise... and started to smile... and smile... the single most beatific baby smile I have ever seen in my life. That moment... that amazing smile... that was Christmas. Twenty-five years later and that moment always comes to mind when I most need some Holiday Spirit.

Of course, it took this post about about nightmarish Christmas things to get me there. All this Apocalypse nonsense; that dreadful business in CT (not to mention the idiocy of the NRA's response) and the seeming interminable week before the holiday vacation had me cranky today, and when BoingBoing shared some strange Christmas videos, I had to talk about them and find a few more. And even though I had a very nice evening tonight, I still wanted to share some weirdness.

This first goodie is called Santa in Animal Land and features a goose (?), cat, dog and frog (?) who are sad that there is no Animal Santa, so the goose (duck?) and the cat head off to find the most horrifying Santa in Puppetland. PeeWee would probably not approve:

I really have nothing else funny or snarky to say about that truly horrifying piece. It's evil speaks for itself.

This next treasure is a short from Castle Films, which I'm guessing is from around the late 30's or early 40's. Merry Christmas isn't overtly nightmarish (well, not most of it) as much as it cries out for the MST3K treatment:

Joel and his bots did take on a Castle short, which while having nothing to do with Christmas, is certainly nightmarish (not to mention probably the funniest short they've ever done, which was paired with one of the funniest features they ever did). If you've seen Here Comes the Circus before, you know you can't wait to watch it again. If you're seeing for the first time, enjoy. If you are Dear D (i.e. coulrophobic) DON'T watch it at all:

This next (also via) drek-tacular nightmare apparently got the Riff-Trax (sort of the Son of MST3K) treatment, but is certainly hilarious and weird and nightmarish all on its own. And it isn't just the sub-amateur acting, mid-century suburban locations, crappy stock footage and terrible camera work. There's actually something very 'Funny Uncle' about the whole thing. Both the Narrator and Santa even sound like child-molesters. Honestly, Ed Wood made better movies. Here's 1963's A Visit to Santa: 

"Every doll must have a head. And also, a body!" Was this thing written by a young Thomas Harris? Then there's this gem: "For little girls, a doll is fun to warsh and dress and spank!" My head nearly exploded from that single line alone. Only to be followed by this: "How Ann enjoy these pretty dolls and Dick...(inappropriate and ill-placed pause)... shows no delight." And then even more incoherence: "She'll cook and scrub the whole day long and serve a TV dinner." What? WHAT!?!? TV dinners? What the hell was she cooking all day, Soylent Green? Oh, and the reason for Christmas? "...to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, hundreds of years ago." The underlining is mine. But I suppose that Santa is correct. I mean if the Earth is only 4,000 years old, then Jesus must have lived in 1763 or something. Right? In fact, he gave George Washington a ride across the Delaware on the back of his stegosaurus.*

There, that's better. Tonight saw a lovely dinner with some very dear friends, followed by a fond Christmas memory and some creepy holiday nonsense. Why wouldn't I feel better? Well, the citrus vodka spritzers I had while writing this post didn't hurt. 

I am off from the Day Job for the next ten days and am looking forward to sleeping in, spending time with most of the people I love most in the world and maybe venturing out for a day trip or two. I have many gifts to wrap (and just a few left to get) and lots of cleaning to do in the next few days, but that's okay. I'm finally actually looking forward to my very secular version of Christmas, in which I choose to celebrate those I love with gifts, food, laughter and good times. 

And that is Christmas, too.

More, anon.

Prospero

*Art challenge. Submit your artistic interpretation of Jesus giving Washington a ride across the Delaware on a stegosaurus (or any dinosaur) and the best entry will win a piece of show biz memorabilia.

The Gayest Santas You'll See This Week

No Wonder the Elves Work for Free

I haven't seen late night TV in a long time. Not because I'm not up, but I'm usually writing and doing other nonsense when it's on, and I DVR enough with out adding daily stuff.* I see the best of late night on line the next day, anyway. I think Leno should just hand over the reigns, already. And Letterman should probably follow. There are younger, funnier and far more clever guys ready to jump in. Jimmy Kimmel's show is often hilarious, though I've never really been a fan of his. Craig Ferguson just doesn't care and does whatever the hell he wants and I think of him as the 21st Century Ernie Kovaks (showing my age on that reference, even though Kovaks was actually before my time). Of course former SNL cast member Jimmy Fallon is a talented comedian, musician, mimic and improvisor. He has the look of youthful innocence, the sense of humor of a performer (my fellow actors/singers/dancers know exactly what that means) and the fearlessness of dirty old man. 

"What the Fudge does any of that first paragraph have to do with gay Santas?" asked everyone reading this post. Once you see the clip I've embedded, all will be clear. Of course, if you're a regular Fallon watcher (Man, I hope that there's a species of bird somewhere in the world called a 'Fallon'), you may already be familiar with the bit. And if so, please don't ruin it for others...

Anyway, knowing I wanted to post about this particular clip, I went in search of images I thought might convey the spirit of the post, as usual. So I did a Google Image search for "Gay Santa." I got some rather amusing, astounding and downright filthy results! The treasure trail... er, trove of images I found aren't for kiddies, though they or may not be SFW.

Don't judge an aging bear... you know you find at least two of those pictures hot, no matter what your sexuality. 

And now, back to late night TV. Jimmy Fallon was doing a bit in which audience members' suggestions get acted out on the show. Take a look at this and you will understand:

As they say: "Still a better love story than Twilight."

I honestly think that while I am slowly getting into the holiday spirit (especially as my holiday vacation draws nigh), it's a very different version of 'holiday spirit' than I'm used to. I'm sure it has something to do with my encroaching decrepitude, though that's only part of it. And it gets harder and harder to find gifts for people you've known forever and who already have everything they could possibly need. Of course, the pursuit is often as fun as the giving. This year is just... different. 

More, anon.
Prospero


*Confession: I do record "Chelsea Lately" every night, but they're only a half hour each and I don't always watch the guest segment, though I often watch a whole week's worth in one sitting.

The Gayest; Draggiest and Hardest-Nippled Christmas Things You'll See This Week

2012 Boston Santa Speedo Run

I think that's the longest title I've ever given to a post. But it will all make sense soon (or not - how should I know if you're sane? I'm obviously not*).

First, the Gayest, Hardest-Nippled part of the post (did you ever think you see the word 'nippled' capitalized?*). Saturday was the annual Santa Speedo Run in the fine city of Boston. Thousands of hotties got together and ran a marathon in the skimpiest beachwear, underwear and holiday costumes possible. It's all for charity and looks like lots of fun and something I wouldn't mind seeing in person. They hold these SSRun events in cities all over the U.S. - hang on - BRB - Damn! No Philly.  Maybe next year (via).

Now onto the draggiest Christmas thing this week. Gender Illusionist Doo-Wop group The Supreme Fabulettes (apparently the toast of gay London) have a new song and video out, just in time for all the holiday cheer. Please enjoy the Boy-George directed "You Ruined My Xmas:" 

 

Drag is hard and I hate doing it because the costume changes suck, especially without a dresser. I do admire the performers who put up with the inconveniences because they love doing it. And I must admit to having a lot fun doing Hairspray... 

Can you tell I'm getting into the holiday spirit, finally?

More, anon.
Prospero

*Really. Who else thinks like this? Okay... maybe my sister, a little. And sweet, hilarious Mia - my 'work-niece.' A few other twisted souls on Facebook. Maybe you. I don't worry about it. Neither should you. Who are we to judge anyone, any way? Move along. Nothing more to see here. Well tonight, anyway.