Thursday, November 19, 2009

More Things to Be Thankful For

See that poster? It's real. It's for a movie about... oh, dear God... about a... I almost can't bring myself to type this... Aw, what the hell? Blood Freak is a 1972 horror movie about a were-turkey! Seriously. The monster is actually a guy who turns into a blood-drinking killer turkey... And yes, this is another Bad Movie post. Sorry, I've just been in a bad movie mood for 40 years (and if you get that joke, you've done way too much theatre, you're really gay or you're my friends Kathy and Alice).

Today, Unkle Lancifer and Aunt John's wonderful Horror blog Kindertrauma had a post about horror movies one should watch for Thanksgiving, and while Blood Freak wasn't exactly recommended, it was mentioned. And since I had never heard of this movie (the closest I could come was Bloodsucking Freaks, Joel Reed's 1976 craptacular which is alternately titled The Incredible Torture Show. Get it? Lame).

Anyway, I clicked a link and soon found myself confronted by the most inexplicable three minutes of a movie I've ever seen. And in all fairness, any random three minutes seen out of context from any movie can be misleading and confusing. Sadly, I have a feeling that the randomness and non contextual factor have nothing to do with the following trailer. You watch it first and then we'll come back to discuss. K? BRB. (Um, I'd say "Enjoy the clip," but that depends on how stoned you are when you watch it - not that I'm endorsing anything, I'm just sayin' is all):

Ah... H.G. Lewis seems a genius; Ed Wood an auteur and Brett Ratnor a Celluloid Picasso, compared to directors/writers Brad F. Grinter and Steve Hawkes. I read the rather extensive synopsis on IMDb, and it still made no sense. So, here's my attempt to distill it (in at least as much as I understand it) for you, dear reader:

Herschell (Hawkes) is a down-on-his luck Vietnam Vet. He gets a job at a turkey farm, where the owners are experimenting in an attempt to create an addictive turkey product. Having already gotten Herschell addicted to pot laced with some of their chemicals, they promise him more if he'll agree to test their chemically altered product. The results (as usual in these kinds of movies) are not good. Herschell becomes a were-turkey,* capable of getting the drug he needs only by drinking the blood of other users (though how he schlurps it up through that immovable papier-mache beak is beyond my ken - use a straw, for cryin' out loud - or at least a sippy-cup!). If you'll excuse me for evoking de Sade, the pain of watching this movie must be exquisite. Hey, I made it through Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter - I can make through almost anything, damn it!

And just so you know - this Bad Movie Mood isn't over, just yet. Now you can't say that you haven't been warned. And of course, these posts are a movie geek's version Schadenfreude, which is a German expression for the feeling of enjoyment one gets from other people's misfortune... Damn! The Marquis raises his dirty little head again.

*Be honest - on what other blog might one find the term "were-turkey" not once, not twice, but three times in the same post which also mentions the Marquis de Sade , Jesus and bad movies? Find me one and I'll buy you dinner. OK - I'll admit it, that last link was purely for the amusement of my sister, who is probably wetting her pants as she reads this (or at least trying real hard not to). I probably should have linked the word 'dinner' to this, instead.

Honestly - what the hell is wrong with me that I feel compelled to see this insultingly bad film? Please, tell me I'm not alone in this bizarre obsession...

More, anon.

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