How Many Times Do I Have to Say "Goodbye?"

So the Apocalypse is upon once again. Did we learn nothing from the last time some lunatic announced the End of Days? Apparently, not.

Social media users are already complaining about how annoying 12/21/12 is going to be, so I thought I'd get it out of the way and move on to real things, again. 

I suppose I might buy that if the Mayan calender could actually be applied to the modern Gregorian calender, then December 21st, 2012 could plausibly be where the Mayan calendar ends.  All well and good. But... it is has been verified that out of the world's many religions and cultures, the Maya are among the few people who don't have any sort of Apocalyptic mythology. And good ole NASA has happily provided reassurances to that effect:

I can hear all you Doomsayers: "Of course that's what NASA wants you to believe. They're in on it, man!" And there are plenty of delusional people who think that the Zombie Apocalypse is real, too. Uncle P may love me some Zombies, but I (like every rational human being) know the likelihood of such a think happening is far, far less than zero.

Of course, Hollywood has exploited The End ad nauseum:












I can't wait to wake up next Saturday and laugh...

Oh, I so love "Raising Hope" and it's perfect casting! Personally, I have too many things I'm looking forward to doing and experiencing to worry about some stupid and unmerited hoax revolving around a society that worshiped the sun and winged serpents while practicing ritual sacrifice. It all makes perfect sense, if you think about it. "Screw you, Catholic Spaniards! Our gods will protect... uh-oh! Well, screw you anyway. You only have another 600 years! Ha-ha!"

Still - at least one sure sign of the Apocalypse has reared its ugly head:

Sorry. I stopped after 58 seconds and wouldn't blame anyone who stopped sooner. Maybe the world should end, after all. At least we wouldn't have to worry about going to work that Monday. Of course, I already have that whole week off, so it doesn't make any difference to me.

More (most assuredly), anon.
Prospero

Why We Have Mythology

Photo via Bits and Pieces (I think)

I do hope that the image on your right is real and not 'shopped. It's rather amazing, if it's real (and why wouldn't it be?). 

As I've discussed on more than one occasion, the effect is known as pareidolia. Our eyes and brains have been genetically pre-programmed to recognize patterns, particularly own mother's faces. And we continue to recognize faces, even when we aren't actually looking at a face. I posted this picture on Facebook and sweet, crazy Mia immediately commented: "I see Jesus! It's Jesus!"

 

But imagine being a primitive version of yourself, living 8 to 10 thousand years ago. You have no knowledge of science and the natural world seems a very magical place (which it is, but in a very different sense). You're out with some of your buddies, gathering wood for a fire to cook tonight's mastodon when you come upon the face of what must obviously and undoubtedly be the snow god, himself. You may pause to marvel, but you can bet your hairy caveman ass you'll be bowing and backing away in fear and reverence. Is it any wonder that mythology is filled with Green men; fairies; elves; satyrs; centaurs; naiads and dragons? Happy Place has a great post of 'The Most Absurd Objects Jesus Has Ever Appeared On" that more fully illustrates one of the more common themes in pareidolia.

The truth is, religion is like magic. And magic is only what science doesn't understand, yet. There are no fairies; elves; centaurs or dragons. The snow on that tree just happened to lay/melt in a pattern that resembles a face; a pattern we are genetically predisposed to recognize. The magic is in the physics that caused the snow to lay/melt or whatever in that pattern and the biology that allows to see a face in a random pattern. Our brains are wired to to try and make sense out of visual patterns. We can't help but see things that aren't really there.

Speaking of invisible (the only segue that makes any sense at all), here's a Forgotten Gem from my childhood:

When you're 8, the only thing scarier than a monster you can't see is a monster brain that you can.

More, anon.
Prospero

Do You Like Gladiator Movies?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson

Way back in 1997, Disney angered the population of an entire country when it released the animated musical Hercules. The Greeks complained that the film reduced the classic mythological hero to a buffoonish caricature. Really? Where were they when handsome American body-builder and 'actor ' Steve Reeves was making his living in terrible 1960's Italian films about the same character? And where was the uproar when Austrian strongman (and future Governator) Arnold Schwarzenegger played the role for laughs in 1969's Hercules in New York? And then there was the All-American Hercules; Kevin Sorbo in Sam Raimi's sarcastically homoerotic "Hercules: The Legendary Adventures," which ran on American cable from 1995 to 1999. I don't remember any Greeks protesting that show.

So, I have to wonder: what will the Greeks think of former pro-wrestler turned family-film-star, Samoan behemoth Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as their iconic hero? Literally dozens of industry sites are reporting that Johnson - currently on screen in the critically derided 3D actioner Journey 2: The Mysterious Island - is in talks to play the Greek demigod in director Brett Ratner's adaptation of Steve Moore's darkish graphic novel, 'Hercules: The Thracian Wars.'

I like Johnson. He's personable, attractive and has a rather amazing physique. He's been in both bad (Tooth Fairy) and fairly decent (The Rundown) films. On talk shows like 'Ellen,' Johnson comes across as a bright, funny, dedicated family man who wants to make movies his kids can watch. Of course, it's going to take lots and lots of Dermablend (or very expensive CGI) to cover those traditional Samoan (and Texan) tattoos. And Uncle P (among millions of gals and guys) would certainly not kick him out of bed for eating crackers.

Of course, the Greeks have other things to worry about these days, though I can't imagine they're going to happy with a Samoan actor playing a Grecian icon, given their response to the Disney film. 

As for me, my first experience with the character was the 1960's cartoon (I'm old, remember?) "The Mighty Hercules," in which Hercules resembled Superman and his best friend was a fey satyr named Newt (no relation to the current Repugnican candidate).

Ancient Greek warriors were often paired with their male lovers; the idea being that they would look out for and protect one another. It's a strategy that worked for thousands of years. While there is nothing in classic Greek mythology to suggest Hercules had such a pairing, I certainly wouldn't mind being paired with Johnson in war or peace... I'm just saying.

More, anon.
Prospero

Joey, Do You Like Movies About Gladiators?

Henry Cavill ("The Tudors" and the upcoming Superman re-boot Man of Steel) is Theseus  in Tarsem Singh's lavish take on Greek mythology The Immortals, opening next weekend.

Tarsem (as he likes to be known) directed one of the most interesting Sci-Fi movies of 2000, The Cell, about a child psychologist (Jennifer Lopez) who uses hypnotic techniques to enter the mind of a comatose serial killer (Vincent D'Onofrio). Using state-of-the-art effects, Tarsem manged to take us into a visual world we'd never seen before.

2006's The Fall was an epic fantasy as told by an injured stuntman in 1920's Hollywood. Critics were divided, though once again, Tarsem demonstrated a visual style unlike any other director working today.

Along with Cavill (who can be seen shirtless all over the web, these days), Immortals features Mickey Rourke; Frieda Pinto; Stephen Dorff; openly gay actor Luke Evans; John Hurt and Kellen Lutz. Dear D and I are currently trying to find a time this upcoming weekend to see this film. Once we have, you can be sure I'll be posting my review. That is of course, once I recover...

Below are the trailers for all of Tarsem's films.

The Cell:



The Fall:



Immortals:

Tarsems's next film is the 2012 untitled live-action version of Snow White, starring Julia Roberts; Armie Hammer; Sean Bean; Lily Taylor and Nathan Lane. I'm surprised he took on another film so quickly, given his usual 5 or 6 years between projects.

More, anon.
Prospero

Clash of the Trite Ones

That's flavor-of-the-month Sam Worthington, late of Avatar in his next blockbuster role as Perseus in the upcoming remake of Clash of the Titans.

Your Uncle P is (sadly) old enough to have seen the original 1981 Desmond Davis version on the big screen. I saw it with my sister and we were both very excited. We grew up on movies featuring the amazing stop-motion special effects of the master, Ray Harryhausen. The movie starred a little-known stage actor named Harry Hamlin as Perseus and a slew of former A-listers which included Maggie Smith, Claire Bloom, Ursula Andress and Burgess Meredith. It also starred the incomparable Laurence Olivier at what is assuredly the nadir of his long and illustrious career.

Much like Disney's animated Hercules, the story is a total bastardization of the Greek mythology. In this version, Perseus must rescue the princess Andromeda from the clutches of the evil Calibos, assisted by the mechanical owl, Bubo (a lame attempt to attract kids who loved the the chirping, whistling droid R2D2 from Star Wars). Perseus tames the wild, winged horse Pegasus; battles the snake-headed Medusa and even fights a Kraken (a beast from Norse mythology!). The script, by Beverly Cross (Jason and the Argonauts) is ridiculous (why would one impose Norse mythology on a movie about Greek mythology?); the acting is laughable and the special effects? Well... let's just say they're not-so-special. Yet, somehow, it's become a classic. I suspect it's because most of the people who love it were children when they saw it and their memories of it probably don't live up to the actual thing. I was 20 when it came out and my sister was 14. Both of us immediately saw through its nonsense and declared it "Clash of the Trite Ones," a name we still use for the movie. See for yourself:

Hamlin was almost pretty then, wasn't he?

Of course, Hollywood, being the unimaginative pit of crap it's become in the last 30 years, felt the need to remake this steaming pile of cinematic excrement, using modern CGI and 3D. This time, Worthington takes on the role of Perseus, and a whole new cast of former A-listers are on hand, including Ralph Fiennes; Liam Neesom; Pete Postlethwaite and my current favorite vampire, Danny Huston.

Bigger and louder, though I fear equally as stupid, Clash of the Titans is due for release in IMAX 3D on April 2nd, despite what that trailer says. Will I see it? Probably. I've always been a sucker for Sword & Sandal & Sorcery epics. And I have two Re-Admit passes from Avatar being snowed out. Though I doubt I will like it any better than the original. Maybe someday someone will make a movie that's actually true to the old mythological tales. I suppose someone other than myself must own a copy of Bulfinch's Mythology. But I'm not holding my breath...

More, anon.
Prospero