Turkey Month Begins

A Turkey from Turkey

While Hurricane Sandy put an all-too-soon end to Shocktober here at Caliban's Revenge, Uncle P soldiers on. 

The year's penultimate month is known as "Turkey Month" at the Revenge, where every Thursday I post about a bad, bad movie. And since the month starts out on a Thursday this year, I thought I'd talk about a Turkey from Turkey. 

1982's Dunyayi Kurtaran Adam (The Man Who Saves the World) is often called "The Turkish Star Wars," and while the producers may have blatantly stolen footage from George Lucas' 1978 ground-breaker, the plots couldn't be more disparate.

Two men crash land on a desert planet they believe is inhabited only by women, only to find out it is Earth 1000 years in future, under the control of an evil wizard. There are zombies; skeleton warriors; an evil queen; a giant monster and "golden ninjas." At the end, we are 'treated' to a speech about the human brain being "the strongest weapon in the universe." Stealing its soundtrack from Raiders of the Lost Ark; Moonraker; Ben-Hur; Flash Gordon and The Black Hole (among others), 'director' Cetin Inanc has made what many consider to be the worst Turkish film of all time  - and that's saying something, especially if you've ever seen other Turkish films. Slack copyright laws and budgets that put many U.S, independent films to shame, helped to make Dunyayi Kutaran Adam a very sad reality. And the mismatched aspect ratios (is that the 'Death Egg?') certainly don't help.

Still, a reviewer from Istanbul had this to say on IMDb:

"One can not put this movie into any categorie (sic) because it has created a new categorie (sic) in film world. It might be classified as cult-scifi (sic) but in a very different way. Some people might think that it is a comedy but it is absolutely a very very serious movie which is made under very difficult circumstances. Very very low finance has forced the producers to use incredible items, and creativity is at the extreme measures. If you are interested in extra-ordinary movies, don't miss it."

Really? Truth be told, after sifting through several clips from this film, I'd personally rather spend another three days without power than sit through the whole thing (available here, if you're brave enough).  Here's a trailer (or at least, a hodgepodge of scenes):

My head actually hurts just from watching that. I hope you got through it without puking or having a seizure of some kind. I can only imagine that the Turks must be starved for real entertainment and I can only thank the circumstances of my birth that I am not one of them.

In case you're wondering, power was finally restored here at about 2:00 PM, though many in my area are still without. My thoughts are with them and all those still suffering the effects of Hurricane Sandy. If you are able to do so, please donate to the American Red Cross' relief efforts.

More, anon.
Prospero

Friday Gratuities, Faux Holidays, Cooking and Other Assorted Nonsense

Nature

Let's start with some gratuitous Nature porn, shall we?

I found that picture on this site, listed as an "Epic Win!" I've seen this photographer's work before (if you know his name, please let me know so I can credit him). He specializes in shooting ocean waves in motion and has captured some amazing things, so I don't doubt to the veracity of the photo and I don't think it's been Photoshopped. Light through water is exceptionally beautiful and this wave looks like magically stained glass thanks to a remarkably colorful sunset. Luck, skill, timing and being in the right place at the right time.

Now, I know some folks who would say "God made that wave like that." Um... Okay. If you want to think that, I'm not going to stop you, but actually the photographer used a combination of science, art and nature to capture that moment when the three come together to create something extraordinary as that photograph. Truth is, art couldn't exist without science. Paint; photographs; videotape; compact discs; Mp3s... all of them impossible without chemistry, biology and physics. And quite honesty, it is science that proves how we exist, even if it still doesn't exactly know why.

"Ai-Ooo-Gah!"

And speaking of beautiful (and slightly less philosophical) things, it's time to move on to some gratuitous male flesh. Because you see, Uncle P has fallen in lus... er, uh... love with  ballet dancer Jonathan Guijarro, pictured to the right. You should all expect your "Save the Date" notifications, soon. Jonathan and I will be honeymooning in St. Tropez, Monaco, Nice and Paris, followed by an extended stay with his parents at their beach house in Ibiza.

In lieu of gifts, please donate enough moeny to convince Jonathan to marry me. For reals, ya'll. I mean it. Help a brother out!

Honestly, I don't know the young man's real heritage. He could be Latino or Spanish, but who really cares? The boy is smoking hot! I'm talking 12 alarms. Mui caliente.All that and a bag of chips. The cat's pajamas. The bee's knees. Wait... what? Australia's number one gay men's magazine, DNA has a small photo feature (may be NSFW) of Jonathan on their website this week. Like Hrthiik Roshan; Chris Evans; Ryan Reynolds; Bradley Cooper and My Obsession, Guijarro is just another gorgeous person with whom I actually have nothing in common. But that doesn't mean I can't look at, admire and comment about people I find to be particularly attractive. I'm only human, afterall. And we all like pretty things...

Of course, it's genetics (more science, thank you) that makes people like Jonathan so attractive. Not everyone's DNA is wired for such esthetic perfection. But enough of that.

May the Fourth Be With You!

Let's move on to Faux Holidays. This weekend sees two of the silliest...

Today of course, was "Star Wars Day" (every self-respecting Sci-Fi geek knows why). My equally demented friend and co-worker Mia, shared the image on the left. Of course, Luke Skywalker isn't quite as Christ-like a figure as Spielberg's E.T. but I suppose he'll do in a pinch, even though he's more like young Arhur Pendragon than Jesus of Nazareth. 

And tomorrow (today, actually) is the Mexican St. Patrick's Day, Cinco de Mayo. Not to be confused with Mexican Independence Day, Cinco de Mayo celebrates a single victory against the French in 1862. In Mexico, it is only celebrated in the state of Puebla. In the U.S., it is celebrated in Mexican restaurants both good and bed; bars and cantinas (talk about a Star Wars seque!) with tequila shots, Margaritas and dos Equis; tacos; enchiladas; salsa; cilantro; tortillas and rice. All of which, by the way, I will be doing tomorrow.

It just so happens that the next dinner with my college friends falls on May 5th, so we're obviously having a Mexican-inspired feast. We're trying hard not to do the usual. I'm making a "Creamy Taco Casserole" and a rice dish that combines elements of two different recipes I found online, along with my personal tweaks and embellishments.

 

Candy-filled Pinata Cookies

I was very tempted to try to make the candy-filled pinata cookies on the right, but I'm not really a baker. I do well enough with pies, tarts and crisps I suppose, but cookies have never been my thing and while I found these to be delightfully whimsical, they're also pretty complicated for a novice cookie maker. I imagine a sweaty version of myself, cursing and decrying my clumsy ape-like fingers as rainbow sugar cookies crumbled to into rainbow crumb-fetti.

Of course, I'll be posting about our gas-inducing indulgence afterwards.  There are some very yummy-sounding dishes on the menu and I'm looking forward to both seeing my friends and eating great food. What more can one ask of life? Wait... Don't answer that... 

I'll be sure to let you know if I ever do make those cookies.

More, anon.

Prospero

Finally Washing Off the 'Star Wars' Stink?

I've been a fan of Israeli-born Natalie Portman ever since her turn as a young girl who hires a hitman for revenge in The Professional. Since then, she's gone on to appear in plenty of films I really like (even if other folks don't), such as Mars Attacks!; Garden State; Cold Mountain; V for Vendetta and The Other Boleyn Girl, among others. 

Unfortunately, she also played Luke and Leia's mother in George Lucas' Star Wars prequel trilogy. Over this holiday weekend, one of the cable networks (I think it's Spike, but don't quote me) has been running these unfortunate films on what seems like a constant loop. Now, I didn't see any of them in a theater, but rather caught them on DVD or HBO. And, like many fans of the original Star Wars trilogy, I hated them. Boring and over-produced, Episodes 1 through 3 seem to spit in the face of the spirit of the original films. Of course, the payoff is seeing terrible actor Hayden Christensen burned by lava before becoming the character we all know and love to hate, Darth Vader in Revenge of the Sith. 

Deciding I may have given the new trilogy short shrift upon my initial viewings,  I decided to watch them again today. And I am somewhat saddened to report that they are no better now, than when I first saw them.

It has recently been revealed that Lucas never actually intended to make a trilogy of trilogies, but rather wrote the original Star Wars because he wanted to make a Flash Gordon movie, only to find the rights unavailable. So it should come as no no surprise when 20-odd years later, Lucas sat down to write the series' prequels, he had nothing really worth saying. 

Not that he was the greatest writer to begin with. In fact, one of the original trilogy's most famous lines was ad-libbed by Harrison Ford, after several takes using Lucas' original. But the dialog in the prequels is among Lucas' worst, and poor miss Portman comes off sounding like an ill-bred hillbilly, rather than royalty. And it doesn't help that Christensen's 'skills' as an actor fall far short of the rest of the cast. Though to be fair,  Samuel L. Jackson, Ewan McGregor and Christopher Lee all sound silly spouting Lucas' lame dialog.

Advance reviews for Darren Aronofsky's (The Wrestler) latest film have been pretty much off the charts, and Portman is being touted for an Oscar nomination almost four months before Black Swan's official release date. Having spent five seasons working with NYC Ballet as an actor in their Education programs, I know that ballet dancers can be... odd. Even odder than actors, if you can believe that. Their days are made up of both grueling physical pain and artistic expression, a combination which can make for some intense personalities, especially among it's stars. If you've ever seen The Turning Point, you have some idea of what I'm talking about. So it comes as no surprise to me that Aronofsky should want to explore the dark side of dance... I've seen it up close and personal, as they say, and am looking forward to seeing both his take on it, and Ms. Portman's much ballyhooed performance. In case you've missed it, here's the trailer:

It is my fervent hope that Black Swan will finally be the movie that erases the last three Star Wars films from audiences' collective consciousness, at least as far as Natalie Portman is concerned. Of course, I'm much more excited about her involvement in the film adaptation of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, than anything. But that's just me...

More, anon.

Prospero

Singing in the Reign

I was going to do a post about the Emmy Awards tonight, but I became so enraged at NBC's sound engineers for making most of what the usually hilarious John Hodges Hodgman had to say unintelligible, that I turned it off. I was also upset that the Academy didn't recognize the genius of Michael Emerson's performance on the final season of "Lost," though I must admit to being thrilled by Kyra Sedgwick's win for her work on the always excellent "The Closer."

I know I just blogged about Gene Kelly and his extraordinary dancing prowess. But I ran across the video below on Bits and Pieces, and just had to take a few minutes to talk about it. 

This certainly isn't the first time that the song Singin' in the Rain has been used for a Sci-Fi movie. Most notoriously, it was used in Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange. The song is sung as Alex (Malcolm McDowell) and his 'droogies' commit a heinous home invasion and rape. I couldn't embed a clip, but you can see it here. I love that the doorbell in that scene plays the first four notes of Beethoven's 9th Symphony... Death certainly knocked on the door that evening...

So, what does it mean when an Imperial Stormtrooper and his two Mini-Mes do their own version of the iconic number? I have no idea. I just know it's fun. Enjoy:

A packed rehearsal schedule for Top Girls and the seasonal shift change at the day job may mean that Uncle P might not be posting much this week, though I promise to do my best to keep you informed and entertained (assuming I do either if those things for you).

More, anon.

Prospero

Masquerade

Even before I knew I would spend my life playing make-believe in front of paying audiences, I loved movies. One of the few things I can thank my father for... Ironically, it was Dad who introduced me to the first male I would fall in love with, King Kong. And as I discovered more great horror films, I started to appreciate the artistry that went into creating the special effects. And in particular, the makeup and masks.

When I was younger, I collected a few extraordinary pieces from here and there (and still have one or two). Lord knows I've made my fair share, mostly for Shakespearean shows (And I do still have Benedick's; Beatrice's; Romeo's and Juliet's). The most elaborate mask I ever made was for the first production of The Tempest I did, in college. I was playing Gonzalo in what was a ridiculous Persian-themed production. The director, knowing I was unhappy, thought he'd cheer me up and asked me to design Caliban's makeup and one of Ariel's masks. I did the best I could withe the stupendously bad Creature from the Black Lagoon body suit and headpiece they gave the poor fellow playing Caliban, so I was sort of forced to go reptilian with the make-up. But I managed to insert a private joke into the design of Ariel's mask - a live-action Easter Egg, if you will. I modeled it after David Lee Roth's cover for Eat 'Em and Smile. No one got it until the high school matinees. And the poor director couldn't understand why every high school matinee audience laughed at that scene, when no one else had.

And my sweet K gave me the mask you see me wearing in my profile. It is truly an extraordinary work of Venetian craftsmanship and the only mask I display in my living room. Above my desk here in the home office, is a lovely wood-carved mask of the Serene Buddha, given to me by my sister. The simple lines and natural wood color variations are in perfect compliment to the subject matter, and looking at it helps to remind me that calm and clear can see you through just about anything.

Masks have been around as long as humans have. Like Theatre itself, masks were first (and in many places still are) made for use in religious ceremonies. In Ancient Greece, actors wore gigantic masks with megaphones built in, so the huge audiences could hear what they were saying and clearly see the expressions on their faces. Pagan religions in ancient Europe used masks to evade evil spirits (a holdover to the modern holiday of Halloween), and during the Black Plague, people wore "Plague Masks" in hopes of fooling the disease into thinking they were birds, which did not contract the plague. For centuries, masks have allowed revelers in Venice to be anonymously wicked during Carnival, in the weeks leading up to Lent.

In modern genre films, there are probably two legendary masks of note: Darth Vader and Michael Meyers. By now we all know that Michael Meyers' mask was a store-bought Captain Kirk mask. That's right - it's Shatner. The costumer widened the eye-holes a bit, painted the whole thing white and teased the hell out of the hair, et voila! An icon is born. As for Vader, while I'm sure George Lucas had a pretty good idea of what he wanted (back when he was sane, at least), it was up to Oscar-winning costume designer John Mollo to create the iconic black geo-head we've all come to know and love.

So, what brings on all this talk of masks, you may well be asking (and even if you're not, I'm going to tell you). Today (I think on CNN) I came across this story about Conrad Zdzierak, a Polish national who used a very expensive silicone mask to disguise himself as a black man while robbing banks and pharmacies. He bought the mask, known as The Player, from SPFXMasks where it retails for $689.00. Zdzierak was known as "The Hairless Robber." If you'll note in SFPX's description of The Player: "The Player mask does NOT come with hair or eyebrows unless ordered custom."

Here's a video of SPFX's $789.00 "Lucifer" mask:

Impressive, aren't they?

Masked bandits are nothing new. A bandanna and a Colt 45 were de riguer for 19th century robbers. Of course, if I were a really smart criminal, I wouldn't be using a product I bought off the Internet to disguise myself. I can't imagine there are very many folks out there buying $700 to $800 masks, online. Is it any wonder they caught this guy? I guess he was maybe a little smarter than these guys, but still. Masks can disguise many things, but stupid always seems to make itself known.

And on that note, I leave you with this:

I won't go into the concept of personal masks, for this post. Of course, that doesn't preclude a future post on the subject. For now, I'll just say how much I love the right masks in the right situations, and leave it at that.

More, anon.
Prospero

The Geekiest Thing You'll See This Week

This is a picture of a young person named "Pickle." Or, at least, someone called "Pickle." As it happens, I actually went to high school (and performed on stage) with a kid who was nick-named "Pickle."

The "Pickle" in this picture is not my high school friend. I have no idea where either of these "Pickles" are, but if you were called "Pickle" in high school, went to Woodrow Wilson and was in Bye, Bye Birdie and Godspell there, look me up on Facebook. And, like a great "Simpsons" episode, this opening actually has very little to do with the brunt of this post (I love that word. "Brunt." So butch!).

Anyhoo... This is really more about the fact that the Pickle in this picture is apparently a huge Star Wars fan and he (I think it's a he - I can't imagine a girl being called "Pickle." That wouldn't be appropriate at all, would it?) is simply the first amusing result I found on Google Images for "Star Wars fan."

So then, this post is really about two very special kinds of geeks (both of which I am proud to call myself). So watch this video, and then come back for the discussion. 'We'll tawk; we'll have cawfee. No big whoop.'

As I said, this advertisement appeals to two very specific (though often over-lapping) kinds of fanboys. First, and most obviously, it is aimed at Star Wars geeks. My friend Dan is a massive Star Wars and Star Trek geek. Whenever I come across Geek News, I email it to him (this time I'm emailing a link to this post - Hi Danny! Love ya!). Personally, while I like both franchises, there's a special place in my heart for the original Star Wars trilogy. I was in high school (ah - a link to the opening paragraphs - genius!) when the first movie came out. Having grown up on American Sci-Fi from the 50's and 60's and Japanese Sci-Fi from the 60's and 70's, I expected little more than an action-oriented version of The Green Slime. Needless to say, like for everyone else seeing that movie on a big screen for the first time, Star Wars was a revelatory experience. I imagine audiences seeing the original King Kong felt much the same way. So yes, I fall in to the first category, though not as deeply as some.

The second Geek Squad is comprised of fans obsessed with film scores and soundtracks. Of the nearly 700 CDs in my collection, the vast majority of them are films scores and/or soundtracks. From the obscure (Forbidden Zone) to the seminal (A Clockwork Orange); the abstract (Howard Shore's glorious scores for The Fly and The Cell) to the iconic (Bernard Herrman's Psycho), and just about every thing in-between. It is here that I really let my freak flag fly. there are few films without scores, but many films that would have been dismal failures wihout them. That rhythmic bass from Jaws; the 'screaming violins' from Psycho; Darth Vader's March from Star Wars... iconic notes from today's modern classical composers; as integral to those films' successes as the script, direction, camera-work, lighting, costumes, scenery and performances.

Man, I really am a movie geek, aren't I? sigh...
More, anon.
Prospero

The Next Gayest Thing You'll See This Week

Is Boba Fett gay? Well according to The Cartoon Network's 'Adult Swim' show "Robot Chicken," he is.

While surfing for movie news and trailers (more on those, in a bit), I stumbled upon a story on i09 about Sci-Fi's "Silent But Deadly" characters. One commenter complained that Boba Fett (the bounty hunter from Star Wars) was not included. Another commenter responded by including the below YouTube clip from "Robot Chicken."

Now we know that Boba Fett was the original DNA donor for the clones in The Clone Wars. And we know he was cloned from his father, Jango Fett (God this makes me sound like a total Star Wars geek, doesn't it?).

What we didn't apparently know, is that Boba Fett wanted Han Solo for reasons other than the bounty paid by Jabba the Hutt (and they are much the same reasons most of wanted Han Solo).

So, without further ado, I give you Robot Chicken's "Boba Fett's True Feelings:"

'Nuff said.

More, very anon.

Prospero

Star Wars?

Here's a hilarious little video of the Star Wars trilogy by someone who's never seen the entire thing. I love the editing and animation. And she almost gets so many things right. Almost. (via)

Star Wars: Retold (by someone who hasn't seen it) from Joe Nicolosi on Vimeo.

More, anon.
Prospero