Who Would Chuck Norris Hate?

Before I start another rant, I really must apologize for embedding that stupid "motion poster" for Conan, instead of just linking to it. If you haven't figured it out yet, you can turn the audio off by clicking the button at the bottom right corner of the poster. Another couple of posts and it will move into Older Posts and you won't have to bother turning it off, anyway. I promise to not make that mistake again, no matter how amazing the poster is.

Anyway, just when I thought it was safe to return to nonsense as usual, real-life nonsense reared it's ugly head again in the form of none other than ultra-conservative martial artist-turned-actor-turned ridiculous Internet meme, Chuck effing Norris, who has weighed in about the gays. Or should it be "the Gays?" I'm never sure... Anyway, the Bearded One has written an 'article' for Conservative Christian "news" site, WorldNetDaily in which he claims the American education system has been co-opted by the LGBT community and turned into"progressive indoctrination camps."

Now look, no one is really taking the political opinions of Chuck Norris seriously. Well, no one with half a brain, anyway. And as incensed as I initially found myself when I first came across the article on Towleroad, I finally went to the site to read it for myself, and was just slightly more than amused to find that an article on "Education" should contain the following sentence (and I am quoting verbatim, here):

"It is also no surprise that an average of 6,000 students every year is leaving the approximately 94,000 public schools in America."

Really, Chuck? 6,000 students... is leaving...? Seems to me that someone who has no business writing a letter home to Mom, shouldn't be opining on things which are also none of his business. Or maybe you is one of them kids which left school. Either way,

In a show of good faith and since I'm never afraid to admit when I'm wrong, the above passage has been retracted, and replaced with this paragraph. I can't be a pot calling a kettle names... especially when so many  Grammarians agree.

I hope to never visit this post again, but had to restore it after being vindicated by consulting an actual English major. The verb "leaving" refers to the action of the students, not the average  (which is a concept, rather than a person and logically cannot take action) and since "students" is plural, the modifying verb is conjugated in the plural: "6,000 students... are leaving..." 


Had I written the sentence, it would have read: "An average of 6000 students leave our approximately 94,000 public schools each year, but then I'm a douchebag Republican mouthpiece who'll say anything for money. Oh, and I hate queers." That's what I would have written for Chuck Norris' little essay on Education...


But I digress... back to the rest of the original post:

I have some news for you, Mr. Norris...

Society, Mr. Norris, has been progressive since its dawn. If it hadn't been, you'd be a Gladiator instead of pretending to be one. Or you'd be an indentured slave on a trade ship. You certainly wouldn't have been an actor. Nor would you have had the right to voice your backward opinions. Someone smarter and richer would have owned you Mr. Norris, if society hadn't progressed. Now, please go back to making bad movies and shilling exercise equipment, because there are a bunch of really backward people who will think their Redneck uberman actually knows what he's talking about. And that's really scary to the "progressives" who throughout history have only wanted to make life to be better for everyone. "Progress," Mr. Norris, is what allows you to type on a keyboard and transmit your narrow-minded article into the homes of tens of thousands via the Internet. I ask you, sir... without progress, where would you be? My guess is you'd still be cowering in a cave during thunderstorms, certain you'd angered a malevolent god in some way. 

Come out of your cave, Chuck and join the 21st Century. It's not at all what you think you're afraid of...

Okay - enough pontificating. Just to lighten the mood, here are some Dramatic Animals (via), after reading Norris' article:

There... that's better. I promise nonsense, next time.

More, anon.

Prospero

*This post has been modified twice since it's original publication. Most recently on 3/11/11.

I Actually COULD Care Less

Few things make your Uncle P crazier than bad grammar. Now, I'm not talking about the occasional typo or misspelling. I never had a typing class in my life and I have been known to misspell and/or mistype on occasion. But the abuse of the English language (admittedly, the most ridiculously difficult language on the planet) just drives me to the brink of insanity (as if I weren't already close to it, as it is).

In particular, the misuse of several phrases makes me want to send everyone back to repeat the 5th Grade. This post's title is one of them. The phrase "I could care less" implies that one cares, at least a little bit. What people mean to say is "I could not (or couldn't) care less." I bring this up because I read a post tonight by a blogger whose opinions I generally respect and with whom I usually agree, in which said blogger actually typed the words "I could care less,' when he really meant the exact opposite. This is not only bad grammar, but lazy speech and (even worse) lazy writing. Is it any wonder the U.S. Education System is failing on almost every level?

And of course, the other phrase that makes me want to pull my hair out by the roots is : "a whole nother." Folks, I am pleased to inform you that there is NO SUCH WORD as "nother." It should be either "another whole" or "a whole other." I've heard national newscasters use this un-word on air, and it makes me want to smash my TV with a sledge hammer. This isn't rocket science, folks. It's basic English, supposedly (and don't get me started on people who say "supposably") taught to you when you were 10 years-old.

Almost as bad (at least in my book), is poor punctuation. In particular, the misuse of commas; colons; semi-colons and parentheses. As you have probably ascertained by now, even if you've only read one or two of my posts, I am quite fond of parenthetical sentences and phrases. But when I do use them, I make sure to punctuate them properly. A punctuation mark always goes after the closing parenthesis, unless the parenthetical sentence stands alone (which is rarely). And the semi-colon is probably the most misused punctuation mark; semi-colons should only be used when a new idea is presented as part of the same sentence or when writing lists in sentences in which commas have already been used. A comma should never be used before or after the the word "and" (as evidenced by the example just cited), and may be used before or after the word "but," at the writer's discretion. Apostrophes are used to denote contraction and possession: Leon's hos weren't bringing him the money they owed him, so he beat them until they gave him all of their johns' money. When the denotation of possession belongs to a plural group, the apostrophe always goes after the plural S.

You should be glad that I'm not about to go into the abuse of conjugational tenses, as that could lead to another three or four paragraphs which you won't read because you've already grown bored by this topic.

Confused? Who wouldn't be? Is there help? Of course. I highly suggest the purchase of The Elements of Style, by William Strunk, Jr. Written in in 1918, it is still the standard for use of grammar and punctuation when writing in English. Of course, language is fluid. Words and phrases come in and out of style with the regularity of hem-lengths. And of course, the rules of grammar vary from language to language. But in the English-speaking (and writing) world, grammar is a constant and those who ignore it, are doomed to be derided by pompous a-holes like me.

Okay. I feel better now. Another rant is over. If you are an English teacher or grammarian and have seen something in this post that is incorrect, by all means feel free to make a comment which derides my ignorance. Better you should correct me, than let me disperse misinformation. If you you are not an English teacher or grammarian, but you think I'm being an elitist a-hole (which I probably am), then feel free to call me on it. I'm a grown-up and can take whatever you dish out.

Back to my regularly scheduled nonsense, anon.
Prospero