Monday, April 9, 2012

Jinx on 'The Curious Adventures of Musicians in Horror'

Uncle P's first guest is Jinx, a lovely British lass who writes the horror blog Totally Jinxed.  She has a very British sense of humor and like me, often loves the more absurd aspects of really bad horror movies. Enjoy!

I was clearly born to be a rock star, I think that’s obvious, I’ve got the tattoos, the massive hair and I own a lot of leather and leopard print. Clearly all evidence points to my inherent rock staredness, except for one thing – I was tragically born with absolutely no musical talent whatsoever. None at all. It’s shocking. I can’t even clap in time. There are also several restraining orders in place that prevent me from even singing in company because it’s so horrible. I truly have the voice of tonally challenged deaf banshee. It’s quite tragic really, you should pity me.

Some people, though, don’t have this problem. Some people are so chock full of talent it’s brimming over, brimming over to such an extent the rock cannot contain it and it has to spurt majestically into other areas (I achieve much the same effect when I try to wear skinny jeans) and often the area it spurts into is horror, and we get to enjoy the bountiful outpourings.

Dee Snyder, Strangeland (1998):

In the 80s Dee Snider confused a lot of dads as the androgynous frontman of Twisted Sister. In the 90s Mr. Snider turned his considerable talent to horror to star in the self-penned Strangeland as sadistic madman Captain Howdy.  Captain Howdy enjoys heavy piercing, tattoos, suspension and long walks on the beach. As Captain Howdy Dee judges the nation’s kids as badly in need of experiencing the necessary rites of passage into adulthood, and by ‘rites of passage’ he means being locked up in his basement and ritualistically tortured by way of excessive piercing. He achieves this goal by using that new fangled internet thingy that all the kids are into. 

 Meatloaf, Wishcraft (2002):

Mr. Loaf has done his bit for the film industry; The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Fight Club, that perennial classic Spiceworld: The Movie, he’s done his bit and no one can say he hasn’t. He’s also done his bit for horror starring in a Tales from the Crypt ,the Masters of Horror Dario Argento directed Pelts and more recently Burning Bright. He also starred in Wishcraft, and Wishcraft is hil-ar-ious.

High school geek Brett Bumpers (hilarious in itself) receives bull cock in the mail that, somewhat surprisingly for the unmentionables of a bull, has the power to grant three wishes to whomever owns it. Turns out Brett isn’t as bright as his geek status might lead you to believe and he promptly wastes his cock wishes in pursuit of the resident high school hotty. While this inept wishing is going on obnoxious teens start dying at the hands of an inhumanly strong maniac. Meat Loaf investigates. I would watch a show called Meat Loaf Investigates. I imagine it would be kind of like The Equaliser but with extra Meat Loaf. Note to self: get my people to contact Meat’s people, (by ‘my people’ I suspect I mean my cats.) Meat Loaf plays Detective Sparky Shaw who gamely embarks on a bumbling hunt for the killer.

Lordi, Dark Floors (2008):

When Finnish pantomime metal band Lordi made history in 2006 by winning the Eurovision Song Contest* with a record 292 points I thought it was awesome. I actually watched it and was excited by the absurd defiance of the whole affair. When Lordi appeared in their first big-screen feature Dark Floors my overriding emotion was slightly different, I can only describe it as being heartily baffled. 

Lordi (They look kind of like Gwar to Uncle P)

A group of people get stranded in a hospital when it unexpectedly transpires it is actually a portal to another dimension. (Coincidently, tha tlast sentence is also my prediction for the star sign Aries today). Occasionally a member Lordi shows up and everyone runs away in a manner reminiscent of Scooby Doo. This goes on for a long time. Bizarre, silly and confusing, but with a high rock quotient. 

*High camp meeting of all Europe’s apparently least talented performers who compete to be designated the least awful act. Voting by the competing countries is hilariously political, needless to say Britain never wins, however, to be fair, Britain also has a habit of picking laughingly embarrassing acts, with the dubious exception of Bucks Fizz who took their clothes off to victory in 1981.  As a nation we have never forgotten this, much same as how we continually harp on about the 1966 World Cup. We are a great nation.

Deborah ‘Debbie’ Gibson, Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, (2009):

In the 80s Debbie Gibson was the blonde teen pop icon, pop today can’t hold a candle to her bubblegumness, she pisses on Brittany – metaphorically speaking, of course. She wrote her own songs and everything. Go, Gibson!

In recent years she has fittingly brought her peculiar brand of nostalgia to the horror genre starring in a variety of ‘mockbusters’ for the SyFy channel.

A bizarre ecological accident ,which seemingly serves as a warning to us all of the ramifications of mixing made up silly science and poor quality CGI without adequate safety precautions, unleashes two prehistoric monsters hellbent on eating everything in sight. Deb obviously plays an oceanographer charged to curtail the beasts’ feeding frenzy.

Go, go Gibson Mini-sub!

My favourite thing about any given SyFy movie is always ‘the science bit’ the bit where they irrationally ‘explain’ precisely why a giant worm/fish/moth/whatever is inexplicably attacking the general populace. There’s tons of illogical science in Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus, including one protracted scene where lots of sciencey liquid is continually transported between many test tubes for no apparent reason. Ultimately though the whole thing is solved by Deb having sex with another scientist, as all the best things are. Go, science!

Science in Action!

Strangely I’ve just realised that 3 out of 4 of my rock horror stars have made appearances in the Celebrity Apprentice, I am unsure what conclusion to draw from this statistic. However, I will say that Meat Loaf having an epic tantrum with Gary Busey because he thought he’d stolen his crayons was possibly my favourite TV moment from last year. TV gold!

Jinx will return in Further Adventures of Musicians in Horror at a Totally Jinxed near you. 

Jinx is a horror blogger from the UK. She likes whiskey and getting tattooed and she apologizes for any drop in quality at Caliban’s Revenge today, she accepts that it is solely her responsibility and in no way reflects on the talents of Prospero who is obviously awesome to the max.  

Uncle P, here. I promise I didn't make Jinx say that, but I love that she did. She's pretty awesome, herself!

More, anon.

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