Brutal Relax

I found the 15-minute Horror movie Brutal Relax on Bits and Pieces, a site that usually posts humorous jokes, videos and assorted Internet flotsam and jetsam. Blogger Jonco usually keeps it light and occasionally a little naughty (though nothing you'd be ashamed to be caught looking at by your mother). His motto is "We Scour the Web So You Don't Have To."

Every once in a while, Jonco posts something extraordinarily insane. Such is the case with this short Spanish Horror film. Sr Olivares is obviously a disturbed individual who is advised to take a nice relaxing vacation by his doctor, and told to remain calm, no matter what happens. 

Of course, we know that something exceptionally uncalming is about to happen. And boy, does it ever. Influenced by and referencing everything from Peter Jackson's Dead Alive (known as Brain Dead everywhere else but in the U.S.) to Jaws; Blood Beach; Night of the Demons; Humanoids from the Deep and God only knows what else, Brutal Relax is gruesome, disgusting, hilarious and creepy all at once. Directors Adrian Cardona, Rafa Dengra and David Munoz go way over the top in their twisted little tale of Sea-Zombies (?) and dead battery rage. Utilizing some terrific low-budget physical and CGI FX, the team behind this short is now on my radar and I look forward to what they might come with up with given a full budget and 90+ minutes of story-telling time.

Ladies and germs, I give you the best 15-minute Horror movie I've seen in recent memory, Brutal Relax (may be NSFW):

That speaks for itself, don't you think? I know I'll be avoiding beach mud for quite some time...

More, anon.

Prospero

The End of an Era

More, anon.
Prospero

I Scream, You Scream, We All Scream for... Scream 4?

Director Wes Craven's last film, My Soul to Take was a lame mash-up of movies he'd made before, as evidenced by my buddy Pax Romano's recent review over at Billy Loves Stu. Of course, Craven is one of the pioneers of modern horror, having written and/or directed the original versions of The Last House on the Left; The Hills Have Eyes and A Nightmare on Elm Street. Craven also helmed the non-horror movies Music of the Heart and Red Eye (the latter being an above-average thriller about terrorists attempting to assassinate the Vice President, starring Rachel McAdams and doe-eyed Cillian Murphy). He also directed the underrated voodoo thriller The Serpent and the Rainbow and the nightmarish The People Under the Stairs, as well as more than few failures like Deadly Friend; A Vampire in Brooklyn and the wretched werewolf movie, Cursed.

In the late 90's, Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson created one of his better franchises with Scream, a movie that deliberately pointed out the conventions of the slasher genre, while turning the genre on its ear. Two sequels followed and after 2000's Scream 3, we all thought we'd seen the last of the many incarnations of 'Ghostface.' Flash forward 11 years and Craven and Williamson are back (along with original cast members Neve Campbell, Courtney Cox and David Arquette) for Scream 4, scheduled for release on April 15th (a day that makes many people scream, though for different reasons). Original target Sidney Prescott (Campbell) has returned to her hometown on the final leg of her self-help book promotion tour, only to find things haven't really changed that much - except perhaps the rules of slasher horror.

Campbell, Cox and Arquette are joined by the next generation of B-list stars which includes Hayden Panattiere ("Heroes"); Emma Roberts; Anthony Anderson; Adam Brody and Rory Culkin. Oh, and film and TV legend Mary McDonnell (Dances with Wolves; "Battlestar Gallactica;" "The Closer: " Donnie Darko) is also on hand.

So, will Craven and Williamson pull off another box-office and critical success? Hard to say. Neither have a great track record of late. Williamson wrote the very silly alien invasion movie The Faculty as well as the script for Craven's abysmal Cursed. And we all now know what was going on with Cox and Arquette while they were making the movie. The trailer is promising... I think. But only time will tell. What do you think? Will Scream 4 (or SCRE4M as it's also known) be a hit or a miss? Let me know your thoughts in the comments. You know how much I love it when you do.

More, anon.

Prospero

Egg On My Face

So, last night I took another website's news as true and posted about Joseph Gordon Levitt's reported role as Alberto "Holiday" Falcone in The Dark Knight Rises, Christopher Nolan's third (and supposedly final) entry in Warner Batman franchise.

Well, it turns out (according to Entertainment Weekly) that this information was wrong. EW.com is reporting that JGL is in fact, not playing Holiday in the upcoming threequel. So, what role might he actually be playing?

Personally, I think Joe would be perfect as The Riddler, but that wouldn't tie up the trilogy in the way Nolan has already expressed he'd like to do. Of course, Marion Cotillard as Talia al Ghul would go a long toward that end. Still, I'm left to wonder what part the talented young Levitt might actually be playing in the film. Robin? Unlikely, considering that Nolan has often expressed his disdain for the character.

Of course, there's Anarky, a child-prodigy intent on over-throwing the government. And Firefly, the pyromaniac orphan. Or any number of villains in the DC pantheon... Personally, I don't really care who he's playing in the film, as long as he's in it. Levitt has been a favorite of mine ever since he made a name for himself as Tommy on the hilarious alien sitcom, "3rd Rock from the Sun" where he held his own amongst the likes of Jane Curtain and the incomparable John Lithgow (who just tonight had a brilliant appearance as Barney's father on CBS' "How I Met Your Mother").

Still, JGL fans shouldn't despair. His latest film Hesher, is scheduled for release later this year:

Hesher co-stars Black Swan's  Natalie Portman, Rainn Wilson and Carrie's mom, Piper Laurie. It looks... interesting, if nothing else. I'll probably catch it On Demand. And as soon as I know what role Levitt is actually playing in The Dark Knight Rises, I'll share with all of you.

More, anon.
Prospero

Bat News

Word is finally out (via Total Film) on the role that Christopher Nolan has given to the talented Joseph Gordon-Levitt in The Dark Knight Rises. It seems that former "3rd Rock from the Sun" and Inception star will be playing Alberto Falcone (AKA Holiday), son of Carmine Falcone, who was played by Tom Wilkinson in Batman Begins.

No word yet on how large a part Holiday will play in the film, though it makes sense to bring the character into play to tie the trilogy up. Still, many folks are up in arms over how many villains Nolan is loading into his final entry in the franchise. We already know that hottie Tom Hardy will be playing Bane and Ann Hathaway is Catwoman. And there are rumors that Marion Cotillard has been cast as the daughter of Ra's al Ghul (Liam Neesom). And let's not forget that Cillian Murphy's Scarecrow is still on the loose. So that leaves five potential villains for the Dark Knight to contend with... 

And we all know how well multiple villains played out in Sam Raimi's Spider-Man trilogy. Not that I'm comparing... as much as I love all of Raimi's films, Nolan is by far the better director. Still... 

I imagine all of this will lead to a three+ hour Batman movie. Will movie-goers flock to a LOTR-sized comic book hero movie? Probably. I know I'll be in line for The Dark Knight Rises on opening weekend in July of 2012. Nolan always seems to manage to give me a wonderful birthday gift every two years.

And speaking of movies I can't wait to see, D and I will be seeing Zack Snyder's Sucker Punch next weekend. You can be sure I'll be reviewing it as soon as I get home.

Snyder has proven he can deliver when it comes to amazing visuals with his previous films Dawn of the Dead, 300 and Watchmen. But all of them those were adaptations of material that already existed. I can't wait to see what he has in store with his first completely original film...

More, anon.
Prospero

The Dumbest Blonde Alive?

That's former SNL cast member Victoria Jackson. In the late 90's, Jackson was the show's resident "Dumb Blonde," much like Goldie Hawn was on "Laugh-In." She was often funny and occasionally hilarious (as in this sketch, "Victoria's Secrets"). She was a cast member during some of SNL's better years, along with the brilliant (and sorely missed) Phil Hartman.

 

Of course, no one knew at the time that she was certifiably insane...

What makes me say that, you may well ask. Well, let's take a look at some of Victoria's recent activities, shall we?

Among some of the rather inane claims she's made of late: President "Obama is a Communist." Yup, she actually said that. Here's proof:

And that's not the only time she's said that. She actually wrote a 'song' about it:

Now, I always thought she was just playing a character on SNL (just like Goldie did on "Laugh-In"). I thought, "No one can really be that stupid, can they?" Apparently, I was wrong. Because Victoria Jackson is really that stupid, as evidenced by her latest song about Muslims (via):

What!? What!? Really? Muslims want to take down the Statue of Liberty? I... I really don't know how to respond to such idiocy. To make matters worse, Jackson recently wrote an article for the wingnut website WorldNetDaily where she shared this homophobic bit of 'wisdom,' and I am quoting verbatim:

"This new al-Qaida magazine for women has beauty tips and suicide-bomber tips! Gimme a break! That is as ridiculous as two men kissing on the mouth! And I don't care what is politically correct. Everyone knows that two men on a wedding cake is a comedy skit, not an 'alternate lifestyle'! There I said it! Ridiculous!

"Did you see 'Glee' this week? Sickening! And, besides shoving the gay thing down our throats, they made a mockery of Christians – again! I wonder what their agenda is? Hey, producers of 'Glee' – what's your agenda? One-way tolerance?" 

Yes, I deliberately made that quote pink.

I do have a question, though... Victoria, if you find "Glee" so offensive, why are you watching it? Maybe your 'cop' husband finds all the girl-on-girl kissing on "Glee" titillating? You certainly don't seem to have a problem with that. Hmmm... maybe there's a reason you haven't been part of the real Entertainment Industry since you left (or rather, were dumped by) SNL. I suppose your firing had nothing nothing at all to do with your right-wing, lunatic views... 

If Ms Jackson (as do many conservative Christians) has a problem with gay people, there's nothing you or I can do or say to make her think otherwise. All we can do is point out what an imbecile she is and hope that intelligent folks (i.e. anyone who doesn't watch Fox News) know better than to listen to a has-been comedienne who is desperately trying to make herself relevant by aligning herself with the Teaparty morons who think they can impose antiquated views of society on smarter people than themselves.

Look, I'm not saying that everyone has to share my beliefs or opinions, but I am saying that celebrities (relevant or not), have a responsibility to educate themselves before making inane statements and passing judgment on things about which they have no real information. And trust me, Fox News is not real information.  

More, anon.

Prospero

Creepy Face Is Creepy

Our old friend Pareidolia is back, with a twisted vengeance. To many people, bugs are creepy enough as it is (though I only really have a problem with houseflies, because they eat feces). Add a creepy, one-eyed, mustachioed cowboy hidden in the folds of their insectoid anatomy, and many folks just lose their sh*t. Like my poor sister did. "I won't sleep for a week," she emailed me in response to my sending her this picture.

The folks at Icanhascheezburger (LOLCats) have an entire blog devoted to this topic, called Happy Chair is Happy. Of course, most of the images there are of inanimate objects, which most rational adults can look at with humor and move on. But when an image such as the one above belongs to a living thing, people tend to freak out a little. Of course, the freak-outs tend to be a little more extreme when the images are perceived to be of a religious or "holy" nature.

I love that so many people can be fooled by these images. We are conditioned from birth to recognize certain things, especially our own mothers' faces. Is it really surprising we should continue to do so throughout the rest of our lives? But knowing the difference between reality and coincidence is what separates the fools from the rationalists. Am I saying that there is a difference between the guy who sees Jesus on a toasted English muffin and the guy who admits that the random pattern of toaster marks might resemble the face of Jesus (as if anyone who didn't live 2011 years ago in Jerusalem would know the difference, anyway)? Yes. Yes, I am.

And while it may be fun and exciting to see Mother Teresa's face in the folds of a cinnamon bun, it's no more important (or miraculous) than recognizing Godzilla in a cloud off the coast of New England or a cowboy on the shoulder of a grasshopper.

More, anon.

Prospero