Monday, March 7, 2011

Who Would Chuck Norris Hate?


Before I start another rant, I really must apologize for embedding that stupid "motion poster" for Conan, instead of just linking to it. If you haven't figured it out yet, you can turn the audio off by clicking the button at the bottom right corner of the poster. Another couple of posts and it will move into Older Posts and you won't have to bother turning it off, anyway. I promise to not make that mistake again, no matter how amazing the poster is.

Anyway, just when I thought it was safe to return to nonsense as usual, real-life nonsense reared it's ugly head again in the form of none other than ultra-conservative martial artist-turned-actor-turned ridiculous Internet meme, Chuck effing Norris, who has weighed in about the gays. Or should it be "the Gays?" I'm never sure... Anyway, the Bearded One has written an 'article' for Conservative Christian "news" site, WorldNetDaily in which he claims the American education system has been co-opted by the LGBT community and turned into"progressive indoctrination camps."

Now look, no one is really taking the political opinions of Chuck Norris seriously. Well, no one with half a brain, anyway. And as incensed as I initially found myself when I first came across the article on Towleroad, I finally went to the site to read it for myself, and was just slightly more than amused to find that an article on "Education" should contain the following sentence (and I am quoting verbatim, here):

"It is also no surprise that an average of 6,000 students every year is leaving the approximately 94,000 public schools in America."

Really, Chuck? 6,000 students... is leaving...? Seems to me that someone who has no business writing a letter home to Mom, shouldn't be opining on things which are also none of his business. Or maybe you is one of them kids which left school. Either way,

In a show of good faith and since I'm never afraid to admit when I'm wrong, the above passage has been retracted, and replaced with this paragraph. I can't be a pot calling a kettle names... especially when so many  Grammarians agree.

I hope to never visit this post again, but had to restore it after being vindicated by consulting an actual English major. The verb "leaving" refers to the action of the students, not the average  (which is a concept, rather than a person and logically cannot take action) and since "students" is plural, the modifying verb is conjugated in the plural: "6,000 students... are leaving..." 


Had I written the sentence, it would have read: "An average of 6000 students leave our approximately 94,000 public schools each year, but then I'm a douchebag Republican mouthpiece who'll say anything for money. Oh, and I hate queers." That's what I would have written for Chuck Norris' little essay on Education...


But I digress... back to the rest of the original post:

I have some news for you, Mr. Norris...

Society, Mr. Norris, has been progressive since its dawn. If it hadn't been, you'd be a Gladiator instead of pretending to be one. Or you'd be an indentured slave on a trade ship. You certainly wouldn't have been an actor. Nor would you have had the right to voice your backward opinions. Someone smarter and richer would have owned you Mr. Norris, if society hadn't progressed. Now, please go back to making bad movies and shilling exercise equipment, because there are a bunch of really backward people who will think their Redneck uberman actually knows what he's talking about. And that's really scary to the "progressives" who throughout history have only wanted to make life to be better for everyone. "Progress," Mr. Norris, is what allows you to type on a keyboard and transmit your narrow-minded article into the homes of tens of thousands via the Internet. I ask you, sir... without progress, where would you be? My guess is you'd still be cowering in a cave during thunderstorms, certain you'd angered a malevolent god in some way. 

Come out of your cave, Chuck and join the 21st Century. It's not at all what you think you're afraid of...

Okay - enough pontificating. Just to lighten the mood, here are some Dramatic Animals (via), after reading Norris' article:







There... that's better. I promise nonsense, next time.
More, anon.
Prospero

*This post has been modified twice since it's original publication. Most recently on 3/11/11.




8 comments:

Michael Offutt said...

Chuck Norris is the conservative hero. Everyone knows though that Bruce Lee kicked his ass.

Anonymous said...

hmm..."Mr" Norris IS an idiot for posting such opinions in 2011 (or ever, really), but his editor may be on the ball, i'm not sure: the "is" would refer to "an average" not the "6000"...so is the word average considered a plural word or not...? where's Sister Cecilia and her higher grammatical knowledge when you need it?

Stephen said...

Yeah, take that Chuck Norris!!!

Sean said...

An average refers to the number 6,000. If you remove an average from the sentence, then the sentence would read, "no surprise that 6,000 students every year are leaving the approximately 94,000 public schools."

Prospero said...

Just read it aloud - "is" doesn't scan at all.

jq said...

nope, nope -- gotta keep at this one, at least for one more go 'round.. with the word "average" in there, it is the word that the "is" pertains to. "of 6000" is a phrase that modifies the word "average". So: if average is consdiered a singular, the "is" is correct, tho it may sound odd; if "average" is a plural, tho, the "is" IS incorrect...! -- whew --

Kat said...

Sorry, not even close. You have to figure out who is doing the leaving. All you have to do is ask yourself, "Who is leaving? The students ARE leaving."

Kat said...

JQ, the grammar is incorrect. The verb leaving pertains to the students, not "an average of 6000". Just ask yourself, "Who is leaving?" and you get the answer, Students ARE leaving.