Happy Mothers' Day!

Shhh! That's a picture of Uncle P's real-life Mom. She'd kill me if she knew I had posted it. This was about two years ago in the Lorikeet exhibit at the Lowry Park Zoo in Tampa, sometime during the week before Mothers' Day.  My sister, the BIL and myself had our portraits taken for her that year. She cried. I'm guessing from the giant sunglasses, that she was traveling incognito for some reason.

Mom may be getting on in years, but she can be pretty amusing when she wants to be and even more so, unintentionally. She's the Queen of Mispronunciation and Spoonerisms. A few years ago while watching "America's Test Kitchen" on PBS, she malaproped the title as "Test Chicken," which it remains to this day. Mom has always had atrocious hand-writing; can't spell to save her life and pig-headedly refuses to believe that she is losing her hearing.

Mom changed our diapers; kissed our boo-boos; got down on the floor to play with us. Mom taught us to read at 4 (and got in trouble with both 1st grade teachers for doing so). She fought for us when she needed to and punished us when we were wrong. She told us to never say "can't" and taught us to never be afraid to voice our opinions (Hmmm - who'd have ever guessed that?). She refuses to acknowledge the existence of passive aggression ("That doesn't even make sense. How can that be a real thing?"), but she sure has the practice of using it down to a T. And of course, no one knows how to push buttons like our mothers. You can be married for 30 years and your partner will never be able to make you as crazy as your mother can (or get there in less time).

Oh, please don't get me wrong. I really love my mother. And my sister and I know both know she loves us. She's often told us that growing up, she only ever wanted to a be mother. She also says my sister and I are the best things to happen to her in her life, and that we're only good thing to come out of her 27-year marriage to a bitter jackass. And I know she only stuck it out for my sister and I. Because that's what moms do. Everything is centered forever and ever around the needs, wants and hopes of their children and they'll do whatever it takes to see that they get them.

Truth be told, my mom is pretty terrific. And if your mom is /was 1/10th as terrific as mine, you're a pretty danged lucky person! I mean, we all can't be raised by movie stars:

...or Warrior Queens:




...or Women of Faith:



I hope all of you appreciate your mom just a little more, after that..

Love you, Mom!

More, anon.
Prospero

King of the Jungle

Not that I ever want Caliban's Revenge to be about the same things over and over, but it's not nearly about hot men enough for my tastes. Combine hot men and movies... well. A little gratuitous skin in the guise of a semi-serious discussion about movies, anyone? I'm in.

 

With the upcoming John Carter of Mars and the return of Conan, I thought it may well be time to resurrect yet another classic character, Edgar Rice Burroughs' Tarzan of the Apes. The last serious attempt was Greystoke, starring Christopher Lambert and Andie McDowell in her film premiere; a performance so incomprehensible that Glen Close was brought in to dub every single line of her dialog.

Of course, Tarzan movies have been around almost as long as the character has. 1918 Tarzan made his film debut with Elmo Lincoln in the title role. In the 1930's and 40's Tarzan was played on screen by several actors, including Buster Crabbe; Bruce Bennett and Glenn Morris. But it's Olympic swimmer Johnny Weissmuller who is most associated with the character, having played Tarzan in 12 films from 1932 to 1964. 

After Weissmuller came Lex Barker; Gordon Scott; Mike Henry; and Jock Mahoney, among others. While all of them were able to pull of the loincloth, not all of them were really right for the character who in Burroughs' books is a British royal raised by apes. These actors could n't be more American-looking if they tried. But the best example of this is from the 52 episodes of the 1966 - 1968 NBC Series "Tarzan," which starred the the whitest-looking actor they could find in Ron Ely. The preppy-looking Ely was as ridiculous as the show's premise in which Lord Greystoke has tired of his educated life and returned to protect the jungle home in which he was raised. This Tarzan mostly fought poachers, if I remember correctly. If he did fight an animal, it was only to save a fellow human being. There were quite a few Tarzans between then and director John Derek's 1981 stinker starring O'Keefe and Jonathan Harris, which which simply a super softcore showcase for the then superstar wife, Bo Derek (10).

You gotta love a movie that isn't afraid to have soaking wet Bo Derek utter lines like "I'm still a virgin..." while coyly munching a banana with a half-naked savage in the middle of a waterfall pool.

Joe Lara took on the role for a CBS TV movie in 1989 and an unrelated syndicated series, "Tarzan: The Epic Adventures," which ran for one season.

1998 saw Casper Van Dien (Starship Troopers) once again attempt to prove he's not as dumb as looks in 1998's Tarzan and the Lost City. Dreadful doesn't even begin to describe this completely inept movie. 

Then 1999 saw the House of Mouse's take on the property with an animated musical version featuring songs by Phil Collins -- who, (IMHO) completely ruined Genesis - but that's a discussion for another topic.  

And even though Tarzan wasn't one of their biggest hits, Disney tried to recreate their previous Broadway successes with a stage version starring Josh Strickland (pictured at the top of this post). The show ran for 14 months, despite complaints from patrons who paid top dollar for orchestra seating, half of which had exceptionally obstructed views for a full third of the first act. It may not have had the technical difficulties of a certain Superhero musical currently struggling on Broadway, but it was Disney's first Broadway flop after monster hits with Beauty and the Beast and The Lion King. 

In 2003, the WB tried to resurrect the character again in their own series. It starred Travis Fimmel and lasted all of 8 episodes.

You can see a fairly comprehensive list of actors who have played Tarzan on film and television here.

So Uncle P was thinking maybe it's time to reboot the character again, but return to the source material. An iconic character deserves a good modern version, set in the correct period with reverence to the source. Burroughs' prolific output provides material for a long-running franchise, if it's done right. And a lot of that has to do with casting. 

With that in mind, I'm going to offer up a few choices for who might make a good Tarzan in a reboot and ask you to tell me who you think would be the perfect Tarzan.

Who Shouold Play Tarzan in a Modern Reboot?

Taylor Kitsch

Jason Mamoa

Travis Fimmel

Josh Strickland

Josh Halloway

Chris Hemsworth

Taylor Lautner

View ResultsVote Now

Create an online survey quiz or web poll

Taylor Kitsch0%

Jason Mamoa0%

Travis Fimmel0%

Josh Strickland0%

Josh Halloway0%

Chris Hemsworth0%

Taylor Lautner0%

Other: (Please specify)0%

Create an online survey quiz or web poll

I can't wait to see the results!

More, anon.
Prospero

Do Over: Hot Super Edition.

Let's try this again, shall we? This post's original title was "Supers Hot" but after the great Firefox Fail of 2011, I tweaked it.

This weekend sees the first of three in Marvel's Avengers saga, Thor. Relative newcomer Chris Hemsworth stars as one of Stan Lee's odder Supers, in that he is neither human nor alien, but an actual Norse god trapped on Earth. My only associations to the character are the 70's Saturday cartoon version and an astonishingly young and gorgeous Vincent D'Onofrio in Adventures in Baby Sitting, which leaves me actually looking forward to seeing what a director like Kenneth Brannaugh does with material that is probably among the more absurd Super Heroes in the Marvel universe.

Marvel also has another specimen of male perfection in Captain America: The First Avenger. Starring the stunnningness that is Chris Evans (above) as Steve Rogers/Captain America, a 90 lb weakling who forgoes Charles Atlas and volunteers for a secret military experiment to create a Super Soldier Ironically, there's an iconic cover featuring Cap punching Hitler in the face. And if I remember, weren't Addie and Hermie actually trying to create a race of Ubermensch ? Anyway, Captain America has been since WWII and has almost as long a history as Superman. Like many comic book Supers, Steve Rogers is no longer the Captain in the current version of the comic, having been replaced at least once, but I couldn't tell you by whom. Hit-or-Miss director Joe Johnston has his work cut out for him in tying in a character from a different era into the set-in-the present Avengers. Of course, I've had my eye on Evans ever since his debut in Larry Cohen's ridiculous but thoroughly entertaining Cellular, which also starred My Obsession. Evans just gets better and better... and his acting has improved, as well... (rimshot). Watch this while I go cool off:

And Marvel competitor, DC isn't sitting out the summer. The also stunning Ryan Reynolds is Hal Jordan, aka Green Lantern. After an alien crash lands on Earth, Jordan finds himself in possession of a mysterious ring and lamp, which the dying ET in the UFO says chose him. Hal has been designated arth's Green Lantern, one of thousands throughout the Universe. The mostly green-screen and CGI movie also stars Peter Sarsgaard; Mark Strong; Geoffrey Rush and Tim Robbins. 

Reynolds may not be the best actor in the world, but he's not terrible. And I know lots of folks who could spend hours just looking at him.... Too bad the costume is CGI, too. Then again, Ryan in real tights might just be too much to handle in a mature and respectful manner. The latest trailer makes Green Lantern look pretty a-frickin-mazing:

And while not exactly a comic book hero, pulp writer Robert E. Howard's Conan the Barbarian has been resurrected in the form of Pacific Islander Jason Mamoa, who could be rocketed to stardom (like Conan's first portrayer who went on to something... um...I want to say politcal? Conversely, he could be starring in his one and only major studio film. 

Mamoa was on "Baywatch," I guess. He had bad dreds, from all the pictures I could find. And he wasn't nearly as big. There's something about the shape of his eyebrows that bothers me, but they may just be enhanced for "barbaric" effect. And of course, it's not like they would be a deal-breaker, if you know what I mean. Mamoa's amazing body certainly looks more natural than the former Governor's did in the same role. Of course, 10 minutes with Mamoa's trainer would in all likelihood literally kill Uncle P. And then where would all of you be left? Sigh...

I hope you watched all those in Full Screen. And I hope you all realized that this Summer is the kind of summer gay fanboys dream about...

More, anon.
Prospero

The Gayest Placeholder You'll See This Week

Ryan James Yezak's gay Karaoke lip-dub version of Rhianna's 'Only Girl (In the World);" 'Only Gay In the World' is pretty sexy -- not to mention completely gratuitous - but I don't care... Enjoy...

More...

P

AUGH!!!!!!!!!

Firefox crashed and lost over an hour's worth of writing, copy/pasting, linking and embedding regardless of how many times I clicked "Save."

It's late. I'll try again tomorrow night (well, tonight, technically... I guess...)

More, anon
Prospero

Brainwashing Schmaimwashing

There's that good ole biblical scrub brush, trying to remove logic and free-thought from the minds of the faithful. And it seems to work pretty well, especially on the uneducated and the young, as evidenced by the video you are about to see.

My hilarious co-worker Mia (who made me the amazing Teddy Z) sent me this video, knowing I would find it both hysterically funny and deeply disturbing at the same time. It was uploaded to YouTube this past April, but imagine it was made in the mid 90's, when every white kid wanted to be Eminem (even the one's who weren't allowed to swear or rap about stuffing their girlfriends into the trunk of car and driving it off a bridge). Enjoy (if that's the right word) "Nu Thang" as performed by a talentless young man who no doubt rues the day this thang went viral:

My favorite comment on YouTube? "This may be the strongest argument that there is no God."  For Uncle P, it's the strongest argument against making kids go to church for hours on end and screaming Bible verses and tales of damnation at them until there are so filled with the "Holy Spirit" they produce crap like that video. I think going to church should be like drinking alcohol; no one under the age of 21 allowed. Kids' brains are mush, ready to believe whatever crap you throw at them: Santa Claus; the Easter Bunny; the Tooth Fairy and an invisible omniscient being who rules the Universe and demands your devotion and obeisance without a shred of proof of his existence. 

Of course, the most egregious example of these techniques are used against LGBTQ kids whose parents can't believe their loins may have produced something their own brainwashing has convinced them is EVIL... These poor kids are forced to attend mental laundromats where they are supposedly 'cured' of being gay. And there's a new documentary about such so-called "Ex-Gay" ministries. This Is What Love in Action Looks Like will premiere at the San Francisco LGBT Film Festival this June (via). It tells the story of Zach, who at the age of 16, was sent to just such a camp by his parents in 2005. 

These people make me so angry. Despite the fact the American Psychiatric Association removed homosexuality from their list of mental disorders over 40 years ago, these nut jobs think LGBT kids can "pray the gay away." Reputable psychologists and psychiatrists all agree that these programs do much more harm than good and that a person's sexuality is no more changeable than a shark's need to feed.

Okay - I'll admit I've been on an anti-religion kick of late. But these jerks just make me so crazy with their ignorance, fear and hate disguised as "the love of Jesus." I need a palate cleanser. I know - how about 1999's But I'm a Cheerleader starring Natasha Lyonne; Michelle Williams; Bud Cort; Mink Stole; Clea Duvall; Melanie Lynsky; Eddie Cibrian; RuPaul; Julie Delpy and the amazing Cathy Moriarity in a veritable Who's Who of Indy Film actors.

There. That's better.

More, anon.
Prospero

Casting Hell

Counting backwards, I have directed 10 out of the last 12 shows in which I have been involved. I held auditions today for the 11th... and I hated it.

Charles Busch's Die Mommie Die! should have been an easy show to cast. Indeed, we (The James Tolin Memorial Fund) chose the show in part because we knew we had an actor in our regular talent pool who could play the lead role. I had already cast 5 of the 6 parts in the show and as recently as February, I only needed one actor to complete the cast, Then (as is often the case with a JTMF show), all hell broke loose. My lead dropped out because of work conflicts and the young lady I had cast as Edith informed me that commuting from NYC would be an obstacle. So, as we are often forced to do, we held auditions for the three open roles.

Our first two auditioners filled the most difficult roles to cast quite easily - a surprising development which left my producer and I in good spirits. The only role left was one that would be the easiest to cast: a young woman in early 20's. But the women came to read for me highly were unlikely candidates. Finally, just as we were about to call every actress we knew who would be right for the part, our last appointment of the day showed up - she was perfect. She was the right age, she had the right look and her audition was the best we'd seen all day. I immediately offered her the part, and she accepted. My producer and I were thrilled. The show was cast! Hurrah! 

Then I came home to find an email from the actress I originally wanted to play the part, telling me that her circumstances had changed and she would be available after all. AUGH! (as a certain Charles Shulz character is wont to say.  Still- the decision has been rendered; the role has been cast and the actress I wanted is SOL... Now I'm left with the unenviable task of telling her that she missed the boat... yuck! 

Still, I can't complain. I've found a talented new actress who will be very good in the part and I have what will undoubtedly be an amazing cast for what is sure to be another amazing JTMF show. I just hate the thought of telling my first choice that she is no longer part of the show. So I have to ask my readers, how would you deliver bad news like this?

More, anon.

Prospero