Roulez les tetes coupees!

Well, there are about 40 minutes left of Mardi Gras here in the east... Not that I'm such a huge fan of Mardi Gras... I adore New Orleans, though admit to not having been in many years. But I much prefer Carnival in Venice, Brazil and Argentina. The image on your right is now my desktop wallpaper, by the way - how gay is that? Longtime readers know Uncle P's original profile photo* featured me in green and gold 16th Century Venetian garb, complete with my personal Venetian mask, itself a gift, brought home from Italy by my sweet K.

Anyway, given the gloom and doom and indignant ranting of late, I wanted to talk about silly stuff tonight. And it doesn't get much sillier than Mardis Gras, does it? Beads, booze, boobs and public nudity - sounds like the stuff of dreams, doesn't it? Well, apparently not! I went looking and sure enough found plenty of Mardi Gras themed horror movies you may have missed (at least I hope you have)...

Mardis Gras Massacre (1978):

From what I can tell from IMDb, Mardis Gras Massacre is a no-budget knock-off of schlockmeister General H.G. Lewis' Blood Feast, using Aztec mummies in place of Egyptian ones, set amidst the infamous insanity of the Big Easy during Mardi Gras... I've never seen this movie, nor do I want to...

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995):

The action moves from Chicago to N'awlins in this sequel to Clive Barker's Candyman, itself an adaptation of his Urban Legend novella "The Forbidden." Why the change of venue? All the better to exploit the voodoo themes suggested in the original, I suppose. Or, maybe just to take advantage of all those fabulous Mardi Gras costumes... 

Dracula 2000 (2000):

Wes Craven produced this update of the Dracula meme, which incorporated then current technology with traditional Dracula lore as it has been bastardized over the years. Most interestingly, Dracula 2000 featured a cast of soon-to-bes including Nathan Fillion ("Firefly;" "Castle"), Omar Epps ("House"), Jeri Ryan ("Star Trek: Voyager") and a very sexy, pre-Spartan Gerard Butler in the title role. The screenplay creates an insane (if not uninteresting) connection between Stoker's Carpathian and a particularly reviled Biblical villain, which I suppose should earn points for originality, but in the end, Dracula 2000 is pretty far down on my list ranking movies with "Dracula" in their titles, but pretty high up in the Butler hotness scale.

Hoodoo for Voodoo (2006):

Once again, I have never seen Hoodoo for Voodoo, nor do I ever intend to do so. From what sense I could make of any number of plot summaries I found for this film, it's about a group of college kids trying to avoid a killer at a "Voodoo Tourist Attraction" in New Orleans. What the...?

Autopsy (2009):

I think I was thinking of a different movie when Autopsy showed up in a "Mardi-Gras + Horror Movies" search. But judging from that trailer, it seems to have nothing at all to do with Mardi Gras other than it is set in New Orleans. It also appears to be a total piece of crap.

I hope you had too much to eat and drink today. I hope that all my friends and readers who observe Lent are successful in their sacrifices... I hope some bit of nonsense or other made you smile today. I hope you are looking forward to spring as much as I am. And I hope no bad movies cross your path, unless you want them to.

More, anon.

Prospero

*I really need a new one of those, too...

Who Would Chuck Norris Hate?

Before I start another rant, I really must apologize for embedding that stupid "motion poster" for Conan, instead of just linking to it. If you haven't figured it out yet, you can turn the audio off by clicking the button at the bottom right corner of the poster. Another couple of posts and it will move into Older Posts and you won't have to bother turning it off, anyway. I promise to not make that mistake again, no matter how amazing the poster is.

Anyway, just when I thought it was safe to return to nonsense as usual, real-life nonsense reared it's ugly head again in the form of none other than ultra-conservative martial artist-turned-actor-turned ridiculous Internet meme, Chuck effing Norris, who has weighed in about the gays. Or should it be "the Gays?" I'm never sure... Anyway, the Bearded One has written an 'article' for Conservative Christian "news" site, WorldNetDaily in which he claims the American education system has been co-opted by the LGBT community and turned into"progressive indoctrination camps."

Now look, no one is really taking the political opinions of Chuck Norris seriously. Well, no one with half a brain, anyway. And as incensed as I initially found myself when I first came across the article on Towleroad, I finally went to the site to read it for myself, and was just slightly more than amused to find that an article on "Education" should contain the following sentence (and I am quoting verbatim, here):

"It is also no surprise that an average of 6,000 students every year is leaving the approximately 94,000 public schools in America."

Really, Chuck? 6,000 students... is leaving...? Seems to me that someone who has no business writing a letter home to Mom, shouldn't be opining on things which are also none of his business. Or maybe you is one of them kids which left school. Either way,

In a show of good faith and since I'm never afraid to admit when I'm wrong, the above passage has been retracted, and replaced with this paragraph. I can't be a pot calling a kettle names... especially when so many  Grammarians agree.

I hope to never visit this post again, but had to restore it after being vindicated by consulting an actual English major. The verb "leaving" refers to the action of the students, not the average  (which is a concept, rather than a person and logically cannot take action) and since "students" is plural, the modifying verb is conjugated in the plural: "6,000 students... are leaving..." 


Had I written the sentence, it would have read: "An average of 6000 students leave our approximately 94,000 public schools each year, but then I'm a douchebag Republican mouthpiece who'll say anything for money. Oh, and I hate queers." That's what I would have written for Chuck Norris' little essay on Education...


But I digress... back to the rest of the original post:

I have some news for you, Mr. Norris...

Society, Mr. Norris, has been progressive since its dawn. If it hadn't been, you'd be a Gladiator instead of pretending to be one. Or you'd be an indentured slave on a trade ship. You certainly wouldn't have been an actor. Nor would you have had the right to voice your backward opinions. Someone smarter and richer would have owned you Mr. Norris, if society hadn't progressed. Now, please go back to making bad movies and shilling exercise equipment, because there are a bunch of really backward people who will think their Redneck uberman actually knows what he's talking about. And that's really scary to the "progressives" who throughout history have only wanted to make life to be better for everyone. "Progress," Mr. Norris, is what allows you to type on a keyboard and transmit your narrow-minded article into the homes of tens of thousands via the Internet. I ask you, sir... without progress, where would you be? My guess is you'd still be cowering in a cave during thunderstorms, certain you'd angered a malevolent god in some way. 

Come out of your cave, Chuck and join the 21st Century. It's not at all what you think you're afraid of...

Okay - enough pontificating. Just to lighten the mood, here are some Dramatic Animals (via), after reading Norris' article:

There... that's better. I promise nonsense, next time.

More, anon.

Prospero

*This post has been modified twice since it's original publication. Most recently on 3/11/11.

The Most Homophobic Thing You'll See This Week

I was planning on watching Rubber On Demand this weekend, but then I read Pax's review over at Billy Loves Stu and decided to wait and spend my money on something else. I still want to and will see it, but not for full price. Pax is a good guy,  a fellow Jersey Boy and he loves horror movies as much as I do. If you don't already read Billy Loves Stu, you should check it out.

So... There's some very odd stuff going on tonight, including the picture on your right and it's relevance to what I really want to to talk about. And no, Mr. Lucas please don't sue me, I am in no way implying that Ewoks, you, your company or your movies are homophobic, but it was one of the top 3 results I got when I Googled an image using a specific combination of words, which I promise I will tell you  about after I discuss tonight's main topic. Once I reveal that search combination, you'll be as puzzled by this picture's inclusion as the #3 suggestion as I initially was. Number 3! What, are you kidding me?

But I digress. Regular readers may be familiar with my "Gayest Thing" posts, in which I, in good humor, point out something particularly gay (and about which no one has ever complained or posted negative comments). In other words, if I ever offended anyone on my blog, they've never told me so. I would post it and respond accordingly and move on.

Then I saw the commercial posted below for Foster's Beer, an Australian import of which I have never been a fan (and trust me - I may be a martini snob, but I am a beer aficionado). If someone knows better, please correct me if I am wrong, but I remember being told by an Aussie that Foster's was made for export and most Aussies despise it. Trust me when I tell you, Foster's is not a very good beer. While Uncle P prefers darker, bolder and more interestingly seasoned beers, I would honestly have a Budweiser or a (Heaven forfend) Miller over a Foster's.

"Where the hell is all this going?" you are asking yourself, if you haven't already given up and gone off to play World of Warcraft or Angry Birds. Well, watch the commercial and then come back. I promise it will all make sense (or at least I hope it will).

Why is Advertising (as an industry on the whole) still okay with being homophobic? Is everyone in the industry a giggling straight, white boy scared that gay can be "caught" like the flu, through certain activities and associations? Is Don Draper still in charge? It makes me crazy for so many reasons.

First, are straight men really all that freaked out by gay men, anymore? Survey says: Not the ones I know. The vast majority of my male friends are straight, and it just seems to me that they've all long ago moved on to real issues. It gets better for everyone, it seems.. well, mostly everyone. Not Foster's. Or Frito-Lay:

And nor Frito-Lay's parent company, Pepsico:

Why is ridiculing being gay still funny? Or rather, why do advertisers continue to insist that it is? I can't believe that no one working for these ad companies wasn't the tiniest bit offended by their employer's product? Really?

Well, some folks are speaking up. I had never heard of actor Avan Jogia (who looks to me in that picture  like a young Brendan Routh - I said, "don't get me started!"). In fact, the only credit on his IMDb page I recognize is the short-lived SyFy "Battlestar Gallactica" prequel, "Caprica." He is also apparently known for a Nickolodeon series. But I know his name now, and you should too. He's lent his opinion and talents to an anti-homophobia video for the non-profit Straight but Not Narrow (via):

I suggest you check out Straight but Not Narrow. They have a different straight ally opine every Friday.

Okay, I know... So how the hell in the name of sanity is an Ewok even remotely related to any of this?  Well, I will tell you. After seeing that Foster's commercial and deciding to make homophobic advertising tonight's topic (as well as creating a new label), I went in search of a rather specific image. I wanted either a can of Foster's or their logo inside a red circle with a line through it. You know, like Ghostbusters, but with Foster's instead of a ghost. Or a cigarette. Or Ugly Chicks.  I figured just about everything's out there, right? So I went to Google Images and searched "Foster's + 'no' symbol"). Google tried (I guess), but the random Ewok picture as the number 3 suggestion just kind of made my day. And it is on that very round-about ending of a story that I shall move on to other things, and let you do so as well.

More, anon.

Prospero

Insidious Rubber Dog

After an amazing reunion dinner with most of my Top Girls cast, I thought of three other movies that are on my "Must See in the Near Future" List. The first is French surrealist Quentin Depieux's English language debut, the Sci-Fi-Horror film  Rubber. Now brace yourselves... Rubber is about a bunch of people watching a movie in the desert. The movie is about a tire (yes, a good old-fashioned rubber tire) that somehow became sentient and animate, becomes obsessed with a mysterious woman and uses his (the tire's name is Robert, apparently) telekinetic powers to kill anyone who gets in his way. Meanwhile, the audience watching the film is poisoned halfway through it, and they never get to see the end.

None of this, by the way, is ever explained. Unlike other 'inanimate objects gaining sentience' movies such as Killdozer (where an alien intelligence of electrical origin takes over a machine), Robert the tire simply is. No one is accused of or seen poisoning the audience. It just happens.

I've been reading odd bits and pieces about this film for a while, and have been "intrigued," to say the least. Gonzo art film? Insane Sci-Fi? Gory low-budget horror? Who knows? All I know is, I must see it. Watch the trailer (via) below and you tell me:

I don't know about you, but there are things in that trailer that really made me laugh... Depieux seems to turn the genre's conventions on their ears in what a way that is reminiscent of Wes Craven's original Scream, by pointing out and exaggerating those conventions in a wholly fresh way. If the movie is half as trippy and hilarious the trailer, Rubber should be a weird, wonderful and undefinable masterpiece. The newish film adjective Lynchian certainly applies. Entertainment Weekly has a short, amusing interview with Depieux, here. I highly recommend it for (if nothing else) a little bit of insight into the director's style and mindset. Rubber is available now On Demand and will see a limited theatrical release in April. I hope to see it this weekend..

Another film I'm chomping at the bit to see is Insidious, from the Writer/Director team of Leigh Whannell and James Wan (Saw; Dead Silence). I know there are Wan haters out there (Death Sentence, anyone?) but I happen to love both of the previous films on which they collaborated, Saw literally created a sub-genre (taken even further by directors like Eli Roth) while managing to trick me with its twist ending and the underrated Dead Silence was a creepy, atmospheric (if nonsensical) take on the "evil ventriloquist" meme. There are moments in that film that managed to creep out even an exceptionally jaded horror fan like Uncle P.

So - let's take a talented team of horror auteurs and add three amazing actors to their latest concoction and see what we get. Insidious appears to be about a young boy under attack from forces outside the physical realm. Patrick Wilson (Watchmen) and Rose Byrne -- love her-- [28 Weeks Later; "Damages" (!!!!!)] are the parents and Barbara Hershey (Black Swan; The Entity) is the grandmother.

I despised Paranormal Activity, but that film's director only has a producing credit here.

Finally, there's the big-screen return of hottie Brandon Routh (don't get me started) in the long-awaited Dylan Dog: Dead of Night. One of the most popular comics in Europe, Dylan Dog... is about an investigator (Routh) who deals in vampires, werewolves, zombies, demons and assorted occult phenomena. Equally hot cross-over star Taye Diggs and the always interesting Peter Stormare (Fargo; The Brothers Grimm) co-star. The trailer is just hilarious. It looks like a cross between Hellboy; Constantine: Lord of Illusions and Ghostbusters. Scheduled for release on April 29th, Dylan Dog's official site (and newest trailer) are here.

I just hope I'm not setting myself up for more disappointment this year... Still, it seems there are suddenly so many interesting movies coming out, even as I decry the death of Great American Filmmaking. Maybe I just want to have fun when I go to the movies. Don't you?

More, anon.

Prospero

Conan, Reborn

When the first Conan the Barbarian movie came out in 1982, the only real frame of reference I had were the amazing Frank Frazetta images like the one on your right. I hadn't read any of the books by Robert E. Howard nor any of the ensuing comics based on them. I just had a thing for hot musclemen in loincloths.

So, when the John Milius movie came out, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones and Max von Sydow, I knew I had to see it. And I remember thinking, "Wow! What a violent, sexist movie!" And it really was, especially for that time. When asked "What is best in life?" Conan responds "To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentations of their women." Yikes!

Of course, there is an inevitable remake on the horizon, starring former "Baywatch: Hawaii" hottie Jason Mamoa as the Cimmerian warrior bent on avenging the death of his parents. Directed by Marcus Nispel (the absolutely terrible Friday the 13th remake), the movie also stars Ron Perlman (Hellboy); Rose McGowan (Planet Terror) and Stephen Lang, who over-acted so ridiculously in Avatar. Now, (via) comes the animated poster for the new film, evoking the Frazetta versions of Conan while using modern technology. While I can't say whether or not the new version of the movie will be any good, I must admit to loving the poster:

So, what do you think? Old Conan? New Conan? Conan O'Brien? No Conan? (someday I'm going to have to add a polling feature). You know I love your comments. Of course, my biggest complaint: The GD 3D! Enough, already. But I have to admit that the whole "Motion Poster" thing is kind of cool...

More, anon.

Prospero

The Gayest Thing You'll See This Week

That's Second City's Kyle Fitzpatrick as the Sassy Gay Friend, whose smarmy advice has so far saved Ophelia, Juliet and Desdemona from their tragic Shakespearean fates with a hilarious combination of insults, insight and a fabulous peach scarf. Oh, he also showed up to save Eve from eating that apple...

Fitzpatrick is back and, having moved forward a few centuries, has some advice for Charles Dickens' Miss Haversham:

Kyle (AKA Bryan Galvin) also did an "It Gets Better" video:

"It Gets Better" and The Trevor Project have become two very important causes to Uncle P. In fact, the JTMF has just shot our own "It Gets Better" video which we'll be debuting soon. This past December, TJMF held our first Winter event, presenting It's a Wonderful Life: A Live Radio Play and we added The Trevor Project to our beneficiaries. Over 10% of the proceeds from that event were donated to The Trevor Project in what we hope will be the first of many donations to this very worthy cause.

Life is so worth living. If you or someone you know is contemplating suicide because of anti-gay bullying, I urge you to call The Trevor Project at 1-866-4-U TREVOR (1-866-488-7386). The call is free, the advice is completely non-judgmental and the folks who man the phone lines really do care.

And even if you aren't a victim of anti-gay bullying, but care about saving young lives, please pass on this information. Everyone deserves to live to find his or her own potential. Take it from my own experience - it really does get better,

Okay - enough pontificating for this week. Back to the usual nonsense, soon.

More, anon.

Prospero

That's Sick!

I sent the image on your right (via) to my sister as soon as I saw it. It made her laugh as much as it did me. Of course, if you haven't figured it out by now, Uncle P has a rather macabre sense of humor, one of the many things I have in common with my baby sister.

Many years ago, when Uncle P was a High School Junior, the keepers of a local historic mansion were looking for ways to raise funds for restoration, and since the place had a reputation for being haunted, they decided one October to have a "Haunted House" tour. They recruited local H.S. Drama Club members to take part in designing, executing and staffing the event. 

Of course, you know I had to not only participate, but head my school's efforts (I was already directing at age 16). One of two rooms my school did was a "Nursery," complete with a spike-canopied crib, baby doll-limbed mobile and assorted evil toys. At the time, one of the "hot" toys was a doll called "Baby Alive." My sister had one. It ate, drank, peed and pooped. Our version was called "Baby A-Dead,"* and if I remember correctly, it drank blood from a bottle. And if I also remember correctly (maybe Sis can corroborate), the Nursery was voted "Most Disturbing Room" that first year. She of course, was one of the "babies" in the nursery, though she was probably 11 or 12 at the time. I went on to participate in the mansion's follow-up Christmas House (playing Joseph, of all things) as well as its second (and sadly, last) Haunted House. 

They still hold fundraisers there, though much of the mansion has been restored. There's still an annual  spring Faire and a Christmas event. I think they must be working on the third or fourth floor, by now. It's been many, many years since I have visited. Still, were they ever to do a Haunted House event again, I imagine the image above would certainly be fodder for a kitchen design by Yours Truly. And my sister would probably be happy to make evil-looking cakes as part of it. She already has told me she laughed aloud when I sent her the above image in an email, though she admitted she was glad she had gone in to work early enough that no one was around to hear her do so.

Local readers and Facebook friends know exactly what mansion I have been referring to, but I will leave it up to the rest of you to figure it out on your own (and clues can be found throughout my past posts, if you care to find them). Needless to say, I have moved on from my early directing and fund-raising efforts to those issues more immediately important me to me and the folks I care about. But I still live very nearby that mansion, and I just might have to stop by one day and see what progress has been made over 30 years or so.

More, anon,

Prospero

* Not the actual image.