Uncle P and the Mystery of the Creepy Peeps

Among my friends there are two distinct camps when it comes to this story: those who, like myself, find it hilarious and fun and those, like my BIL, who think Uncle P is being stalked by a serial killer. I'll let you decide.

Last November, just about a month after my mother passed away, I came home to find an Apple box stuffed in my mailbox. When I pulled out the tissue paper and ribbons, I found the nightlight you see to your right. And yes, the bulb inside is red. There was no card or note. Nothing on the box but the Apple logo. When I posted it to Facebook, the two camps immediately made themselves apparent. Of course, my friends and regular readers know my taste for the odd (indeed, the macabre) and unusual. And they also know I tend to have a rather dark sense of humor. I thought it was hilarious and plugged it into a kitchen outlet (it gets too hot for practical use, but is fun to switch on when I have guests). In the months that followed, people would occasionally ask me if I ever found out who sent it, but I almost forgot about. Until...

Just around my birthday this year, I came home and opened my screen door and a box tumbled out onto the mat.  Inside was not only the green planter below, but a note!

"Dear Brian,

"The psychic creepy doll network has determined you and your red eyed nightlight needed a friend.

"Therefore please welcome this new addition to your home. We trust you will admire and enjoy it.

"With much love, a shared sense of humor and best wishes,

"Your mystery/anonymous creepy peeps."

The box was a sturdy gift box from the Frenchtown Metalworks, an art jeweler in New Jersey. 

How exciting! Contact had been made! But how much was to be believed? Is this the work of more than one person? Do they live in or near Frenchtown? He, she or they obviously know where I live and when they can deliver packages when I'm not home. More friends freak out. I laugh and hope that all will be revealed, eventually. Speculation continues.  

Next - right before Halloween, I came home to find a bag on my kitchen table. My boarder had brought it in (whew!) after finding it hanging on the doorknob, outside. In the bag was a square box, also from Frenchtown Metalworks. It had a black ribbon and written on it in orange and black markers was "Happy Halloween!" And in the box was the delightfully odd electric tealight holder you see below.

Cozy, isn't she? The yellow flickering eyes in the very pink head are far more effective than the red bulb in the nightlight, don;t you think? No note this time but I didn't need one.

Most recently, I came home from picking up my Christmas Eve dinner from Wing Wah, to find a USPS Priority Mail package sitting in my carport. My sister's package had already arrived, as well as a package from friends who couldn't wait to see me to give me my gift. I looked for the sender only to see "Santa" with no return address. I knew immediately who it was from.

I ate my dinner, opened the rest of my mail and then set to the package. Inside was a letter and the most elaborate dolly of all. Wrapped in a blankie and painted yellow all over; her hair cut off and phrases, slogans and bits of poetry written all over her, she is quite magnificent! 

The letter reads: 

"ho ho ho Brian!

   "I fear you've not been naughty enough this year so was tempted to not deliver this wee child to you for the holidays.

   "Alas your creepy peeps network has informed me that exists (sic) in you a certain scorn for the Christmas merriment... the stories behind the story as it were.

"That has set you in my good graces and so I bestow upon you your very own baby - one of poetry for your reading pleasure as you sit by the fire.

   "So master yourself an icy cold martini, sit back and enjoy the season.

"All my best,

" Santa, the creepy one

"PS... my supply of treats for you has run low... but I have my sources and so perhaps we shall continue this adventure into yet another year"

The font colors are theirs. So they also know that I am an atheist and enjoy an icy cold Sapphire martini now and again. The plot thickens. Or does it? Loads of folks know that. The doll itself, is fascinating. She reminds me of something out of a Clive Barker movie.

On her face is: LETS DO EMPTY OUR POCKETS AND DISAPPEAR * MISSING ALL OUR APPOINTMENTS AND TURN ING UP YEARS LATER UNSHAVEN OLD CIGARETTE PAPERS STUCK TO OUR PANTS LEAVES IN *** OUR HAIR Her torso reads: LET US NOT WORRY ABOUT THE PAYMENTS ANYMORE LET THEM COME ND TAKE IT AWAY WHATEVER IT WAS WE WERE PAYING AND US WITH IT  On her left arm and side: I AM A SOCIAL CLIMBER CLIMBING DOWNWARD AND THE DESCENT IS DIFFICULT  On her right arm: THE UPPER MIDDLE CLASS IDEAL IS FOR THE BIRDS AND THE BIRDS HAVE NO USE FOR IT

On her left leg: LETS CUT IT OUT LETS GO TO THE REAL INTERIOR OF THE COUNTRY WHERE HOCKSHOPS REIGN MERE UNBLIND ANARCHY UPON US THE END IS NEAR BUT GOLF GOES ON. On her right leg: LET US ARISE AND GO NOW TO WHERE DOGS DO IT OVER THE HILL * WHERE THEY KEEP THE EARTHQUAKES BEHIND CITY DUMPS LOST AMONG GAS MAINS AND GARBAGE. On top of her head: JUNKMAN'S OBBLIGATO On the back of her head: LAWRENCE FERLING HETTI (the artist, perhaps?) MY BODY IS HUNG UP TOO LONG IN THE STRANGE SUSPENDERS GET ME A BRIGHT BANDANA FOR A OCKSTRAP (sic) On her back: LET US NOW YOU AND I LEAVING OUR NECKTIES BEHIND ON LAMPOSTS (sic) TAKE UP THE FULL BEARD OF WALKING ANARCHY LOOKING LIKE WALT WHITMAN A HOME MADE BOMB IN THE POCKET I WISH TO OESCEN (?) IN THE SOCIA (?) IS LOW On the back of her right arm: LOSE THE WAR WITHOUT KILLING ANYONE

So, Uncle P's question for you... Would you be freaked out, or just as amazed and amused as I am? That a friend or friends would go this far and long without cracking is just awesome. I know there will be a grand reveal, eventually and I will be face-palming myself for not figuring it out. Until them, I very much love this game!

More, anon.
Uncle P

Orson Scott Card's Game

Homophobic Propaganda

In college, I took an English elective called 'Science Fiction.' It was a fun and easy class, though there was lots of reading. We had to read 4 novels and dozens of short stories. Not that I minded. I was always a big reader and Sci-Fi was my second favorite genre. 

One of the books we read was Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card. Like many novels and movies in the genre, it was about a young warrior who had the potential to save Humanity from the aliens who were threatening our existence. And I really enjoyed it. It wasn't until many years later that I learned more about Card and his homophobic agenda. 

Card, a terrified Mormon who in 2008 wrote: "Regardless of law, marriage has only one definition, and any government that attempts to change it is my mortal enemy. I will act to destroy that government and bring it down…," he later went on to become a board member of the anti-equality hate group NOM in 2009. The subsequent anti-gay subtext of his works since Ender's Game suggests that gay men, specifically, are unnatural and deserve whatever pain and suffering they get, often equating us with pederasts.

Ender's Game (whose evil, invading aliens are called 'Buggers' - so subtle) is about to hit the big screen this fall with a cast of very talented people who should have known better. Hugo's Asa Butterfield; True Grit's Hailee Steinfeld; Ben (Gandhi) Kingsley; Abigail Breslan and Han Solo/Indiana Jones himself, Harrison Ford, are all in the film. And they have all tried to defend it by saying we should judge the art, but not the artist. Really? Isn't the point of art to depict the artist's point of view? Throughout my training as a performing artist, it was always stressed that a work of art was meant to depict the artist's true intent, regardless of how the viewer interprets it.

This past May, Salon.com published an article detailing Card's most heinous remarks, while pointing out the homophobia inherent in his works. Recently, Geeks OUT, an LGBT Sci-Fi fan group, has called for a boycott of the film. It doesn't matter to them (or me) that Card has already made millions from the novel and the movie rights. It doesn't matter that the filmmakers and stars are trying to distance the movie from it's source. What matters is pointing out that Card is a viciously antagonistic homophobe who needs a reality check. 

After the recent SCOTUS decision regarding DOMA, Card tried to do some damage control, saying:

 

"Ender’s Game is set more than a century in the future and has nothing to do with political issues that did not exist when the book was written in 1984.

"With the recent Supreme Court ruling, the gay marriage issue becomes moot. The Full Faith and Credit clause of the Constitution will, sooner or later, give legal force in every state to any marriage contract recognized by any other state.

"Now it will be interesting to see whether the victorious proponents of gay marriage will show tolerance toward those who disagreed with them when the issue was still in dispute."

Tolerance? Seriously? F*CK YOU, Orson! F*ck you so hard you bleed! F*ck you so hard you cry for your Mommy! F*ck you so hard that you finally learn what it means to be bullied and hated just for being yourself! Of course, you won't learn that lesson because your hatred, fear and ignorance have been ingrained in you by a cult founded by an illiterate farmer who convinced a bunch of equally ignorant Rubes that he could decipher a previously unknown ancient language which was revealed to him by an angel on 'golden plates' which he could never, ever show to anyone else.

Wow, that was uncharacteristically mean-spirited on my part. But I'm not sorry.

Here's the thing: If you're going to spend the majority of your life hating a group of people just for being who they are (and declaring war on your government for recognizing that group's inherent Human Rights), you have absolutely no business asking for that group to be tolerant of your hatred or the art you create which reflects it.

Despite liking the book and loving the cast of the movie, I will not be seeing Ender's Game, in any way, shape or form. And I encourage you to not see it, as well. And while I would normally post a trailer or video at this point in my rant, I simply cannot bring myself to do anything which might promote this movie. 

Please don't see this movie. Let it die the death it deserves. Let Card know we will not tolerate his intolerance. Skip Ender's Game and hold out for J.J. Abrams' Star Wars movies, instead. Hell, wait for the inevitably awful Avatar sequels. Whatever you do, let Card and his ilk know that they are dinosaurs living in the past, with little-to-no relevance to modern reality. And while I freely admit that most boycotts don't work, this one may actually send a message to the gayest (and most homophobic) industry in the U.S. Come on... You know Brokeback Mountain should have won Best Picture.

More, anon.
Prospero