Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I Miss the Weekly World News

I honestly miss this bastion of misinformation, fabrication and outrageous lies. There was something profanely comforting in its nonsense. Q's favorite WWN headline is "22 Devil Babies Born with Tails!" I tried to find a link to it, but have been so far unsuccessful. And I will admit, it's a good one. My all time favorite got turned into a very funny and very successful Off Broadway musical. I actually used the original Bat Boy edition as a prop in my production of the female version of The Odd Couple. It got a laugh every night. A cheap laugh, but a laugh, nonetheless. Not too long after that show closed, a co-worker bought me a Bat Boy T-shirt for my birthday and I was forever hooked on the nonsense the insane geniuses at WWN came up with, week after week for 27 years. Of course, I just adore Bat Boy: The Musical, which has some of the funniest lyrics ever (and which I must someday direct) is one of the funniest, cleverest and poignant shows I have ever seen. The tunes (with one exception in Act II) are snappy and hummable and the script is a perfect re-fictionalization of WWN's story about a strange boy found underground.

Which got me wondering what other WWN headlines would make a good musical? Here's a few actual WWN headlines I like and the plots of the musicals I imagine for them:

"How to Tell if Your Guardian Angel is Gay" -- Troubled teen rock star Brooklyn (Miley Cyrus in her stage debut) counts on her gay BFF Chad (Justin Bieber), for everything, but soon finds herself falling in love with him. When it's revealed at the end of Act I that Chad is actually Brooklyn's Guardian Angel and therefore sexless, her father (has-been Borscht Belt comedian Moishe "Buppie" Moskowitz, -- Robin Williams in a tour-de-force performance), finally approves of one of his daughter's boyfriends. Musical numbers include: "My Sassy Gay BFF;" "The Mouse Ate My Soul" and "No Wonder You're So Pretty!"

"Merman Caught in South Pacific" -- Caught! is the tale of an icy cryptozoologist (Sutton Foster) looking for the missing link in Fiji. When she accidentally snares merman Azreal (Hugh Jackman) in her nets, she's forced to admit there are things even science can't explain. Meanwhile an underhanded tabloid journalist (David Hyde Pierce) begins stalking the doc and her Piscean lover in the hopes of capturing Azreal "in full fin." Yes, It's Splash, but who cares? This is Broadway. F*ck Hollywood (we already do, anyway). Songs include: "Cryptozoologicalexpealidocius;" "(I Go to) Rio" and "You Swam Into My Heart."

"Farmer Shoots 23-Lb Grasshopper" -- Beginning of the End is a period story of intrepid 1950's journalist Audrey Aims (Audra McDonald) who stumbles upon a story of about giant grasshoppers created accidentally as part of radiation experiments on a local Illinois farm. She soon meets Ed Wainwright (Brian Stokes Mitchell), who explains how the grasshoppers got into a silo filled with radioactive wheat. Together, they must find a way to stop the giant grasshoppers, while keeping their unbridled passion for one another in check. Songs include: "I Smell a Scoop;" "The Radioactive Rag" and "Chicago's Full of Bugs This Time of Year."

"Redneck Aliens Take Over Trailer Park" -- The songs of Lynyrd Skynyrd are interwoven into this story of a boy who always felt "different" and the magical extraterrestrials who reveal to him his alien birthright. Free-Bird Jones (Cheyenne Jackson) must come to terms with his mother's lies and his father's probe, before accepting his place among his own people and the love of Carmen (Jennifer Lopez), the one woman who doesn't care that he's only half-human. Songs include "Sweet Home Alabama;" "Freebird" and "Double Trouble Double-Wide."

What Weekly World News story would you like to see as a musical? You know how I love comments.

More, anon.


Stephen said...

The Sacred Water Cross of Lourdes

Carol Channing sees the image of the blessed Mother of God in Madonna's daughter's taco, played by Dakota Fanning in here musical debut. Mistaken identities, virgin births, sharp choreography by Paula Abdul... all set to music fromMadonna's song catalogue

Prospero said...

Didn't they just do that on "Glee?"

Anonymous said...

Better late than never...

The super market line headline haunts me to this day.