A Challenge

Well, not one, but two of my blogger pals (both of my Stephens) have tagged me on this, so I suppose I should respond. But first - a note about yesterday.

On New Year's Eve, Uncle P slipped in the inch of snow we got here in Southeastern PA (well before the two major storms this week) and did a number on my back. Not long after, I had the infamous Kitchen Disaster of 2010, which only served to exacerbate the problem. Add two more major snowstorms and no time to really heal, and I now have a chronic back issue. Currently, my GP is treating me with meds (a muscle relaxer, an anti-inflammatory and a pain killer). Yesterday (and the day before) were snow days at my day job, so while I had time off, I still had to dig out. By 6:00 PM Eastern time, I was in absolute agony and couldn't imagine sitting for an hour or more to post, so I didn't. I took today off and am feeling a little better, but still not nearly 100%. Add that to discovery that SyFy choose a screenplay entitled Sharktopus (I swear to God) over mine, and I was in no mood to blog last night.

Be that as it may, from Stephen Rader at Are You There Blog? It's Me, Stephen and Stephen in Oregon of Post Apocalyptic Bohemian comes this "challenge":

Name three classic movie moments that have, in some shape or form, made you buy things, do things or think things that perhaps you shouldn't have.

Hmmm... As influential as film has been on my life, I honestly cannot think of anything that any movie has done any of these three things to me. I can however, name at least three films that have influenced me in other ways.

Of course, the movie that made me love movies is a childhood (and adult) favorite, the original 1933 version of King Kong. Watching it every time I could catch it on TV (usually on UHF - a concept totally alien to most modern TV audiences), King Kong taught me that anything was possible in the movies: Giant gorillas could defeat dinosaurs in battle; true love saves the day; exploitation is bad and even animals have feelings. Merian C. Cooper's masterpiece stands the test of time and even 77 years later, it holds up as both a thrilling adventure and an allegorical love story:

It wasn't until I was a bit older, that I discovered the power of Silent Films. And while there are many great ones (Potemkin; Modern Times; The Birth of a Nation), none had as great an influence on me as Fritz Lang's masterpiece, Metropolis. Lang's 1927 Sci-Fi landmark used then state-of-the-art special effects to tell the story of exploited workers under the thumb of an elitist regime of wealthy industrialists using plebeians to carry out their dirty work. Metropolis may well be the first movie that made me understand the plight of the "Common Man," while instilling in me a fascination for in-camera special effects. In the 1980's, composer Georgio Moroder combined known footage with a few "lost" stills to create a more comprehensive version of the film with a modern soundtrack. More recently, additional footage was found in South America, and a "new" version is set for release later this year. Metropolis remains one of the most effective visions of a dystopian nightmare ever committed to celluloid:

Finally, a movie I didn't actually see all of until I was in my 20's, Singin' in the Rain may well be the best movie musical ever made. Starring a very young Debbie Reynolds, Donald O'Conner and the amazingly athletic dancer Gene Kelly, Singin' in the Rain is the movie that made me fall in lve with movies all over again. Not only does it tell the story of technology changing the industry (something we are seeing now with the overrated Avatar), its also a very human story about actors and what they have to go through to make it in the most competitive industry in the world. Seeing it all the way through for the first time was an almost revelatory experience.

I could probably go on and on about the movies that have influenced my take on the world (such a list would probably take forever), but these are the first three I could come up with that had a major influence on not only how I view film, but the world, itself. And of course, it doesn't include my favorite movie of all time, the Howard Hawkes masterpiece Bringing Up Baby, an underrated (at the time) comic gem that should make every screenwriter take notice:

So, while I can't imagine any movie that made me do, buy or think something I shouldn't have; I can certainly imagine hundreds (or perhaps even thousands) of movies of that influenced my love of the medium.

More, anon.
Prospero

PS - This list does not include any of Peter Bogdanovich's comedies from the 70's, which I will expound upon, anon.

P

Enough With the Creepy Talking Babies, Already

Considering all the Horror/Sci-Fi/Fantasy movies and shows I watch, you would think that very little would scare, unnerve or creep me out. And you'd be right. But there is one thing that disturbs me more than you can imagine - talking babies. I'm not not talking about babies and their first words. "Dada" and "Mama" are hardly scary and can be downright adorable under the right conditions.

No, I'm talking about CGI manipulated images of babies dubbed with adult voices, as seen in TD Ameritrade's commercials of late. Honestly, little else can make my skin crawl like those commercials. Except perhaps the 2002 CBS sitcom "Baby Bob," which starred Adam Arkin and Joely Fisher as the parents of a particularly precocious talking infant. The show also starred the underrated Holland Taylor (now stuck on the obscenely awful and inexplicably popular "Two and a Half Men") and former Mr. Barbra Streisand, Elliott Gould. Apparently, the show was so creepy, I couldn't find any clips of it, anywhere. According to Wikipedia, the character of Baby Bob originated in commercials for the now-defunct Freeinternet.com and after the show's run, reappeared in a series of commercials for the Quiznos sandwich chain:

Okay, I don't know what's creepier in that clip - the talking baby or the sexualization of an infant. Of course, the sexualization of young children always disturbs me. Especially in this context:

Dear God, why is a four year-old being referred to as "...a seasoned professional?" You might as well call her a "whore." The whole concept of child beauty pageants disgusts me. I recently got into a rather heated debate with an old friend about this very subject. Apparently, she had put her daughter through the pageant experience and found it to be positive and uplifting for the girl, who has (according to my friend) since gone on to well-adjusted life. I'm still dubious. Is it any wonder that some creep found JonBenet Ramsey such a turn-on that he had to kill her?* Growing up in the 60's and 70's, there were no children's pageants (or at least, none of which I was aware). Now, they are everywhere. And it saddens me that parents would subject their kids to wearing makeup, hairpieces, false teeth and suggestive costumes in order to win money and scholarships.

I firmly believe that children should be allowed to be children, and not be subject to their parents' fantasies or vicarious hopes.

Now that I have veered slightly off-topic, let's get back to Creepy Talking Babies, shall we?

Still... the sexualization of children continues to pervade the airwaves, especially in Ameritrade's (E*Trade) most recent Superbowl commercial in which the hip, talking baby not only has a girlfriend, but a piece on the side, as well:

It's almost like the Talking Tina episode of "The Twilight Zone":

Or even worse, this commercial for a real talking doll, Mattel's 'Baby Secret':

"I want to tell you a secret... you must kill Mommy and Daddy!"

Seriously, is it just me? Or have we all become so numb to advertising that we allow this kind of crap to go on? Did we learn nothing from "The Bad Seed;" "The Village of the Damned" "Children of the Corn" or "The Children?" More importantly have we learned nothing about the early-sexualization of children since the JonBenet Ramsey murder? That any parent can allow his or her child to subjected to this kind of judgment at such an early age, only manages to reinforce the stereotypes of beauty that Hollywood and Madison Avenue have foisted upon us for more than a hundred years. Should we be surprised that anorexia and bulimia are so prevalent among young girls? And should we be surprised that images of children in adult makeup and costumes encourage pedophiles to act on their deviant impulses? Okay - I'm all for attractive young adults showing off their bodies, but we need to draw the line somewhere.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

More, anon.
Prospero

*While there is no evidence to support the theory that JonBenet was killed by a pedophile, there is little doubt in my mind that such pageants encourage deviant behaviors among those already inclined toward such activity.

Gratuity, Cliches and Other Nonsense

That's Flavor of the Month Bradley Cooper having himself some fun at a waterpark. The Hangover star is on the cusp of major stardom. I first noticed him in Fox's late series "Kitchen Confidential," in which he played a character based on notorious bad-boy chef, Anthony Bourdain. He also appeared in The Wedding Crashers as well as the underrated and under-seen The Midnight Meat Train and the yet-to-be-released thriller Case 39, co-starring his rumored girlfriend, Renee Zellweger and child actress extraordinaire, Jodelle Ferland (who would have been my choice for Alice in Alice in Wonderland). Unfortunately, he also starred in the romantic comedy stinker All About Steve, which has been on almost every critic's "10 Worst" list for 2009. I have yet to see it (and probably won't), but that does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for this talented star on the rise. Sexy, smart and funny (a deadly combo for your Uncle P), Cooper is poised to become a household name. Let's hope he doesn't screw it up. He is next slated to be seen as Eric Dane's romantic partner in Valentine's Day. Of course, Hollywood execs, being the a-holes they are, have completely omitted the gay love story from any advertising for the movie, hoping to trick straight guys into accompanying their girlfriends to see it. After Valentine's Day, Cooper's next release is the big-screen treatment of The A-Team, in which he plays Faceman, a role originated on TV by "Battlestar Galactica" star Dirk Benedict. Personally, the more I see of Cooper in various states of undress, the better. Of course he'll never replace my obsession, but I certainly wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers (or anything he wants to eat, for that matter).

And since I'm on the subject of gratuitous man-flesh, if you go to YouTube and type in "2010 Superbowl Commercials" you'll come across this curious video, featuring 3 cute guys in Speedos, doing their interpretation of Will Ferrel and Chris Katan at the Roxbury (something I thought/hoped had died when the movie flopped). Still, 3 cute guys in Speedos is reason enough for me:

I don't think they're really selling anything here, but themselves. If so, I'll take the dark one in the green Speedo with the longish hair.

So, enough gratuity (for now) and onto the subject of movie cliches. Or, more specifically, Horror Movie Cliches. If you haven't figured it out by now, your Uncle Prospero LOVES horror movies. And while I was aware this was actually a "meme" of sorts, it really took the clip below (via) to drive the point home:

Granted, in at least two of the movies referenced (The Broken and Mirrors), mirrors are a central theme. Thankfully, this slick trick does not appear in any of the screenplays written by yours truly.

Finally tonight, just as I am about to put this post to bed, I looked outside my window to see at least two inches of snow has fallen since I started writing, about an hour ago. If you read my last two posts, you'll know just how this makes me feel. I also learned (by calling our hotline), that my day job is closed tomorrow, allowing me another day for the drugs my doctor prescribed to take effect on my back, injured in a fall on New Year's Eve. Of course, digging out from yet another major snowstorm in less than a week will not help. Sigh... Arizona looks better and better every day...

More nonsense, anon.
Prospero

P.S. If you live in the "Crippling Snowstorm" region of Southeastern PA and Central/North NJ, my heart goes out to you. Take your time shoveling (rest frequently) and just stay home.

Harry Potter and the Fountain of Youth

After last night's winter rant, I awoke to horrific back spasms (caused by digging out my car) and consequently spent most of the day sleeping under medication. Naturally, I didn't sign on to the Net until about an hour ago.

So, it wasn't until my daily visit to Towleroad* that I finally saw all those Superbowl commercials that everyone goes crazy for, and while I think the Doritos commercials were all pretty hilarious, I'm still pissed at CBS for running the Focus on Family ad. But that's not the point of this particular post.

No, this post is about the ad that most caught my attention. It was for Universal Studios Orlando Theme Park and their newest attraction "The Wizarding World of Harry Potter."

Now, I'm not particularly a Harry Potter fan. I read the first book on a flight from Philly to Tampa (with time to start the Stephen King I was reading at the time) and wasn't all that impressed. The first two or so movies were fun, but I haven't really seen an entire Harry Potter movie since. However, Uncle Prospero is a HUGE Theme Park fan. I always have been. Church carnivals, State Fairs, old-fashioned amusement parks and modern Theme Parks -- I just can't resist 'em. The food, the rides, the general atmosphere of having a good time. And the best Theme Park in the world (IMHO) is Universal Studios Florida, because it combines my two favorite things in the world; movies and thrill-rides.

The park has undergone some changes since I first went back in 1994. The King Kong ride is gone and "The Simpsons Ride" has replaced Back to the Future. The Alfred Hitchcock Experience (one of my favorite original attractions) made way for Twister, a very fun tornado simulator (which I actually hoped would be a rollercoaster). Most significantly, Universal expanded the park, adding Islands of Adventure in 1999. The first five "Islands" were "Jurassic Park;" "Toon Lagoon;" "Marvel Island;" "The Lost Continent" and "Seuss Landing." The day we went to Islands of Adventure, it poured and not all the attractions were running properly ("Spider-Man" in particular), but we still managed to have to a good time. Of course, 11 years later and my sister is still a coaster-wuss and my brother-in-law has vertigo, so they don't do Universal anymore. I'll just have to convince one of my Potter-fan friends to come down with me this spring... OK - maybe I can get through the storm that is projected to add another 18 to 24 inches of snow to what we already have here in Philly tomorrow night. As they used to say in the old commercials, "Calgon, take me away..."


And two quick things before I say "goodnight."

One: If you have to ask what Harry Potter has to do with The Fountain of Youth, I suggest you go back to elementary school history and geography for the answer.

Two: In an amazing (to me, anyway) feat of timing, Yours Truly actually scooped *Towleroad, which posted weatherman Jim Kosek's on-air melt-down a full day after I did. I suddenly feel like a real-life blogger...

More, anon.
Prospero

Apoplexy-lypse

I have no idea why people love Kubrick's version of The Shining. I suppose that as a movie, it's pretty good, if a little a silly. As an adaptation of the Stephen King novel by the same name, it is a total fail. And don't try to argue with me, because you won't win. As a massive King fan and someone who likes to put words together and hope they make sense, I have to side with the author of the source material, here. That book scared the hell out of me. The movie just made me sad.

Anyway, that exceptionally silly image of a frozen Jack Nicholson is there because that's how I feel right about now. I have absolutely had it with winter and want the flowers and the birds back, tout suite, maintenant! "Oh, but Prospero, the snow's so pretty when it's coming down..." Yeah, well so is the arterial spray of a half-naked co-ed being set upon by some madman or monster. Ooh! A little too dark for ya? Well, suck it up, hombre! (Hey - 3 languages in the same paragraph - that's pretty good).

You see? This is what winter does to me. It depresses me and makes me crazy and it makes me want to do bad things to stupid people... I'm at work on a new screenplay and -- my hand to God -- I've written a character based on a composite of my clients, just so I can kill him off in a particularly gruesome way. And I'm having no problems at all imagining increasingly horrible fates for most of the main characters. Truth be told, I really don't see it ending well for any of them, though my characters have been known to surprise me with unexpected and unintended (at least originally) behavior in the past. Once, an intended antagonist ended up becoming the heroine, simply by reacting to her situation in a way I never intended her to. But just between you and me -- I wouldn't count on more than one survivor, if any at all, this time... See? Winter Madness. Cabin Fever. Whatever you want to call it. I wrote a one-act play and screenplay about it (and several other unpleasant topics) called The Cow Says: "Moo!" The screen version can be read here, should you be interested. But be warned, it's grim, to say the least. And don't even tell me you're surprised...

Okay, I know. It's the weather. You can't do a thing about it except sit by and watch it happen (or in this last storm's case, sleep through most of it). And I know - the weather is one of the many reasons to wtach and support your local news programs. Uncle Prospero watches the NBC affiliate WCAU in Philadelphia, with Glen "Hurricane" Schwartz, a pleasant and slightly eccentric fellow who is deadly serious about the weather. He's usually pretty calm and matter of fact, even when being emphatic. Here's Glen, who is quite the Philly-area celebrity, at a local Scarecrow contest last fall:

Peddler's Village is about 40 minutes north of me; a place filled with quaint and unique shops and restaurants, near New Hope, southeastern PA's version of P'Town.

When a big storm is coming, the weather guys get excited, because it means more camera time. I get it. But it seems sometimes they just want to scare the crap out of you. Take this clip from AccuWeather.com weatherman Jim Kosek, last Friday:

I have a co-worker who holds a degree in meteorology and desperately wants to work as a broadcast meteorologist. I shared that clip with him via Facebook and his response was: "Oh, my God! What a wacko!" Though I certainly understand Mr. Kosek's despair (I feel your pain, bruthah!), that segment was just a little... oh, I don't know... unprofessional and way over-the-top? Yeah, that's it.

I'm tired of being cold; I'm tired of having to wear bulky, uncomfortable clothes; I'm tired of digging out my car; I'm tired of coming home every night after dark. Despite what you may have heard, Uncle P will not crumble away to dust in the sunlight. Quite the opposite, in fact. "Well, why don't you just move to Florida, like your sister did?" Because I don't want to trade snowstorms for hurricanes and I don't want to live anywhere where I can't travel to New York in less than 2 hours. Besides, who really wants to live in the country's penis? Sorry, I find myself channeling Stephen R., tonight.

So, In conclusion, while winter makes lots of people feel like this:



Winter makes Uncle P feel like this:



I don't know... Maybe I should just stop whining and buy a sunlamp...

More, anon.
Prospero

The Gayest Sh*t You'll See This Week

I almost used a different image tonight, but this one made me laugh because the sign itself is a funny fail, made funnier by bad spelling. It's like the He-Man Woman Hater's Club grew up and founded a nudist colony, despite Miss Crabtree's best efforts to teach them how to spell.

Those links and references were aimed solely at my sister and so dearest friend, Q -- and yes, I have a friend who designs gadgets for MI6 -- and they have little to do with tonight's topic, except that the sign made me think of one of my favorite lines from "Will and Grace." Will asks Jack some really obvious question and Jack's response is: "Does a gay bear have anonymous sex in the woods?" Ta-da! Talk about a segue (no, not this).

So, tonight's first really gay thing is this almost unbelievable clip from a 1992 Danish film called (I'm not making this up) Gayn*****s From Outer Space. The space-zombies over at i09 linked this item from a blog called Filmdrunk. And while I would like to think that the filmmakers were trying to make a comedy that pays homage to '70's Blaxploitation, I fear they were merely paying homage and forgot the comedy part... I am stunned that such a movie exits and had to share the horror with you. It gets really gay around 3:35 (may be NSFW):

Oh, those Dutch! Wooden shoes, windmills, tulips and... wait for it........................... dykes.

And I know I've been talking a lot about Lady Gaga, lately. I broke down and bought "The Fame Monster" and I'm loving it. I have to admit, the Lady is hardly a tramp. While some might dismiss her as just a freak, hers is some of the best dance music I've heard since the 90's, and her lyrics can be quite clever. After being seduced by "Teeth" (the video I posted last month has been removed - sorry), I checked out more and really liked what I heard, so I bought the CD. I love her video for "Bad Romance" and a few days ago discovered how good a song "Speechless" is. And tonight, coming home from a very, very long day of lunacy, idiocy and probable mental incapacity at the day job, I discovered how much I liked her duet with Beyonce on somewhat silly "Telephone." They sound great together and the song just makes me want to move.

Well, synchronicity met up with serendipity tonight, because I logged onto the interwebs when I finally got home and discovered a fan-made video (via) for that very song, which very well may be the gayest video karaoke ever. I know that the two real ladies in question will be gracious enough to allow this loving tribute to go viral - it's funny, sassy and oh-so-gay, as well as a dead-on parody of Gaga's other videos. Enjoy, bitches:

I'm off to commit more atrocities to paper... Act I of the new screenplay is almost finished. The real fun starts after about three more pages. Let's see how depraved I can get. Oh -- and another snow-bound Zombie Zone post tomorrow -- and you know what happened the last time. Be afraid... be very afraid...

Oh, crap! Now I've gone and raised your expectations and I'll have to be really on tomorrow night. Of course, being snow-bound will also mean plenty of time for Act II... Okay, you can be afraid again...

More, anon.
Prospero

Gabourey Sidibe

I have not seen (and in all honestly, probably will not see) Precious. That's not to say it isn't a fine fine. I'm sure it is. But its just not my kind of movie. As if I haven't said it enough, Uncle P is a huge Genre Queen. If it has demons; aliens; monsters; killers; gore; ghosts; robots; dinosaurs; lycanthropy; mythology; mutants; lasers; space travel; mad scientists and (of course) zombies or any combination thereof, I'm all over it.

And while I certainly do love an occasional comedy (my favorite movie of all time is Bringing Up Baby, after all); drama; romance and (on the very rare occasion) romantic comedy, bleak urban dramas such as Precious, while important films with important messages, are simply not my cup of of tea.

I really hadn't paid much attention to this film, because I knew I wouldn't be seeing it. Even after Mo'Nique won the Golden Globe, I didn't plan on seeing it. I have no personal point of reference* for films like Precious and just find them depressing and as far from entertaining as a movie can get.

What does fascinate me is he sudden rise to fame that has accompanied the actress in the film's title role, Gabourey "Gabby" Sidibe. Ms Sidibe a 29 year-old student who skipped class and auditioned on a whim, finds herself nominated for an Oscar. I had only seen pictures and clips from the film, so the interview with Gabby (embedded below) on The View (via) is the first I've seen and I am struck by not only her poise, but her grasp on reality in the face of a profoundly life-changing series of events. See if you don't agree:

Funny, smart and apparently very talented, I think Gabby has a great career ahead of her. And it's so nice to know that it can still happen to anyone. She may not stand a chance against the likes of Meryl, Sandra or Helen, but I have a feeling this won't be her last time on the Red Carpet.

In case you were wondering (not that you were...) I did manage to get about 8 pages written in the new screenplay last night and and am hoping for at least four or five more tonight, so I will end here.

More, anon.
Prospero

*This is something which seems to plague me as an actor, as well. See any of my posts about my last acting gig.