Movies I Won't Be Seeing This Summer

Is it just me, or are movies getting more and more terrible? Just look at some of the movies slated for release this year. Remakes; sequels; adaptations of long-canceled TV shows; 3D crapfests; video game movies and low-bow comedies. At least last summer we had some originality. This summer? The most interesting trailer I've seen is for Splice, which has two very talented stars (Adrian Brody and Sarah Polley) and some terrific-looking effects, but is nothing new, plot-wise. Honestly, that plot was created by an 18 year-old girl in 1816.

Is originality dead in Hollywood? It sure seems that way. Even the biggest movie so far this year is a sequel, and a disappointing one at that, according to most film critics. While many friends have told me that Iron Man 2 is a whole lotta fun, it appears to lack the intelligent humor of the original and goes for spectacular visuals in lieu of real human emotion, something the first Iron Man was so good at capturing.

Let's take a look at the trailers for some the movies coming up in the next few months. If you see one that makes you say "I HAVE to see that!" I'll give you a dollar.

First up, the fourth installment of the Shrek saga, Shrek Forever After:

Of course, it's in 3D -- yeuch! But since we started with a sequel, let's take a look at yet another, Predators from director Robert Rodriguez:

Okay. An interesting cast, but is there really anything new to be mined from this franchise? I can't imagine that there is.

Moving on from sequels to remakes, currently playing is the Ridley Scott helmed version of Robin Hood, which is being touted as an origin story:

Okay. I'll give Scott his props -- he made four important 20th Century films (Alien; Blade Runner; Thelma and Louise and Gladiator). But Russell Crowe is an a-hole who doesn't deserve the fans he has and by all accounts, this version of Robin Hood is even worse than Costner's or Brooks'. Pass.

Then there's The Karate Kid. I have to admit that I'm not exactly a fan of the original, though I certainly know a "wax-on, wax-off" reference when I hear it. And there was a certain charming cheese factor to the original, even if Ralph Macchio never did it for me. The new version, starring Jackie Chan and Jaden (son of Will) Smith looks just ridiculous:

Can you say "Unnecessary?"

And speaking of unnecessary, how about a big-screen version of a small screen failure? Yes, the original TV series "The A-Team" has many fans, most of whom were also fans of the equally lame "The Dukes of Hazzard" (and we all know how good that movie was). Still, the only things this movie has going for it are the exceptionally hot Bradley Cooper and star-in-the-making Sharlto Copely:

Really? A tank on parachutes? Must some damn heavy-duty nylon.

And how about those video game movies? Well, there's gorgeous Jake Gyllenhall in Disney's Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time. An all-American actor playing an Iranian prince with a decidedly British accent in a movie based on a video game... Really? Well, at least Uwe Boll has nothing to do with this one:

And then there's M. Night Shama-Lama-Ding-Dong's version of Avatar: The Last Airbender. The last Shyamalan film I saw in a theater was The Village, and I actually stood up and booed at the end. And The Happening was ridiculed by almost everyone who saw it. I just can't imagine this anime adaptation will be any less silly:

Dear Hollywood: Stop Sucking! Sincerely, Prospero.

I do have hopes that there will be one or two good Hollywood movies this year, though I am doubtful, at best. At least we have Christopher Nolan's Inception to look forward to:

I suppose I'll spend most of my summer dollars seeing live theatre and occasional art film, this year. Or maybe I'll just stay home and watch Raiders of the Lost Ark; The Dark Knight; The Prestige and Bringing Up Baby on DVD.

More, anon.
Prospero