How Damned Lazy Am I, Tonight?

Okay, your Uncle P is wiped. Early last week, I noticed a wet spot on my kitchen floor. (and not the good kind) $4k worth of plumbing and cabinetry repairs (and another $1K to go), a house turned upside down and a previous New Year's Eve back injury exacerbated by the whole mess, and I am just pooped. So, I am going to be very lazy and pass on another one of those questionnaires where you talk about yourself. I thought this one was weird and funny enough to use when I have nothing else really interesting to say (if I ever do).

Full credit to my dear West Coast Stephen at Post Apocalyptic Bohemian. He's a smart, funny, compassionate and all-around good-guy. You should check him out. Love ya, Stephen!

So, here's "What If..."

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Only one? No fair. Well, since Stephen already chose Pat Robertson, I'd have to choose President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran, who not only denies the Holocaust, but claims there are no gay people in Iran.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Another hard one. Kanye's too obvious... It's a toss-up between Boston and REO Speedwagon.

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Pat Robertson.

4. What is your favorite cheese?

A nice, sharp cheddar.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind will you make?

Honey-roasted turkey breast, sliced thin, with white American cheese; red-leaf lettuce; sliced sweet plum tomatoes; sliced red onion; soy sprouts and lemon-honey mustard on Arnold Oat Nut bread.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Hands down easiest question on this list, and if you don't know my answer, click here.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice. Who do you pick?

Can I go back in time? Because it would have to be '67 Comeback Special Elvis. Damn, he was beautiful!

8. Now that you’ve slept with two different people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy shit, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

I'm not, because as soon as I walk into a store, I wake up.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

New Zealand

10. Upon arrival to the aforementioned location, you get off the plane and discover another hundred-dollar bill. Shit! Now that you are in the new location, what are you gonna do?

Find some drinking mates

11. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. It is…?

Bombay Sapphire

12. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

Ancient Egypt to discover how the pyramids were built.

13. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

All marriages between two consenting adults shall be recognized as such, with all the appropriate benefits that go along with said marriages.

14. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it called and what’s the premise?

"What's My Dysfunction?" starring me as the host of a show in which a celebrity panel tries to discern a guest's psychological disorder in 20 questions or less.

Betty White: "Does your problem have anything to do with finding older women attractive?"

Guest (An Exhibitionist): "Um, that would be no, Ms. White."

15. What is your favorite curse word?

Sh*t!

16. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?

Really? Um... since I can't honestly imagine this happening (I may be a horror fan, but I'd like to think I have a grip on reality), I suppose I would be kind of freaked out at first. Once I realized I wasn't in any danger, I'd try to figure what was going on.

17. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the item?

Before you read my answer, I have to share Stephen's with you, because it is the most amazing combination of people you can imagine. Stephen wrote: "My framed letter from Louis XVI to his sister. A gift from Fay Wray." Is there anything cooler than that? It makes my choice lame in comparison.

I would save the framed poster from my 1994 production of A Midsummer Night's Dream, the first Shakespeare I ever directed.

18. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

Drink the biggest martini known to man while watching a montage of my favorite movies ever made.

19. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What’s it gonna be?

Flight.

20. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

The last half hour of the final performance of The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told, if only to see those two magnificent performances one more time.

If you can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

The day I realized my father was an asshat.

22. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! Bitchin’! What country are you going to live in now?

Australia


23. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age. Check it out. You have been eternally banned from every single bar in the world except for ONE. Which one is it gonna be?

Woody's

24. Hopefully you didn’t mention this in the super-powers question…. If you did, then we’ll just expand on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to FLOAT!!! Whose house are you going to float to first, and be like “Dude, check it out… I can FLOAT!”?

This question is stupid. Why float if I can fly? If I could fly, I wouldn't tell you where, anyway.

25. The constant absorption of magical moonbeams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous-person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

Gilda Radnor. The world needs more Gildas.

26. The Celestial Gates of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person, etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

My mother's mother, Helen or "Grandmom Cookie." She was one of the funniest, sliest women I knew. When my father complained to her "Jesus Christ, you'd buy those kids the damned world, if you could!" her response was to buy my sister and I globes on her next weekly visit.

27. What’s your theme song?

Imagine (this version made me weep when I saw it on "Glee")

More, anon.
Prospero